


I don't want safe anymore

by lexasforehead



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hate Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-22
Updated: 2016-08-29
Packaged: 2018-05-02 19:05:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 52,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5260148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lexasforehead/pseuds/lexasforehead
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It’s not fair that you’re the only one brave enough to admit that you're in love"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Catalyst

**Author's Note:**

> i don't own anything

They say that the greatest thing anyone can have is to love and be loved in return. For some, the gift lasts for a moment but for the lucky ones, a lifetime. As familiar as we are of the feeling, when exactly does it start? When does the fondness for another morph into an undying affection?

For Clarke and Lexa, it was love, but they never got the chance to call it. 

========================================================================================================

 **5 Years Ago**.

The first light shined through the tiny gap of curtain that shielded that dorm window from the world. Events of a passionate night lingered in the air as the blonde watched the brunette roam the room.

“You should start doing commissions now, it’s worth the shot.” Lexa said as she gently traced Clarke’s artworks that were taped on the wall across the bed. “I know my ass is the definition of perfect but I need you to listen just for once.” The brunette teased as she gave a sultry glance over her shoulder.

“I might need to be reminded?” Clarke responded as she yawned on the bed accompanied by a moaning sound. Lexa chuckled as she strode back to the blonde. She gently lifted Clarke’s hips closer to her and laid her body on the girl. Light touches adorned Clarke’s collarbone, while a smile tugged the brunette's lips upon seeing the mark she had inflicted driven by the desire for release. Her long fingers took Clarke’s right hand and placed it on her butt.

“Oh yeah, now there’s no way I’d be able to forget.” Clarke said as she gave a firm squeeze in the brunette’s perfect cheek.

“I’m assuming that I took Finn off your mind last night then?” 

‘Finn who?” the blonde asked with a furrowed brow, pretending to sound confused.

Lexa grinned and mentally gave herself a pat on the back.

What started out as a two month anniversary date turned in to a nightmare when a girl, who claimed herself as Finn’s girlfriend approached the couple and started the drama. The night ended with the boy’s slapped cheeks and Clarke’s broken heart. 

As she walked back to her dorm room, she called the first person that came to mind.

“It’s over Lex.” Clarke confessed in a broken sob as breathing got difficult by the minute.

“I’ll be right there in 5.” 

The first night of comfort composed of Lexa’s warmth and reassuring words while ice cream and Netflix followed the trailing days.  
One kiss later led to their current situation.

“I should go take a shower and reward myself for a job well done.” The brunette said as she retracted herself from Clarke and started to put her clothes back on.

“You say that like we’re not roommates.” 

“I like theatrics.”

“You want me to join you? I’ll buy you pancakes later on.”

Lexa wanted to say yes but immediately abandoned the idea.

“As tempting as the pancakes sound, I have a paper to finish…” The brunette replied as she pulled her shorts up. “And you are very distracting my dear.”

‘I wasn’t aware that you cared about your education.”

“I care about the money I’m gonna make.”

Clarke smiled as she stood from and bed and helped the brunette tie her hair in a bun.

“Maybe I should get a haircut.”

“Don’t you dare.” Clarke said with a stern look as she gathered to tie the hair in her hands.

Lexa smiled in amusement “You’re gonna have to give me some kind of payment in exchange of my suffering.”

“Oh please, you love when I run my hands through it. Besides, aren’t my moans enough?” Clarke quipped as she finished her work and walked back to her bed.

“I’ll see you around Griffin.” Lexa called out as she picked up her shower essentials and headed towards the door.

“Hey Lex?”

“Yeah?

“Thank you, for this. I really appreciate it.”

Lexa walked towards the bed, bent down and kissed the blonde's cheek.

“Anytime Clarke.” 

With a last smile, Lexa turned the knob and walked out.

=========================================================================================================

First of all, they weren’t lovers, not by a long shot. It started with the intention of being a one night stand during a party in their freshmen year. It didn’t exactly go as planned as they discovered that they genuinely enjoyed the company. 

Whenever they lost lovers, they returned to each other.

Lexa would stand as Clarke’s muse and in return, the blonde would assist the brunette in subjects she was having difficulties with. Their lips touched more than their hands on books. 

Little victories were celebrated with dinner in town. Clarke once took Lexa to a resto when Lexa called and informed her that the brunette got the most credit in her paper. Lexa being journalism major, didn’t really surprise Clarke at all, still, she felt her heart swell with pride just hearing the joy in Lexa’s voice. 

The blonde had this habit of lacing her fingers with Lexa inside the brunette’s jacket whenever they cantered the streets. Lexa would never admit that it’s what she loved the most, scared that she would finally give in.

Clarke’s favorites were the little notes Lexa would leave on her bedside table. Sometimes the contents were silly like “You are GrifFINE.” To the endearing ones of "The world is blessed with your presence" and “I’m PROUD of you <3” 

She already knew that she was into deep, but Clarke begged the heavens for salvation nonetheless.  
Her prayers were never answered though.  
It’s hard not to love Lexa.

=============================================================================================================

The blonde was contented with what she was having with Lexa, or so she thought. Realization of wanting something more didn’t hit her until Octavia Blake opened her mouth.

The girls were in the library studying for their exams when the brunette decided to address the elephant in the room.

“Clarke?”

“Hmm?” the blonde answered without looking up from her paper.

“What are you doing?” asked Octavia as she toyed with her pen.

“Uhh, making a reviewer?” said Clarke as she waved the paper in the air.

“What are you doing with Lexa?”

Those words made the blonde halt her movements as she considered her reply. One wrong move and it’ll all go down.

“We’re friends with benefits.”

“Tell me something new princess.”

“Ok, what’s the deal Octavia?” Clarke said exasperated with the sudden inquisition of her friend.

“I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

“No one’s getting hurt.”

“For now that is.”

“We’re just having fun.”

“Does having fun include holding hands whenever we go out? Or the lingering gazes at each other?” Octavia asked with a raised brow.

“What do you want from me?”

“To admit your feelings before you break your own heart with lying.”

“I take what she gives me.”

“And what if she decides to give it to someone else, what would happen when your fun cease to exist?”

Clarke turned to Octavia with her misty eyes which made the brunette softened her tone.

“You love easily princess, that’s one of the best things about you. I see the way you look at her and something tells me that what you’re feeling is more than casual. And the way Lexa looks at you? It's disgustingly sweet that it makes me wish I had someone like that.”

The blonde wanted to drown was bringing on the table. This is what she feared the most, the undeniable truth.

“I don’t want to freak her out.”

“It won't if she feels the same way.”

“What if I lose her,O?” Clarke said as the first tear fell.

“Then you move on. It’s not fair that you’re the only one brave enough to admit that you're in love.”

==========================================================================================================

It was during their Friday night movie marathon that Clarke decided to speak up.

They were watching LOTR when Lexa noticed the the blonde kept fidgeting with her hands.

"Clarke, you ok?" she asked as she intertwined her hands with the blonde.

" Yeah I was just thinking about something." Clarke answered with a forced smile.

Lexa was unconvinced but relented on not asking further.

"You know..." the brunette said as she situated herself between the girl's legs, pulled her shirt up until a portion of the blonde's stomach appeared and placed light kisses on the pale skin. "we can always do this." Lexa looked up with a grin on her face.

Clarke straightened herself, hoping for a boost of courage in the process,

"I was actually hoping that we could talk." 

Lexa's demeanor turned serious as she sat up and waited for Clarke to continue.

"You and I....what exactly are we doing?"

As the words formed a question that she dreaded, Lexa immediately averted her gaze hoping that Clarke wouldn't notice her nervousness.

"We're friends, Clarke."

"Friends with benefits."

"We hold hands when we go out. Friends with benefits don't do that."

"We do it because we're cold."

"We do it all the time! We've been doing it for 3 years!"

Lexa let out a heavy sigh and got up from the bed.

"I don't have time for this."

"You don't have time because it's getting serious?!" 

The brunette ignored the blonde's protest and headed for the door.

"Don't you walk out on me." Clarke rushed after her and grabbed her wrist.

"Hands.Off." Lexa punctuated every word with a hard stare.

"I will after we solve this." 

The brunette jerked her hand away and crossed it on her chest. They engaged in a staring battle for what it seemed like eternity until Clarke's hunched her shoulders in defeat.

Clarke looked at her with the softest expression that made Lexa clenched her jaw, not wanting Clarke to see the crack in her facade.

"If you're not ready, I get it. I'm willing to wait Lexa, just tell me that I'm not fighting for a loss cause here. Please tell me that I have a chance." Clarke's tears flowed with each passing minute that the brunette stayed quiet. 

Lexa tried so hard not to take Clarke in her arms and acknowledge the feeling that she bared for the girl. Her heart was screaming "Yes!" while her mind simply stated a hard "No."

"You'll only destroy her Lexa. All you're ever good at is destruction. Look at what happened with Costia." Her demons whispered and it echoed.

The only way for Clarke to let her go was to break her heart. Break the heart of the girl that she loves, killing her own in doing so. 

"Lex...please say something. Tell me that I'm not alone in this. I'm begging you." Clarke pleaded with a quivering voice. 

It was getting really hard to breathe when Lexa's words were caught up in her throat. Still, she chose to be brave, but for reasons she didn't want but needed.

She walked closer to Clarke with a confidence that rivaled the gods.

"You wanna know why our fucking lasted this long? Why I was so comfortable doing it? It's because I don't have feelings for you." Lexa said while looking into the blonde's eyes.

Clarke felt her world crumble with the brunette's declaration.

"You're lying." the blonde retorted with a shake or her head.

"Of course I am, as long as it makes you feel better. Not everything is about you, princess. Sleeping together does not equate love, or did you forget about what Finn did to you?"

That was the blow that shattered everything that they've built, everything that they could've.

As the final word dropped, so did Clarke. 

She was nothing but honest, but the truth was still cruel. Every hope that she had of being with the brunette perished in that confrontation.

Lexa watched as Clarke sat and cried on the floor. Her heart ached and longed to comfort the girl but her practicality won over. She put her shoes back on and left the blonde in her sadness. 

As the wind met Lexa's body, she ran. She ran and ran until her chest burned even more, but it wasn't for the lack of air and she knew it.

"You broke her. You made her believe that she's unlovable. You're a monster." those words echoed in Lexa's mind as her feet carried her further away from Clarke.

Once she arrived at the field, she cursed the heavens for giving her this life. The stars were shinning brightly but all she could see was darkness. 

=======================================================================================================

"I don't regret when I pushed you to confess." Octavia softly said as she ran her hand through the blonde's hair.

"I don't regret listening to you." 

"Whenever it gets bad or too much, please come to me. If you can't talk personally, you have my number."

"I will O, I promise. But for now, I wanna deal with this on my own."

"Brave princess."

"No, I just realized that I deserve better."

"You always have." 

Clarke spent the night at Octavia's apartment for she couldn't will herself to sleep in her dorm.

She decided not to cry anymore though. 

Lexa is not worthy of her tears. 

==========================================================================================================

The rest of their roommate days were spent in silence as they learned the value of headphones when they were both in the room. 

Lexa noticed the absence of Clarke's artworks that were once plastered on the wall, the ones that she loved to gaze upon.

Sometimes Clarke didn't come home at all, and when she did, it was like carnage walked all over her. 

Her eyes no longer had the blue that calmed Lexa whenever she needed it. Now, it was just empty, devoid of the happiness that once resided there.

She fought the aspiration to ask Clarke about her being, knowing full well that she was the reason for the blonde's misery.

It's times like this that made the brunette wish that she had took the chance with Clarke, knowing that the blonde would hold her hand through it.

But she's a coward, and cowards don't deserve to be held.

She hated herself more with each passing day. 

A bullet wound would've hurt less.

=========================================================================================================

At a graduates party, Lexa tried to catch Clarke alone so that she can say her piece. She thought for a long time but eventually gave up since not even the copious amount of alcohol in her system made her valiant enough to talk to the blonde. So how would she be able to do it sober?

She fought the knot that formed in her stomach as she watched Clarke danced with different guys, some even got handsy with her.

Clarke was smiling...oh god she was smiling.

The vomit achieved its released though after she heard Clarke's moans through the door.

If she was only brave enough...things would've been different. Maybe she could even say that she's truly happy.

But she's a coward, and cowards don't deserve happiness.

=======================================================================================================

Clarke moved out of town 2 months later.

Unbeknownst to her that a certain brunette was there for her last farewell.

Lexa could only watch as the blonde's plane took flight. She allowed life to have its way, thinking it was for the better.

It also took 2 months for Lexa to dial Clarke's number and as soon as she heard the blonde's cheerful voice, she was reminded of just how much she lost.

"Hello? Sorry but I'm gonna have to ask for your name since idiot me broke my phone about a week ago and your number was probably stored on my phone instead of the card...soooo yeah....can i get your name?" Clarke sounded so jolly the whole time that Lexa felt tears forming. 

She ended the call and clutched the phone in her chest.

For the first time in years, Lexa was brave enough to cry.


	2. Ghosts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Old Ghosts in sight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't own anything

**Present day**.

The cold November air found its way to Polis, leaving bundled humans in its wake. A dollar coffee was once again on high demand since people were less picky on what measure to battle the chill.

Lexa Woods found a job as soon as she graduated, whether it was out of necessity or want, she didn’t know. All that she was sure of was that she had to have the distraction. 

That’s the reason why she found herself working for an entertainment journalism company.

Lexa was an easy person to be around, that’s why she was in good graces with her co-workers yet some still envied her writing skills.

It was a typical Wednesday morning where Lexa was editing a draft of her current article when she felt a tap on her shoulder.

“Hey Lex, boss is asking for you.” Caris said as she stood beside Lexa’s cubicle.

“Thank you, Caris.” Lexa arranged her papers in a neat pile and made her way towards her boss’s office afterwards.

“You called for me maam?” Lexa said as she stood by the doorway.

“Ah yes Ms. Woods, do come in and please have a seat.”

Once Lexa was seated, Luna gave her a pleased look which made the brunette feel that a reward was coming.

“I must commend you on your recent article about the band Grounders. You really captured the essence of what’s it like to live life on the road. “Luna gave an approving nod as she complimented Lexa.

“They were not a hard group to inquire. In fact, they even made sure that I was comfortable the whole time when I should’ve been the one asking them. “Lexa smiled as she recalled her encounter with the band.

“You are a talented one Ms. Woods, and the charisma doesn’t hurt either.”

“Thank you for the praise Mrs. Rivers.”

“Judging by your performance from your early works up to now, I’d say you’re ready.”

“I beg your pardon maam?”

“Dante Wallace.” Luna said as she stood from her chair and walked over to sit on the front wing of her desk.

Lexa stilled in her seat, she couldn’t believe that an opportunity like this would be given to her.

“You want me to interview the Dante Wallace? The brunette asked in a state of disbelief. 

“Not exactly Dante, but his new student or protégée or whatever they call it nowadays. We already have the man’s permission and now all I need is yours.”

So it wasn’t exactly with the art extraordinaire himself, but with a person under his wing is close enough.

“I don’t know what to say Mrs. Rivers. This is such an amazing assignment.”

“An assignment I would never give you if I had doubts. So, do you accept the challenge Ms. Woods?” Luna offered her hand out and waited for Lexa’s decision.

“Yes, I accept.” 

With a shake of their hands, Lexa’s fate was sealed.

Little did she know of the turmoil she just signed herself in. 

=========================================================================================================

On Friday, Luna took Lexa to a restaurant down the street from their office, explaining that Dante and his student arranged to meet them there.

“Mrs. Rivers, always a good day to have your company.” Dante greeted as he made his way to their table.

“The pleasure is all mine Mr. Wallace.” Luna responded as she gave the man a kiss on both cheeks.

“May I have the pleasure then to meet this lovely young lady?’ Dante asked as he smiled at Lexa.

“Mr. Wallace, please meet Ms. Lexa Woods, one of my best journalist.” 

‘It's an honor to finally meet you sir.” Lexa said as she tried to contain the happiness that she felt.

“You as well my dear.” Dante said as he kissed the brunette’s hand. “I take it that you’re the one who will be interviewing my student?”

“Yes sir.” 

“You’ll both have to forgive her for her tardiness; last night’s party really took a toll on her.”

“Her?” Luna asked as she took a sip of her water.

“Why yes Mrs. Rivers, I discovered her about a year ago in her first exhibit and decided that I couldn’t let a talent like her pass me by.” 

“What’s her name?” Lexa asked as she adjusted her seating.

As soon as her question was out in the open, a very familiar blonde hair caught her eyes and her sight widened when those blue eyes came to view.

“It’s nice of you to join us my dear. Care to introduce yourself?” Dante asked as he gestured towards the girls sitting opposite them. 

The girl stuck her hand out towards Lexa and smiled “I’m Clarke, Clarke Griffin.”

========================================================================================================

Lexa couldn’t breathe for a moment as tears threatened to fall as Clarke continued to smile at her.

Clarke who she broke years ago was now standing in front of her, composed, successful and smiling. 

Still, she shook the waiting hand of the blonde as she introduced herself. “I’m Alexandria Woods but please just call me Lexa.”

“Lexa.” Clarke said as she sat down and placed the napkin on her lap. “Why do you look like you wanted to cry?”

“YOU KNOW THE REASON WHY!” Lexa thought. She put on her best act and decided to play along. “Oh you just reminded me of an old friend that’s all.” She smiled as she took a sip of her water.

“Aww I was hoping you’d say that I reminded you of a lover.”

Upon hearing the word lover, Lexa chocked on the water that was making its way down her throat.

Dante got up and patted Lexa’s back along with Luna.

“Are you alright dear?” Luna asked in a worried voice

Lexa glanced up and saw the blonde’s smirk. There’s no way she was gonna jeopardize this opportunity because of a ghost.

“Yes maam I am. I do apologize for this inconvenience. “she looked at Luna and then to Dante with saddened eyes.

“If you want, we can schedule for another time if you are not feeling well.” Dante offered in a soft voice.

“No sir, you took time today to meet us here, I won’t let it go to waste. I promise, I’m fine.”

“Ok Ms. Woods, careful on the water now though.” Dante joked as he went back to his seat.

The lunch meeting continued without any more accidents, it was agreed upon by both parties that Lexa would be the one to conduct an interview with Clarke. The blonde was so good with her act that it also made Lexa believe that she was delighted to work with her when it truth she was already dreading it.

“Where would be a good place for this interview for you darling?” Luna asked Clarke as she took a bite of her steak.

The blonde pretended to contemplate as she swirled the wine in her hands. “Would my apartment work?”

Lexa was gripping the knife in her hand so hard for she knew just where Clarke was going with this.

“Your apartment?” Lexa questioned as she tried to calm herself.

“Yes, I was thinking that I could paint while you interview me. It will give you a better perspective on an artist’s life don’t you think?” Clarke smiled at her again and all Lexa wanted to do was kiss that away.

“I think that’s a wonderful idea” Luna chimed in as she smiled at Dante.

“I have to agree with Mrs. Rivers. What about you Ms. Woods?” Dante gave his smile in return.

Lexa knew that this was a bad idea, she felt it in every bone of her body, and every fiber was reluctant. Her ambition was stronger though, so she put on her earnest smile and asked “What’s your address Ms. Griffin?” 

"I was hoping that I'd take you there myself Ms. Woods. Give you a little tour and maybe you can even find a spot that you'd be comfortable in."

The devil was behind those accommodation that the blonde was offering and Lexa wasn't scared a bit.

"That's too kind of you Ms. Griffin and yes, I would love a tour." 

They smiled at each other knowing all along that the blonde would rather have her legs cut off than spend another moment with Lexa.

After a wonderful lunch and a successful turn out, both parties bid their goodbye's and walked their own path. 

==========================================================================================================

Lexa found herself in a bar after getting off work. She was downing her scotch like a pro all the while thinking of Clarke.

Clarke who found herself entangled in the brunette's life once more, Clarke who had sunshine for hair and ocean for eyes.

Clarke who she loved.....loves?

She grimaced at the thought and called for another round. 

"So is this your way of saving water, by consuming alcohol? Or do you just really hate your liver?"

Lexa whipped her head so hard that she almost got knocked off her stool. It's her...her Clarke.

"What's wrong Ms. Woods?" Clarke asked as she took the glass from Lexa's hand and drank its content.

"How did you know I was here? Did you follow me?"

"Oh please, don't flatter yourself, not everything's about you." 

Lexa heard the spite in those words, she said the same thing to the blonde years ago.

"Then why are you here?" 

"Seeing you earlier brought up bad memories, no offence." the blonde said sarcastically.

"So your solution is alcohol?"

"I was fucking a guy earlier but it really didn't help and besides, isn't it the same reason why you're here as well? Because of me?"

She wanted to apologize, she really did, but she knew better than to ask for forgiveness that will never come.

"Enough with the games and just say what you want to Clarke, I'm all ears."

"Is that what you really wanna hear? my complaints?" Clarke asked with a raised brow.

She scooted closer to Lexa as she leaned her head to the side of the brunette's and whispered in her ear " Or maybe what you really want are my moans?

Flashbacks of their love-makings years ago exploded in Lexa's mind and the way Clarke was playing with the zipper of her jeans wasn't helping either.

This isn't right she thought, she knew that they'll only hurt each other again. But what's another mistake if they won't end up together anyway?

Lexa swallowed hard and said "I think I'd like that tour now, Ms.Griffin."

Clarke grinned with mischief in her eyes as she took the brunette's hand and made their way into the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bring holy water for the next chapter :)


	3. Lust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reacquainted Bodies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't own anything
> 
> ATTEND CHURCH THIS SUNDAY YA'LL!

The gush of the cold night air was enough to sober Lexa a little. She was suddenly very aware of the way Clarke held her hand. Sure they were going at a fast pace but Clarke’s hold was so gentle that she couldn’t help but tighten hers.

She was scared that she’ll waver if she allowed herself to revel in the tenderness of the blonde.

“How much further?”

“Someone’s impatient.” 

“Why don’t we just ride a cab?”

“I can’t promise that my hands won’t wander once we’re inside. Do you really want the driver to hear all the lewd sounds that you’ll make?”

Lexa felt a gush of wetness pool between her thighs; she had to take a deep breath in a futile attempt to calm herself.

How long has it been since she was fucked thoroughly that even a tiny gesture of lust was enough to channel her arousal?

Or maybe it’s because Clarke’s the one saying those things?

Lexa settled for the former. 

“I just wanna get over this, Clarke.”

“Are you sure you’ll be satisfied with one round?” the blonde grinned as she held a smug expression.

“It’s not me whose performance I’m worried about.”

The blonde halted in her walking, fisted Lexa’s shirt and backed her up against a nearby wall.

“You won’t be as cocky as you are now when I’m through with you.” 

Their lips were only inches apart as Clarke fixed her a hard stare. She knew that it was a bad idea to taunt the blonde; to make the situation escalate to an even dangerous degree. 

“Is that all that you’re capable now Griffin? Petty threats?” Lexa smirked as she saw a flicker of annoyance in the blonde’s eyes.

“Just make sure to hold back with your screaming later so that you can at least have a little dignity left.” 

“Just make sure you deliver.” 

=========================================================================================================

The walk towards the blonde’s apartment resumed but Clarke’s hold wasn’t as gentle as before, she was practically dragging Lexa like she was desperate to prove her wrong.

Once Clarke opened the door, Lexa was greeted by the artworks that lined up the blonde’s wall. It was like she was taken back to their college days where she woke up every morning where her vision was filled by Clarke’s beautiful creations. 

The moment was interrupted when she felt arms encircle her waist and soft lips kiss her neck.

“Let’s do the tour some other time, for now, I’d really like to get reacquainted with your body.” 

Clarke’s low and sultry tone sent shivers down Lexa’s spine. She couldn’t help but let out a moan when the blonde’s hands travelled upwards and gave her breasts a firm squeeze. 

Lexa felt the blonde’s smile on her neck as she continued massaging her tits. 

“Still the same weak spot I see.”

Lexa couldn’t even manage to form a response; she was too busy focusing on the pleasure the blonde was giving her.

“Say Lex, I bet you’d moan even louder if I take these hard nipples in my mouth.” Clarke teased as she licked the shell of the brunette’s ear.

“You used to love it when I’d suckle on your nubs. Remember the time when you came just from that? I forgot to tell you that I touched myself a lot with that memory.

“Fuck Clarke!” Lexa moaned out as she felt her legs wobble “Just take me already!” 

Clarke chuckled and turned Lexa so she was facing her. She loved the brunette’s hooded eyes whenever things got heated and the way her plump lips would part, as if waiting for something to take them. 

Without another word, Clarke pulled Lexa by the back of her neck and gave her an open mouthed kiss.

Lexa’s mind went haywire as she felt the intrusion of Clarke’s tongue on hers. It was as good as she remembered, maybe even better. 

The blonde pulled away, needing to take in oxygen as the fire of their kiss consumed it. They looked at each other for a moment, breathing heavily as lust filled the air.

“I miss your taste.” Lexa said as she glided her finger on the blonde’s lower lip. 

Clarke wanted Lexa to ravish her, to feel those long fingers inside and that warm mouth on her skin, but then the urge to dominate got stronger that she broke out of her stupor. 

She quickly shrugged Lexa out of her leather jacket and pushed her against the dining table.

Lexa hissed as her lower back made contact with the hard edge, but her pain died when Clarke’s lips claimed hers again. 

Their whimpers and moans mixed as the kiss escalated to biting, Clarke bit and held Lexa’s lower lip between her teeth until she drew blood from the other girl. 

The harshness of her teeth was complimented by the soothing action of her tongue. 

Lexa couldn’t help but suck on the muscle that made her scream over and over in the past. She finally thought that she was in control until a moan was ripped from her throat as Clarke pushed her knee between the brunette’s center.

“What do you want Lexa, my fingers or my mouth?” Clarke whispered as she started to grind her hands on Lexa’s special spot.

“B-both.” Lexa said as she braced her hands on the table.

“That’s a little greedy don’t you think?”

“You haven’t fucked me in 5 years so forgive me for demanding.” Lexa quipped as she threw her head back when Clarke’s hand moved faster.

“I love it when you’re feisty.” The blonde answered as she kissed the slender neck of the brunette. 

All Lexa could do was surrender her body to Clarke. 

The blonde abandoned Lexa’s center as she brought her right hand up and squeezed the brunette’s breast while her tongue traced the hollow of her throat.  
“Oh god Clarke!” Lexa moaned as the blonde nipped and sucked on her pulse point. 

Clarke took a step back and admired at how flustered she made Lexa. From her ragged breathing to the fall and rise of her chest and to that aura that was simply begging or more. 

The blonde approached her once more, unbuttoned her pants and pulled the zipper down. She toyed with the brunette’s underwear while giving her innocent looks.

“Can you still recall how my tongue lapped at your pussy?” Clarke asked as she gave her a soft kiss.

Their mouths we’re only inches apart so Lexa could feel the hot breath that Clarke emitted as she spoke those sinful words. 

“The way it slowly licked from bottom to top and flicked at your clit, only to return down and tease your dripping entrance.” The blonde stated as she got on her knees and pulled the jeans off along with the underwear. 

“Clarke…please….” Lexa pleaded as Clarke softly raked her thighs. The blonde gestured for her to sit on the table which Lexa complied without a word.  
The blonde looked up and placed a kiss on her belly before parting her legs. 

Clarke felt her mouth go dry as she was once again faced with Lexa’s pink cunt. She unconsciously licked her lips as fresh arousal dribbled out of the girl’s entrance.

She locked eyes with Lexa who was breathing erratically at the sight of a kneeling girl in front of her.

Clarke stood up and took Lexa’s shirt off in one swift movement and smiled at the sight as she took the girl’s bra. She felt pride in the way Lexa drank the sight of her body once she got rid of her own clothes. 

“Let’s save the dessert for later coz right now, my mouth is watering for your breasts.” 

Lexa didn’t have time to respond as Clarke’s warm mouth latched on her right bud and sucked hard.

She was forced to lie down as the overwhelming sensation took over. Clarke’s mouth followed as her hand took a firm hold on the other breast and clutched it with desire.

“Cla-arke…oh my god…ffuuck!” Lexa cried out in a broken sob as she held on to the sides of the table as the blonde’s talented tongue continued its torture. 

Her back arched off the table as Clarke bit on her sensitive nipple, gradually adding pressure. Clarke switched to the other breast and gave it the same treatment.

The blonde had always been gentle when they made love, but it was nothing compared to the Clarke that was currently on top of her.

“Clarke…that feels sooo good….mmmmm.” 

Once she was satisfied with her work, Clarke placed open mouthed kisses on Lexa’s body as she descended to the place in need of most attention.

She got down on her knees again as she inched her mouth closer to Lexa’s dripping center. Lexa propped herself up on her elbow as she waited for the blonde’s next turn.

“You loved it when I’d enter just the tip of my tongue and swirl it around your front walls.” The blonde said as she traced Lexa’s slit with her finger.

“Y-yes.”

“The way you’d writhe when I’d put it all the way in was just incredible.” Clarke finished her sentence with the first slow lick on the brunette’s cunt.

“Oh fuck!” Lexa cried out as her hand automatically grabbed Clarke’s hair and her hips bucked.

Clarke savored everything that Lexa was giving her while deliberately avoiding the sensitive bundle of nerve. She used her fingers to spread the brunette even more and lapped at the juices that flowed. 

Lexa was in a euphoric state as Clarke’s mouth lavished her pussy. The only sounds she was making were that of her moans and whimpers for her brain failed to deliver coherent words. 

Her breathing stilled when she felt Clarke’s tongue slid to the hilt. Her back arched once more when the blonde scratched her stomach as she swirled it around Lexa’s cunt.

“Oh shit…..baby…oh uhhhhnnn….fuck me more!” she demanded as her grip on Clarke’s hair tightened. 

At the request, Clarke held on to her thighs as she worked her tongue in and out of the girl in a fast and hard pace. Lexa couldn’t even let out a moan without choking on the next one. 

The view of the blonde’s bobbing head made the brunette’s stomach knot, bringing another set of memories of how Clarke used to satisfy her thoroughly.

“C-clarke….im so close…so please….please dont stop.” Lexa begged in a voice close to sobbing as her hips bucked wildly.

Thankfully, the blonde still had mercy in her for she continued the magic of her tongue, and went even faster as she felt Lexa’s walls clenched. 

Lexa was shaking and moaning uncontrollably that Clarke had to hold her down just so she could bring her to the edge.

“Clarke! Clarke! Clarke!” she screamed the blonde’s name like a prayer and finally reached orgasm when Clarke’s thumb swiped her clit twice.

The blonde didn’t stop until she felt the brunette’s grip on her hair loosened. She laid the girl down and kissed her body as she came down from her high.

They regulated their breaths together as the bliss of sex slowly faded.

“Clarke.” Lexa called out in a small voice and Clarke bent down and kissed her in a way so soft that it made her heart ache.

Clarke stared into her eyes and she caressed her cheeks “I’m not done with you yet Lexa.”

=========================================================================================================

Her eyes widened when she found herself being pulled away from the table, only to be bent down by strong hands.

“Stay down” Clarke whispered harshly in her ear and all Lexa could do was affirm with a nod.

She heard Clarke stripping out of her underwear and felt the girl’s body on hers a moment later. 

“Do you feel how stiff my nipples are Lexa?”

Lexa responded with a nod and a whimper which delighted Clarke.

“Do you want to taste them?’

“Oh god yes!” 

“Maybe next time, I wanna fuck you first until I’m satisfied.”

“Clarke please-” Lexa’s sentence was cut off when the blonde inserted two of her fingers in the brunette’s mouth.”

“Suck.” At Clarke’s tone, Lexa obliged and savored the fingers with passion.

Clarke’s other hand placed light touches up and down her spine as her mouth closed on an earlobe.

“Remember how we discussed anal play?” Clarke whispered as she grabbed Lexa’s ass.

She felt Lexa shift underneath her in an attempt to push her off, but Clarke was stronger and after a minute, the brunette gave in.

“The other ones I’ve been with wanted to do it to me, but I couldn’t bring myself to say yes since all I ever wanted were those long fingers of yours…stroking me…plunging without mercy….would you like that Lex?”

The blonde removed her fingers from the girl’s mouth so she could respond.

“I’ll fuck you in any way you want Clarke, in any hole you want, just please, allow me to do so.”

“That’s really sweet coming from someone who broke my heart all those years ago because they got scared.” Clarke drawled out as she circled Lexa’s butthole with a wet finger.

“Oh fuck....Clarke...ahh!” the girl groaned as she held on to the table for support.

“Do you want this Lexa?”

“Yes! Please! Fuck me however you want!”

“Since I’m nicer than you’ll ever be, I’ll let you enjoy this.” As those words left her mouth, the first knuckle of her finger entered Lexa’s ass.

“Fuck!” Lexa screamed as her body welcomed the new stretch. 

Clarke slowly slid her finger in and out of the brunette and added her second knuckle while her speed increased at Lexa's command. 

“C-clarke….uggghhh…faster….all the way….put it all the way in.” Lexa said in a breathy moan.

The blonde slowly slid her forefinger to the hilt and gave Lexa time to adjust to the intrusion.

Lexa shuddered as she felt the penetration of the blonde's whole finger. A mixture of gratification and pain made her hips move, signalling the blonde that she was ready for more.

The brunette's moans and the way she pushed back made the ache in Clarke's core intensify. The wanton way of the girl calling her name almost made her come undone. No one has touched and fulfilled her like Lexa, even when she was being claimed by another, she thought of the brunette every time she climaxed.

"You should see how lewd you look.I would've done this sooner if I only knew how much you enjoyed being fucked like this."

Clarke teased as she gave the brunette hard thrusts.

"Oh god Clarke...oh god!" 

"Do you want to cum Lexa?" Clarke asked as she momentarily slowed her finger.

"Yes...Please Clarke, no more teasing....take me there...!." 

"Are you satisfied with one finger?"

"y-yes...I don't think I can take much more..."

"Ok." Clarke said as she kissed Lexa's back and brought her other hand towards the girl's clit.

She circled the sensitive nub as her other finger continued its exertion and she bit Lexa's neck every now and then. The way she pleasured the other girl was so gentle that it's almost as if there was no bad blood between them. She relished on the brunette's moans and the way she whispered her name like a dark secret. 

"Clarke...go faster....i'm so close."

The blonde increased her thrusts along with the circling on the girl's clit. She felt the straining of the brunette's ass but fought her way in.

"Come on my finger Lexa." Clarke ordered as she delivered a solid bite on the girl's shoulder.

"OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!" Lexa shrieked as she allowed her orgasm to take over. She gripped the table's side in a rigid manner that her knuckles turned white. Her body convulsed so hard that she would've fallen off the table without the blonde's support. 

Clarke waited for the fluttering of Lexa's hole to stop before she pulled out and saw how the brunette had her eyes closed as she evened her breathing. She wanted to hold Lexa like what she's done many times before but then the brunette's hurtful words came to mind which awakened her hatred.

========================================================================================================

"Leave."

Lexa slowly extracted herself off the table and faced the blonde "What?"

"You got what you wanted now give me mine."

"Clarke, I was hoping we-"

"Are you deaf or are you dense? Do you want me to explain the meaning of the word "leave"'? 

Every word that came out of Clarke's mouth dripped with venom that Lexa remembered just how much the blonde hated her. The pain in her chest became too much that her eyes gave way. 

She deserved this. She deserved every lash the blonde threw at her.

Clarke had to ball her hands and clenched her jaw in order to stop herself from embracing Lexa as she saw the hurt in her misty eyes. 

"I'll see you in the interview." Lexa stated softly.

"Can't wait" was Clarke's sarcastic reply.

The brunette quietly put her clothes back on and looked at Clarke one last time before escorting herself out of the blonde's place.

Lexa felt a whirlwind of emotions as her feet carried her home. How could her heart feel so heavy and empty at the same time? 

She asked for it though and she only had herself to blame.

========================================================================================================

They could not recall the amount of time they spent in the shower that night.

Reunion's are supposed to strengthen or tie bridges but this one only delivered their death sentence. All that was left to do was to get through the interview and they could be done for good. 

One more day with each other and they could part ways again, only this time...no one would beg.


	4. Unrequited

It took a week before Clarke heard from Lexa again. The blonde contacted Luna and left her number for the girl with the intention of discussing available times for the interview to be conducted. Or that was what she told herself. She didn’t like the rush of want she felt with the thought of seeing the brunette again when she rudely threw her out of her home after their escapade. 

“Lexa is one of our best journalists Ms.Griffin, I assure you that she’d make great company.” Luna enthusiastically informed the blonde, not knowing that they’ve already enjoyed each other. 

“You are too kind Mrs. Rivers; I’ll take your word about Lexa.” Clarke said in her best cheery voice.

“You won’t be disappointed. And please, call me Luna. Is there anything else I can do for you?” 

“Nothing else Luna, thank you very much.”

“You’re welcome, have a good day!”

“You too.” 

For her career, she was doing it for her career. She’s gonna spend another day with the girl for the sake of work and nothing more. 

======================================================================================

Clarke was enjoying the skyline view from her apartment, hue of blue and red coming together, signifying the coming of the night, when her phone rang. She saw an unregistered number and she already knew who it was.

“Lexa.” The blonde answered as she situated herself on the couch.

“Clarke.”

“I’m surprised you’d even have the guts to call.”

“I have a job to do. It was necessary.”

“Are you sure you won’t stray once we see each other again?” Clarke teased, voice laced with lust.

“You’re not the only woman in the world, Clarke.” Lexa replied barely composing herself as images of their dirty deed occupied her mind.

“Well, just be sure to bed someone before you come to my apartment.”

“I’ve just finished, thank you for the concern.”

Clarke felt waves of jealousy and contempt run in her veins just imagining Lexa getting fucked by another woman. She straightened herself in her seat, afraid she’ll give away the crack in her voice.

“Not as good as me?”

“Whatever satisfies your ego.”

“Oh I bet that-“

“I thought we were to discuss schedules and not your god complex?”

She didn’t expect Lexa to be this feisty, but recalling how she treated her the last time, she somehow understood.

“Fine. How does Friday night sound to you?”

“I could work with that. What time would you like me to come?”

“After your work.”

“Understood, goodbye Ms. Griffin.”

“Bye Ms. Woods.”

==========================================================================================

The thought of Lexa being pleasured and pleasuring another didn’t leave Clarke’s mind that night. She decided to take a shower, hoping that it would calm her arousal down. It only increased though as she recalled how her and Lexa would touch each other when the bathroom was all theirs. How the girl would always take care of her first, slender fingers and warm mouth making her come over and over before giving herself to the blonde.

The hand that steadied her went to her stomach and descended lower until it delved into a very wet center. Clarke rested her head on the wall as she started to caress her slit. Memory of the brunette clouded her mind as she prodded her quivering entrance. She allowed herself to use the girl and made sure to hate herself later. After all, no one made her wanton like Lexa. 

Lexa would make her lean on the shower wall as she got down on her knees and devoured Clarke’s center like it’s her life source. She would focus on the throbbing clit while her hands would reach up and grope the breasts that belonged to the moaning blonde. The cascading water and steam were the only witnesses on the way they touched each other.

“Lex…please…your fingers…I need them mmmm!” Clarke had to cover her mouth when Lexa decided to graze her teeth on the pulsating nerve. 

“Patience Clarke…or else I’ll stop.” 

“Please don’t….ahhh!” she cried out when the brunette lashed her tongue on her already swelling clit. 

“You want to come right?”

“Yes! Fuck yes!” 

“Then shut your mouth and let me continue my work.”

Clarke nodded furiously in response. 

“Good girl.”

It didn’t take long for Clarke’s toes to curl and her back to arch as Lexa’s talented tongue brought her closer to the tipping point.

“Lex oh god! I’m gonna…fuck I’m gonna come!!” she cried out as her climax was threatening to take over. Her pleasure was halted though when Lexa moved away from her pussy and stood up.

“Lex? What-“

She didn’t get to finish her question when the brunette turned her over so that she was facing the wall and swiftly pushed two fingers inside. Her breath got caught in her throat when Lexa pounded into her, using her hips to drive her fingers even deeper as her other hand covered the blonde’s mouth in an attempt to stiffle her groans and whimpers. 

She came after two particularly hard thrust and rested her body on the girl behind her. Lexa placed soft kisses on the skin that she can reach as Clarke evened out her breathing. She slowly turned the blonde towards her and kissed her with the most gentlest of kisses, as if Clarke was made of glass. 

“Was I too rough?”

“No, it was really good.”

Lexa smiled and gave her another kiss as she pulled her into an embrace, an act that Clarke loved the most.

She remembered how Lexa always made sure that she was ok after having intense sex. That was why she loved her, or maybe even still loves her. But before that feeling could stir anymore happy memories, Clarke forced it out of her mind and focused on the rough way the brunette would handle her.

She came, hips bucking, back bowing and calling out the name of the girl who broke her. Pathetic she thought, just pathetic. 

Masturbating may have satisfied her drive, but her heart felt wearier than before, perhaps even longing for a certain girl.

===============================================================================================

On a windy Thursday night, Lexa found herself shopping for groceries. She was supposed to finish that chore yesterday but a busy office kept her from it. Her cart consisted of fruits, drinks and an abundant amount of microwavable meals. 

“Still don’t know how to cook?”

Lexa expected her night to end the same way it has for a long time, but when she heard that voice, she knew that things were about to change.

“Hello to you too, Clarke.” Lexa blandly replied as she walked past the blonde.

“I’d be happy to make something for you.” Clarke said as she stepped beside the girl.

“I’m not in the mood for poison savoring.”

“Oh please, poison runs in your veins. You’d be immune.”

“Look…” Lexa said as she turned to face the blonde “can you save all that spite and spew it at me tomorrow? I’m tired and I just wanna go home.”

“Twenty-four hours won’t be long enough for that. Would you like to have a sleepover for a year?” Clarke replied with sarcasm accompanying every word.

“You want me to live with you for a year when you can’t even stomach to make me stay the night.” 

“I believe that people change. Have dinner with me tonight and I’ll show you warmth.”

“I’d rather get soaked in heavy rain.” the brunette quipped and walked away leaving a smirking blonde behind.

As cruel as fate wanted to be, heavy rain did fall that night. Lexa could do nothing but stand outside the store and wait for the calm as she cursed her luck for this uneventful turnout. She wrapped her arms around herself as the chill nipped on her skin. Another five minutes passed and she heard the voice again.

“Where’s your car?” Clarke asked as she stood beside the girl.

“Don’t have one.” Lexa replied without looking at the blonde.

“Umbrella at least?” she asked as she unfolded an umbrella and held it upwards.

Lexa only deeply sighed and shook her head.

“Since you’ve rejected dinner with me, let me drive you home at least.”

“No thank you.”

“Don’t be stupid.”

“Don’t be pushy.”

“You’re seriously gonna wait here until the rain passes?”

“If I have to.” Lexa stated with resolve cemented in her voice.

Clarke ran her hand through her hair and let out an exasperated sigh which didn’t go unnoticed by Lexa, but the former was what she paid attention to. How she missed touching that hair, she bet that it’s as soft as the last time she held it, which was when she was fucking Clarke from behind. She quickly shook her head to avoid any more unpleasant memories from resurfacing and shuddered at what she's done.

“Listen; the longer you stay here, the higher the chances of you getting sick and we don’t want that. We have an interview to do tomorrow, an interview that would propel our careers and I would really appreciate it if you weren’t sniffling the whole time while we do it. So stop being a stubborn ass and just allow me to drive you home.”

Lexa saw the logic in Clarke’s words but her pride chained her down so she kept her mouth shut. Clarke waited for another five minutes before she got annoyed and started to walk away. But when the brunette shouted for her to wait, she smiled, turned around and went back. Lexa really was a smart girl.

“Don’t expect any favors from this, Griffin.” Lexa stated as she settled herself under the umbrella.

“I told you, I’ve changed.” Clarke smiled and crossed her heart.

=======================================================================================

The ride to the brunette’s apartment was relatively quiet, save for the music from the blonde’s radio. As they got closer and closer to their destination, the rain poured even stronger. Angry welts of drops battered the windshield as the wind shook the leaves.

Lexa knew that the right thing to do was to ask the girl to spend the night, who knows what could happen to her in this downpour. She was definitely not doing it just so she could spend time with her. The brunette was collecting the courage to ask Clarke that when the car slowly came to a stop. 

“Woods residence.” the blonde announced as she peered through her side of the window.

“Don't go.”

“What?”

“The rain’s too strong; it’s not safe to drive.”

Clarke smirked as she unbuckled her seatbelt and leaned closer to the girl “Look at you caring.”

Lexa swallowed as the distance between them was almost non-existence. “I don’t want people questioning me when you die out there. And I’m certain that I’m not the one you’d like to spend your last moments with either.”

They stared at each other for a moment with the occasional flicker at their lips before Clarke gave her answer. 

“Ok, but you have to let me make dinner.”

“Whatever it gets you to shut up.

========================================================================================

Lexa’s apartment was exactly what Clarke expected it to look like…bare, just like her part of their dorm room, that was before the blonde started to taped her artworks there with the girl’s permission. She still remembers the genuine smile Lexa gave her whenever she'd placed something new. But now it feels like the brunette doesn't even bother trying anymore.

“Ever heard of decorations Lex?”

“As far as I recall, you came here to cook, not to criticize my apartment.”

“Geez, I’m just trying to be helpful. It’ll make great conversations with the ladies you bring home you know.” 

“There’s no need for small talk when my mouth’s already latching on hers is there?”

She didn’t pry any further for she felt that jealousy in the pit of her stomach again. If she opened her mouth more, she knew that she’ll end up saying things that she’ll regret, so she gave her nonchalant shrug as an answer and made her way towards the kitchen. 

Lexa arranged the plates and glasses on the dining table while Clarke started to chop the ingredients and stir the content of the pot. The brunette joined her a while later asking if she can help with anything.

“Can you continue stirring the pot? We don’t want burnt dinner.”

“Ok, for how long?”

“I’ll tell you to stop when it’s time.” 

The brunette nodded and resumed her work. Clarke couldn’t help but notice how domestic this feels. She stole glances at Lexa and admired the way the girl stood so regal despite doing ordinary things. She saw them like this once, but that was from another life. In her staring, she accidentally cut her finger and yelped in pain.

“What happened?” Lexa asked as she approached the girl that was clutching her finger.

“The blade slipped. It’s a small wound, don’t worry.” 

“Bacteria's won’t care how small the cut is. Follow me.”

The brunette said as she turned the stove off on her way.

Once they were inside the bath room, Lexa took Clarke’s hand and aligned her finger under the running water. The softness of her hold reminded Clarke of the way the brunette would guide the blonde’s hands down her pussy as she coated her fingers with her wetness, before allowing Clarke to enter her. She even plunged her own finger in. It was the hottest thing Clarke had the honor to witness.

The thought made her flinch and startled Lexa in return.

“Sorry, I should’ve asked first.” the brunette murmured as she looked away.

“No, it’s…let’s switch jobs, you cut the rest of the ingredients and I stir the pot.”

“Got it.”

======================================================================================

Silence filled the atmosphere as they went on with their tasks. Even when they finally ate, the stillness was still there. Lexa thought that she would die from the growing awkwardness but thankfully, Clarke snorted which gave the brunette the chance to say something.

“What’s funny? Do I have something on my face?” the brunette asked the girl sitting across from her.

“No, it’s just that, I remembered when you got sick from eating too much microwavable noodles that you considered yourself a noodle as well from how limp you felt.” 

Clarke smiled as she looked at Lexa.

“You promised you wouldn’t bring it up again.”

“Only coz you promised that you’d never eat food cooked in microwaves.”

“So I broke it?”

“Yeah, just like the first time, and you ended up getting sick again.”

“And you took care of me.” Lexa softly said. 

"I liked taking care of you. We wouldn't have discovered all those restos if I hadn't."

Clarke replied but kept her sight on her plate 

Hope sparked in the brunette's heart at their current situation. Clarke was so soft spoken as if all those pain never touched them, as if she never broke her.This is the Clarke she knew, the girl she loves. She thought maybe, just maybe it's not too late after all.

So she decided to be brave.

"Maybe we can visit those places again if you're not busy." 

Clarke looked at her with a blank expression before replying with "We've hurt each other enough, why go through it for the second time?'

Lexa swallowed the lump in her throat at the rejection as she felt the spark die out. The burn in her chest was even worse than before.

"You're right, I apologize ."

"I think it's time to call it a day."

"You use the bathroom first, extra toothbrushes are in the cupboard and towels are under the sink."

"Ok, I'm taking the couch by the way."

"No, you're taking the bed."

"It's your apartment."

"You're my guest."

They started a staring contest that must've lasted for twenty minutes until Clarke threw her hands up and relented.

"Fine." she said as she headed towards the bathroom.

"I'll put fresh clothes on the bed." Lexa called out as she went on a different direction.

===========================================================================================

An hour later, the girls were settled on their resting places, but neither was asleep. Clarke was surrounded by Lexa's scent, the one that she used to wake up to, while Lexa couldn't get the image of the blonde clad only in towel from her shower. This was never a good idea in the first place, being this close to each other will only make things more complicated. If only that stupid rain didn't happen, if only she'd done her chores earlier...if only she'd been honest and tried harder.

They decided to surrender to sleep before regrets could emerge. Lexa was on the brink of slumber when she felt a warm hand caress her cheek. Misty blue eyes greeted her as soon as she opened hers. Clarke had the tenderest expression she's ever seen that it made her heart clench and ache. That's how she used to look at her.

"What's wrong?" she whispered as she sat up from her position.

"It's cold."

"I can get you another blanket."'

The blonde shook her head "I don't want that..." as she ran the pad of her thumb on Lexa's lower lip "I want you."

With that proclamation, their lips met again in the most lightest way. No one pushed too hard and no one pulled back. Clothes were shed as they made their way into the bedroom as their kisses turned passionate.

Lexa laid her on edge of the bed and wasted no time in eating her cunt. Clarke's back arched as the velvety feel of the brunette's tongue lapped her drenched center. Lexa groaned as she tasted what she's been denied for a very long time. Strong muscle circled her entrance as a thumb coaxed her clit out of its hood.

"Lex...ah! Oh fuuuuck!" Clarke cried out as her hands interlaced with the brown locks.

The brunette drove her tongue as best as she could which made the blonde lock her legs on Lexa's head while she fisted the sheets.

"Shit! Don't stop! Ahh! Don't stop!"

Her tongue hammered roughly as her thumb circled the throbbing clit of the blonde. It didn't take long for Clarke to wither and squirm as her orgasm took over. 

"Lexa yes! Ohhhh yessssss!" she cried in a broken sob as her body continued to jerk,

Lexa held her down by the waist and cleaned the mess she made. Once satisfied with her work, she left the blonde's center and trailed kisses up her torso. Her mouth suckled on pebbled nipples as her hands stroked those smooth thighs. Clarke took her wandering left hand and licked her fingers before taking two of them in her mouth. The brunette moaned and scraped her teeth on the sensitive nubs which made the other girl moan as well.

"Lex...fuck me...again."Clarke said as she released the girls hand.

Lexa nodded against her chest and entered the fluttering pussy without any warning. Still in haze from her previous orgasm, it didn't take long before Clarke's coming once more. The brunette kissed those pink lips as the girl rode out the last waves of pleasure. Lexa switched their positions so that Clarke was atop of her and soothed her back with feathery touches.

She thought that Clarke had fallen asleep so she attempted to lay her down but halted when she felt hot tears fall on her neck. There was no need to ask for the reason, she already knew why.

"Alexandria...why can't you love me?" Clarke sobbed as a new set of tears pooled in her eyes.

Lexa let out a shuddering breath and held the blonde tighter. "I'm so sorry Clarke, I'm so sorry."

She was brave enough to apologize this time but not brave enough to explain her side. So they cried, years and years of pent up sadness and frustrations were uncaged in the confines of Lexa's room. Neither slept as they pretended that this was how it was always meant to be, like they were lovers blessed by Aphrodite, and when the first light of day greeted them, Clarke retracted herself from Lexa, kissed her one last time and silently left.

This is what dying felt like, she thought. To be able to hold each other but never fully belong. To surrender your body to another who will only leave the bedside cold and to love, love that would make the gods jealous, but given at the wrong time.

Before she can stop it, fresh tears fell uncontrollably as happy memories with Clarke flashed in her mind. Days of them laughing together when they visited carnivals, holding hands as they made their way home and the way Clarke's eyes always found hers. 

Maybe that's what she's only meant to be....an unrequited memory.


	5. Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)

The blue sky that spilled at the atmosphere melded into ebony as the night made its way. The bar and resto was filled with workers who've clocked out of work, orders were made left and right and cheery conversations could be heard all around. Amongst those group included Lexa and her colleagues who decided to celebrate after the brunette's interview got positive nods from the board. It took a week of editing and then the magazine littered the stands.

She wasn't actually too keen on going out, but knowing that the confine spaces of her home would only bring her thoughts of Clarke, Lexa gave in to the insistence of her co-workers two weeks later as she was also busy in the process of buying a car ever since that drive from the grocery with Clarke. She acquired one just in time.

"To Lexa." Echo, one of her co-workers, toasted as she raised a glass of martini in the air "for writing that interview and impressing the hell out of the people on top!" 

"To Lexa!" Her colleagues cheered on as they clanked their glasses together. 

"Thank you guys for doing this and I'm pretty sure that your works would be good as well, who knows, maybe even better?" 

"Nah, you just got real passion and talent Woods, no one could be on level with you." Derrick argued as he took a sip of his beer.

"Don't speak too soon Der." The brunette countered back.

"Well, I hope that i get an interview with that Griffin chick too. Hell I might even get more than that." He snickered while Lexa clenched her teeth in anger.

"And what do you mean by that?" Lexa insisted, keeping her cool but her eyes contained fury. She adjusted her 3/4's white shirt as the room suddenly became too hot.

"I heard she's wild. Doesn't matter if it's on the bed or not." Derrick grinned and gulped his drink down.

Lexa wanted to smash his face but then remembered that she wasn't anything to Clarke, not even friends. Professionalism is the only thread that binds them now and what reason would she give her co-workers for scarring Derrick's face? 

"We don't know her well enough so it's better not to jinx her don't you think?" The brunette stated which earned her a yes from the group. 

She was glad that the Clarke talk was over or else she would have defended her and said more than she'd like to. 

Despite the happy aura that she was surrounded with, Lexa could only think about the blonde and how she was doing. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The day after they made love, Lexa could barely get out of bed. She was supposed to be reviewing her questions for Clarke for the planned interview, but the way she held her that night seemed to have planted another hold on her heart that she had spent five years trying to cut away. In all honesty, she didn't want to forget anything from Clarke. Every smile, laugh, conversation, moans and even the tiny baggage's that the blonde held which only Lexa knew how to coax out. Those five years barely made a dent in her affection for the other girl. She took others to bed but they just felt wrong that the one night stands lessened and lessened as time went by to the point where she barely had any at all. She awoke with blue eyes and blonde hair and the others just didn't fit that. 

The soft tendrils of the blonde's hair that would fall on her shoulder as the girl would try and get her to stir her up, the sleepy "good morning's" and the little pecks that the girl mapped on her skin even before the sun could shine through their window. She never got that anymore. It was fuck and leave after Clarke. 

She woke up to love until one day she didn't. 

Again, she only had herself to blame. The cowardice that flowed in her blood outweighed the need to be with Clarke and she knew after she made that heart shattering decision that she was never deserving of someone as good as Clarke. 

So she let it go, until Clarke sauntered into that restaurant at least.

When she finally did have the strength to rise, she didn't expect that her first action would be is to clutch and smell the pillow that Clarke had lain upon while she made love to her. Fresh pools of tears threatened to fall from those jade eyes as she remembered how the girl kissed her tenderly just before making her way out. It's the second time that she had witnessed Clarke so crestfallen and it's all because of her. It's the greatest defeat she's ever felt.

After getting her stuff together and composing herself to the very best of her ability, she made her way to the blonde's apartment for the interview. Every step that she took felt like the earth was turning faster and gravity was making her heavier. She knew the real reason though, she's scared. 

When she finally reached door, she couldn't even hear herself knocking for the beating of her heart rivaled it and was winning. It wasn't out of fear of the blonde's spiteful words that she dreaded, but it was the sad look in Clarke's eyes that she would surely take to the grave. On the third knock the door was opened and in front of her stood a plain looking Clarke, in her shorts and t-shirt, like the way she used to in college.

Lexa figured that there was no catch in this. Clarke was simply too tired of fighting and it hurts more that she dared to admit.

"Hello Clarke." The brunette greeted as Clarke held the door wider.

"Lexa." The blonde responded with a nod "Come in."

The first thing that she noticed upon entering the blonde's abode was the lack of paintings on the wall. She reminded herself that it was none of her business but the concern she felt in her guts won out eventually. 

"Where did all the painting go?" She asked as she turned to face the blonde.

"Gone." Clarke answered, an unfeeling tone evident in her voice.

"Oh." Was all Lexa could answer knowing that Clarke didn't wanna tell her the reason judging from the way she spoke. 

"Can we start now? I have a lot to do." The blonde uttered as she sat down on the couch, barely giving Lexa a glance.

"Of course." Lexa replied and the heavy feeling in her heart threatened to make her eyes weepy coz this indifference from Clarke was worse than she had imagined.

The interview was pleasant since Clarke was as professional at best. The only thing that made Lexa sad was the way Clarke would turn away when she gave an answer. 

"What made you dwell into the world of art?" 

"I like creating beautiful things."

"How many have you created so far?"

"Less than what I should've done by now."

"And why is that?" 

At this question,Clarke finally did set her eyes on Lexa. Ice blue as they were that they sent a shiver down the brunette's spine. 

" Someone took something from me. And all I could do in those years was ask why. Why in all our time together did she have the courage to break my heart yet not the courage to explain to me why. Even yesterday, when I've teared my walls down and all she could muster is an apology." The blonde rushed out and took a deep breathe "I couldn't even buy a new set of paints for I feared that I would only paint a ghost."  
Clarke scoffed and added " I couldn't even go near an art store." 

Silence fell between them and Lexa was grasping her pen so hard that it was sure to make a mark on her palm. Clarke's gaze at her remained steady as if waiting for a retort. 

"Clarke-" Lexa tried to explain but the blonde cut her off.

"Don't ask questions you're not prepared to be answered for you." 

Lexa nodded once in acceptance and avoided questions which would surely have her sobbing at the end of the night.

When the interview was over, Clarke saw her out but before the blonde could close the door, Lexa gathered the bravery she needed and asked "Clarke, please tell me you're going to be ok." 

That question made Clarke's hold on the doorknob tighter and the burn in her chest hotter. Before tears could make their way into her eyes, she stood her ground and replied "You even had the guts to ask that." 

The last thing she saw was the door being slammed in her face. 

Clarke found a home in her, and so did she with Clarke. But she thought that even if they do get together, all that's left to come home to are broken pieces of materials that would barely even survive a gust of wind. So maybe it's better this way.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After the celebration, Lexa was driving home when she spotted Clarke walking with heavy feet on heels as a man tried to make her stop. Behind said man was another woman who was clearly in need of an explanation, judging from the way she was hitting and cursing at the guy. Lexa slowed her driving even more when the girl came for Clarke and before she could get out of the car, the cat fight started.

Lexa hurriedly ran and pried Clarke off the girl while the man did the same with the other girl. Clarke was squirming so much that she hit Lexa's nose making the brunette grunt which was unheard by the blonde. The man gave Lexa a sorry look and dragged the woman away.

"He's a lousy fuck anyway so you can keep him you bitch!" Clarke shouted and tried to catch her breath. 

It only registered to her that someone was still holding her back when she felt a breath on her neck. She turned her head around and her mood became even more fowl when she saw the brunette. 

"Let me go or I swear to god I will punch you next." 

"Promise me you won't go after that girl."

"Screw you Lexa!" Clarke shouted as she tried and fought her way out of Lexa's grasp which only made the brunette hold her tighter. 

"Then I won't let go." 

There was a time when Clarke loved hearing those words from the girl. It was when she would hold back her problems and Lexa would wrap her arms around her waist and hold her until she relented. It had always brought her relief and comfort but everything's different now and Lexa's hold was only suffocating her.

"Fine!" 

After a minute of Clarke standing still, Lexa slowly removed her hand and backed away. Clarke turned to look at her at this point and she expected curses from the blonde's tongue but what she heard was words of concern laced under the grumpy mood. 

"The fuck happened to you?" Clarke asked as stepped closer to the brunette.

"What do you mean?" Lexa asked with a confused look on her face.

" Your nose is bleeding dumb ass."

Lexa swiped her fingers under her nose and saw a small amount of blood. "Oh."

"God you're such a mess." Clarke harshly said and started to walk away in the other direction.

"You caused this you know."

Only did the pain in her head register when Lexa said those words. She remembered hitting something but because she was consumed by rage then, she didn't even mind it. 

"Oh." The blonde uttered as she crossed her arms on her chest.

"Yeah."

"Well I didn't mean it." Clarke said as she walked backed and offered Lexa her handkerchief. 

"I know, it's ok." Lexa replied while refusing to take the offer.

"Oh sure Lexa, wipe the blood off with your arms. So mature of you."

Lexa gave her a glare and finally took the handkerchief and wiped her nose. Clarke gave her one final look to make sure that she got it all and upon seeing that she missed a spot, the blonde rolled her eyes and took the handkerchief away and gently cleaned the spot.

The gesture made both of their hearts beat erratically and when their eyes met it was like a force was pushed between them, as if reminding them that Earth and Sky were meant to part and that made Clarke clutched the clothing and walked the other direction.

"Where are you going?" Lexa asked as she hurried off with the girl.

"To join the fight club, what do you think?" 

"Clarke."

"Lexa."

"Your apartment is the other way."

"I like taking the long route."

"Or you could just admit that you're lost and that guy was supposed to be your ride home before that girl ruined it." 

"Why do you care?!"

"The streets are not safe Clarke." 

"Oh I didn't know you're a vigilante too, you've been on nightwatch patrol?" 

Lexa was clearly exasperated but kept her cool "The interview has just been released and your career is just starting so please be rational about this." 

"Ok fine. Drive me home but no talking." Clarke demanded as she pointed a finger at the brunette.

"Ok."

"Where's a cab when you need one?!" Clarke complained as she got into the car.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The drive back to the blonde's apartment was relatively quiet as to what they had agreed on. The only noise was from their breathing and when it got too unsettling for the Clarke, she turned the stereo on and regretted it the moment she did. 

The song "You and Me" by Lifehouse played and Clarke was so quick to shut the stereo off that she slumped heavily back in her seat. Lexa didn't say anything still, her hand gripped the wheel though as if her life depended on it. Minutes passed and another unwelcomed sound was heard...Clarke's stomach, obviously starved of nutrition.

"The bitch stormed in before I could even eat half of my servings." Clarke explained but kept her gaze forward.

"I understand. Do you have any food in your apartment?"

Clarke slumped lower in her seat and said, as if embarrassed "No." 

Lexa fought the urge to laugh, the action made her remember a day where Clarke forgot to buy groceries so she had no choice left but to eat one of Lexa's microwavable food. The blonde sulked all day and vowed never to forget groceries again.

"You broke a promise."

"What?" The question made Clarke turn her attention to the driver instead of the lights on the streets. 

"You promised back then that you would never forget to buy groceries ever again, but since you confessed that you have no food in your apartment....it's only logical to assume that you forgot."

"At least I didn't endure microwavable foods coz I was too lazy to actually go shopping." 

Lexa smiled at the retort but didn't push her luck.

"I can drop you off a grocery store and then you can take it from there if you want."

"Don't wanna cook." 

"Ok what about mic-"

"Suggest microwavable food and I will make your nose bleed again." Clarke said with a heated gaze on Lexa.

"Alright, a restaurant then?" 

"And eat alone while people give me the looks? No thank you."

"A diner then, last option." 

Clarke took a breath and gave her approval. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Upon arriving at the diner, Clarke made herself presentable again and finally softened at how Lexa was patient with her.

"Thank you." The blonde softly said which caused them both to look at each each other.

"Don't worry about it." Lexa assured her and gave her a soft smile."

Clarke smiled back and the smile turned to laughter when Lexa's stomach grumbled as well. 

"Really Lex?"

"I only had drinks tonight ok?" 

"And you can't cook for shit either."

"Thank you very much for the reminder Griffin." 

Clarke beamed at her again and Lexa's chest felt lighter after seeing that. This was not the best idea but she's selfish. 

"You know, since we're already here....wanna eat together?" The blonde asked, nervousness evident in her eyes.

Lexa smiled again and said "I would love that." 

They entered the diner and ordered burgers. Clarke found pickles in hers to which, out of habit, poked them with a toothpick and placed them on Lexa's plate. If she was aware of what she was doing or not, Lexa was too happy to say a word about it. She was too happy that it scared her that this will change as tomorrow comes. 

"I still don't understand why you eat fries with mustard." Clarke rhetorically asked as she squirted mustard on the side of Lexa's fries. 

Lexa still didn't say anything, her heart was leaping for joy seeing how the blonde was her old self. She took a couple, dipped them in the mustard and ate them while Clarke looked at her like she was performing cannibalism. 

"Don't hate me coz you ain't me Griffin." Lexa finally chided and Clarke could only stick out her tongue in retaliation. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The soft splatter of rain fell and the two of them just watched as it filled the world with a chill. The walk to the car wasn't even that far but something unspoken kept them from leaving.

After a minute of rain filled silence, Clarke was the first to break.

"Hey Lexa?" The blonde asked as she continued watching outside.

"Yeah?" The brunette answered as she did the same.

"Can we be friends again?" 

The question made Lexa turn around, expecting for Clarke to call it out as a joke or something, but the weary look in the girl's eyes told her of longing that she could've given a long time ago.

"I would want nothing more Clarke." Lexa said in earnest, and slowly took the blonde's hand in hers.

Clarke didn't face her, she was expecting a different answer but this was better than a "No". She squeezed her hand back as a smile made its way to her lips, it wasn't what she truly wanted but if being friends meant that she gets to have Lexa back with no more spite and remorse, then so be it. She just hoped that the girl would give her an explanation one day without her heart breaking. 

It was impossible. 

But this lie was better than the void in her life that the girl used to occupy.

The rain continued to fall as she did with Lexa, and someday it would turn into a flood that could either be her salvation or demise. 

Still Clarke smiled, wishing that the rain would never stop. Even wishing that the world would end now.

Unbeknownst to her that Lexa was wishing the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys the next chapter wouldn't be published soon but i will try my best :)


	6. Shattered bubble

The agreement of being friends again worked in the first months, the text messages were light and safe and they made sure not to cross any line. Sure it brought smiles on their faces but in truth, it only made them see each other less and less. They woke up reminiscing conversations they had, talks that happen every 2 or 4 days. Whether it was that the other person didn't wanna push too much or just simply didn't have the time, both mouths were held.

Sometimes, in the middle of conversing, the other had to go due to personal reasons and the receiver didn't have a choice but to let go. A snarky response to "I'm sorry Clarke." turned to "It's ok.". The disappointment whenever it would happen stung and the happiness eventually turned to longing.

Back in their college days, Clarke would convince Lexa to stay a little bit longer, and the brunette would do it out of her own want to spend more time with the blonde. Clarke had to remind herself that she didn't have the right to do that anymore. So she goes back to drawing yet her eyes would dart to her phone more often than her paper. The ring from her phone became Clarke's favorite tune.

Sometimes Lexa comes back, sometimes she doesn't.

Sometimes Clarke scolds herself for hoping too much.

"This is for the best." Clarke told herself as she went to bed. A sense of fallacy gnawing at her bones.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Discussions weren't the only thing getting half-done, on Lexa's case, it was the dinner that they were supposed to have after Clarke's gallery showing became a success. The brunette eagerly researched the perfect recipe for Clarke's favorite food, without the girl knowing. She spent an hour, her best effort and determination in the kitchen. A smiling Clarke was already in her head.

It was supposed to be a surprise. But she got the surprise when the blonde called, apology evident in her voice stating that she couldn't make it due to the asses that she has to impress. There was no "Maybe next time?" or "How about tomorrow night?" so all that Lexa could muster was an "It's ok."

She was left with a set dinner table and no appetite.

Lexa spent the rest of the night with a bottle of wine as her friend all the while cursing herself for hoping.

"Well at least I can cook decently now." She said to herself and downed her drink.

Hope gives chances to others, but not them.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

3 a.m's were spent re-reading old messages while the song "Molly" by lil dicky played on.

Lexa with alcohol in her blood and Clarke with a scorched lung.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A week passed since they last heard from each other. Lexa was sitting on her couch on a Saturday eve itching to send a text. She didn't want Clarke to think that she was desperate despite the worry that was piercing her heart. The blonde could be anywhere, if she took her car then it would be ok since she uses the GPS locator but if she's on foot then the situation is not good.

She stood up, paced back and forth, her phone resting on the coffee table. She bit her lower lip and pondered for another way to hear from the blonde. She suddenly hated the fact that sending letters through birds isn't a viable option anymore. Lexa was about to give in when the sound she's been craving, Clarke's personal ringtone echoed in her ears.

It took 4 rings and disbelief before Lexa snapped out of her trance and answer the call.

She took a deep breathe and said a weak "Hello?"

"Were you shitting?" Clarke asked, amusement in her voice.

"What?"

"I asked if you were shitting. Took you long enough to answer."

"No, I was..." Lexa struggled for a good excuse as to why she wasn't quick enough to receive the call but it took her a good minute so the blonde just assumed.

"It's ok Lex, we all shit."

"Haha Clarke."

"Listen, if it was diarrhea, it's still ok. You just gotta ease on the cheese alright?"

"I love cheese."

"I know, but your ass doesn't."

A laughed emitted from Lexa and Clarke couldn't help but smile at the sound. She never thought that something as simple as a laugh would make her heart tug like this. A laugh she had not heard for 5 years.

"Ok, less cheese."

"More macaroni?"

"You called to quote that episode from Courage the cowardly dog?" Lexa smiled as she finally allowed herself to relax once more on the couch.

"You love that episode. We even ate mac and cheese while we watched it...for the 7th time."

"I paid for those mac and cheese."

"I cooked those mac and cheese. Coz god knows when you made the first batch it turned into a soggy paste."

"And now I know the reason why you called, to argue about digested food." The brunette jabbed as she laid herself down.

Clarke chuckled and said "I actually wanted to ask if you wanna go out?"

The question caught Lexa off guard that she had to sit up and make sure, was Clarke really asking her for the night? "Go out?"

The blonde cleared her throat and reiterated "Yeah, I mean, the carnival is still open." The word "no" was already flashing in her mind.

"Yes."

"But if you're busy I totally understand and-"

"Clarke." Lexa interrupted as the girl continued to blab.

"All that paperwork that you do whew! I can-"

"Clarke!"

The brunette called out firmly the second time.

"What?"

"I said yes. I would like to go with you to the carnival."

Clarke had to take a minute before the word "yes" sank it and when Lexa called out if she was still there, that's when she was brought back to reality.

"Yeah sorry, still here. Ok...so, can I pick you up?"

"Wow you're that strong?" Lexa joked followed by another giggle.

"Asshole. See you in 20?"

"I'll be here."

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They bid each other goodbye and Lexa immediately got up and went straight to her closet. She had to remind herself that they were just friends and this was definitely not a date. But the adrenaline in her veins got her so pumped up with the fact that she'll be spending time with the blonde that she couldn't make up her mind about what to wear. She had to stop herself and turn to face the mirror on her stand.

" Stop being an asshole. Friends invite friends to carnivals." The brunette said as she pointed a finger at her reflection.

What started as a little reminder turned into harsh beating.

"You pushed her away, you don't even deserve this kindness so don't push it."

Her actions were not fast paced after that. She reverted into the Lexa that didn't have anything to look forward to. The girl who goes to the second love she knows...her job. She took a leather jacket from its hanger along with the white tee and her black plants. Her boots were in the same place that she's always left them, beside her door.

Clarke told her back then to place her shoes beside the door and put whatever important thing she has to bring on top of them so that she wouldn't forget it the next day. She asked herself if she placed her love for the girl on them too, coz she brought it with her everyday since.

She resigned herself from the thought and got dressed and waited for Clarke's message on the couch.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The only sound that registered to Clarke was the sound of her heart thumping. She was second guessing if this carnival trip was such a good idea. The want to make up for the cancelled celebration that they were supposed to have was too strong that she didn't think things through. What if Lexa only said yes coz she didn't wanna smear this agreement that they had?

Her grip on the steering wheel loosened and tightened as she tried to control her breathing. She got too elated when the other girl agreed that she forgot to grab a jacket on her way out and now she's left with only a shirt.

"You're really smart Griffin." The blonde uttered to herself. " Now you'll be suffering throughout this night."

She was talking about the chill that the wind would surely bring, but she felt there was another meaning to that word "suffering."

"Just keep things friendly coz you're only friends now. You weren't the same people 5 years ago so don't fuck it up."

She had to take a while to compose herself when she arrived at Lexa's apartment building. The last minute check on her mirror was made just in case she had something on her face. Why was she even this nervous, who was she trying to impress? It's only Lexa after all.

"Only Lexa." Clarke repeated to herself and she felt a pang in her chest.

There's only ever been Lexa.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The brunette made her way down she she got the blonde's message. Lexa wasn't too keen on going out with other people but this was Clarke. She convinced herself that the reason why she even agreed was because of friendship reasons, when it was the fact that she missed 5 years with the girl and she didn't wanna waste anymore.

Clarke was sitting on the hood of her car when Lexa finally opened the door. When the blonde met her eyes, she gave her a smile that took Lexa back to the night they first met. Clarke was also sitting on the hood a car at that party when Lexa stumbled out and the world was kind enough to intertwine their lives at that moment.

The one night stand that turned into fuck buddies that turned into the greatest love she's ever known.

"Did I take too long? The brunette asked as she approached the other girl.

"Lexa, it hasn't even been three minutes." Clarke responded with an eye roll.

"Just making sure." Lexa replied, grumpiness evident on her face which made the blonde chuckle.

"Get in the car woods."

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The roaring laughter of machines and children permeated the place as they arrived. Pieces of candy and popcorn littered their path as they searched for rides try. The one that stood out the most was the roller coaster and before Lexa could even protest, Clarke was dragging her by the arm.

She wondered if Clarke did that on purpose.

Maybe holding hands was far too much.

"Clarke are you sure you wanna do this?" The brunette asked as they waited in line for their turn.

"I'm already here am I not?"

"Yeah but that last time we went on a roller coaster....it didn't end well."

"That was five years ago Lex. Besides, I have better reflex control now."

"But what if you puke?"

"Then I'll give you 5 dollars and permission to tease me about it. Sounds fair?" Clarke said as she took out a bill from her pocket and waved it in front of the brunette.

"Sounds fair. But what if you puke on me?"

"20 dollars."

Lexa could only smile, knowing that she'll be getting the money when this ride was done.

They sat on the front seat and their shouts were drowned by the altitude and their fears with joy. After the ride was over, the girls found themselves in the bathroom with Clarke heaving inside the cubicle while Lexa waited outside with a bottle of water in her hand, the 5 dollar on the other while she wore a victorious grin.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They went on other rides, ones that were less extreme than the coaster. Lexa even suggested the merry go round to which Clarke gave her the middle finger. But it seemed that the shame of puking was spreading through Clarke like a disease that she couldn't get rid of the frown.

"Are you still sulking?" Lexa asked as they made their way to the games. "I did warn you, you know?"

"Oh hail the wise Lexa." Clarke replied with sarcasm. "I think i puked my dinner."

"Want me to buy you a hotdog?"

The blonde shook her head and felt her body shiver which didn't go unnoticed by the brunette. Without a word, Lexa shrug off her jacket and held it for the blonde to take. Clarke was stunned and the kind gesture that she had to decline.

"Don't be stubborn now Griffin."

"I'm being reasonable. If I take your jacket then you'll get cold."

Lexa chuckled and pointed at her head "Have you seen my hair?"

Her blue eyes got lost by how gorgeous Lexa's hair looked. She remembered running her hands through them after their love making, the times when she'd pull it back and scoop them into a bun when it got too hot and the way it would tickle her stomach when the girl would go down on her. She wondered if she'll ever feel the softness of Lexa's hair again.

"Griff?" Lexa asked with concern furrowed in her brow.

Clarke gently took the jacket and said "You didn't cut it."

Lexa met her eyes, a small smile adorning her face and replied "You did say not to so."

Silence lingered between them, not an awkward one but the kind that fills the space when there's realization hanging in the air.

Clarke was the first to break it with "It's beautiful." as she started to walk again.

"Thank you." The brunette replied catching up to the girl's strides. "I know what would make you feel better."

The blonde halted at her tracks and said "What?"

Lexa smiled and pointed to a shooting game where you can win a stuffed animal.

The thought was enough for Clarke's sulking to dissipate. A smile took it's place as she gently shoved the brunette in the direction of the game and said "Go win me one, Woods."

The rule was simple, hit the standing match stick with a pellet and you win. Clarke voiced out that it was impossible but Lexa still paid and took her aim.

It took only one shot and the man was handing the brunette with the prize.

Lexa was beaming as she received her winning, she made the toy face her and said " Hey buddy, try your best to make Clarke happy ok?"

She handed it over to the blonde who was smiling as well and mouthed a thank you to the girl.

Clarke wondered just how many matchsticks did she plant only for Lexa to shoot them down at the first try and claim her heart each time.

The rest of the night was spent playing other activities and eating cotton candy while Clarke wore Lexa's jacket and held on to her stuffed lion.

She knew she'd be taking it to bed later on.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Thank you for today Clarke, that was really fun." Lexa confessed as they arrived on her block as she folded the jacket in her arms.

"You mean my puking right?"

"It was the best part."

"Ass."

They couldn't contain the laugh that followed after that. After a while, Lexa fiddled on her shirt, clearly wanting to say something.

"You ok Woods?" Clarke inquired with a raised brow as the brunette continued to fidget.

Lexa took a deep breath and turned to face the blonde "I've been practicing cooking. And I think I'm ok with it now...so if it's not too much to ask, would you like to critic my dish next week?"

Clarke was quiet for a while that the ember in Lexa's chest started to turn to fire again.

"Is Sunday ok?"

"What?"

The blonde chuckled at her friend's nervousness and reiterated "Lexa, would Sunday work for you?"

Lexa finally felt light upon hearing that and said "Yes it would."

"I guess I'll see you then."

"Yes you will, thank you for this night again." Lexa uttered as she took the seatbelt off.

"You're welcome."

"Goodbye Clarke, please drive safely."

"Goodbye Lexa, and don't worry, I'll be home in one piece."

They gave each other one last smile before Lexa exited the car.

She was on her way to the door when the blonde called out "Hey Lex!"

The brunette turned around and replied "Yes?"

"I should put 911 on speed dial just in case right?" Clarke joked with a shit eating grin.

Lexa glared at her and gave her the middle finger before retreating back in her home.

They both fell asleep dreaming of the each other for the first time in years. Lexa was starting to think that if this goes on, she'd be brave enough to give Clarke the explanation that she had deprived her of. She just hopes that the girl would understand and be her friend still....or maybe then can even start again.

Clarke cuddled with the lion as she dreamt of a certain brunette. Even in her dreams, Lexa remains ethereal and she's pretty much still in love.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The confrontation was sooner than Lexa expected and their little bubble of safety made of pretense broke when Octavia Blake decided to visit.

Her first words to the blonde were "She's a coward Clarke, you really want her to destroy you again?!"


	7. Blunt truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen to lord huron's "the night we met" after reading this :)
> 
> hate me more :)

Art block plague Clarke's mind as she attempted to brush on her canvass on a Tuesday night. She couldn't even count the times she'd cleaned her brush on the towel coz she just couldn't get the color right. It was this green that she couldn't recreate for some reason. She sighed and paced more than work.

The passed days in her studio was spent making new paintings for the upcoming gallery and she was supposed to have 1 at least done by then but that Saturday with Lexa kept playing in her mind. It was the happiest she's been in the last 5 years. There was this truth that was gnawing in her lie though, Lexa was still a double edge sword and she's just evading every swing.

Clarke had to sit down and evaluate the decisions that she's made.It took her at least a month to stop hoping that the other girl would contact her, a year for Octavia's words to grow walls on her pride and 3 years before she could sleep with another girl again. But right now, she's very much aware that she's back on square one, blindly loving her destruction. Everything that she went through resurfaced, every reality that Octavia has thrown in her face, every opportunity that she's missed, all because of Lexa.

The hate started to deplete the love that she saved for the brunette, but before it could even dent the happiness that's residing in her broken heart, Clarke drowned it.

Lexa is here, that's all that matters.

As soon as the image of a smiling brunette flooded her mind, a cherished sound filled the room.

She scrambled towards the stool where her phone was placed and answered on the first ring.

"Lex?" Clarke tried not to sound too jovial upon hearing the brunette's breathing.

"Hey, I'm not bothering you am I?"

"No no, don't worry. Are you ok?" A lie.

"Yeah, I just called to ask if you'd like Italian or American dish for Sunday?"

A smile graced the blonde's face, remembering their upcoming dinner "Mmmmmm...surprise me."

She heard a sighed on the other end of the line and she couldn't help but chuckle.

"Clarke...I need specifics."

"I was specific."

"You said surprise me."

"Yes, be specific with the surprise."

A low grumble emitted through the phone and she knew that Lexa was pouting "Lexi, don't be grumpy now."

"If I end up making something you don't want, then you can't blame me."

"Impossible, I love everything that you make."

As soon as the word "Love" came out, silence trotted after. It was true though, she loved everything Lexa made for her. The poorly drawn portrait of Clarke that the brunette created when the blonde was worried about her exams. That made her laugh in the whole week of worrying. She kept that art, it's her favorite. From the art to the little notes that the brunette left...she kept those too. Clarke re-read them on drunken nights, blaming the burn from the alcohol for the tears in her eyes.

Lexa must've felt the tension and cleared her throat "Ok, I'll do my best for the dish, thank you for your time."

Clarke didn't want the brunette to think that she had dug up a buried memory so she decided to be her snarky self "Wow, you sound like a sales rep. You sure you got the right job?" She could sense Lexa rolling her eyes at that statement.

"Are you sure you're not just procrastinating?" Lexa retorted and she had no way out.

"I'm having an art block, I'm sure you understand."

"I don't thrive in the field of canvass so no, I don't understand."

"I'm talking about the block you ass."

"Well you can drive around tomorrow and I'm sure you'll find some inspiration. You always do Griff."

Clarke sighed in defeat and said "Been there done that, still nothing."

Lexa contemplated for a minute and decided to risk this plan "Hey, you know I still have those drawings you gave me back then...if you want, I can give them back and maybe you can be inspired? By your drawings I mean, not me giving them back."

She knows Lexa was trying not to cross the boundary that they've set, but knowing that the girl kept something from hers, despite what happened to them was enough to make her eyes water. She clutched her shirt, the area on her heart in an attempt to sound unaffected.

"Yeah, that would be nice. That's very kind of you, thank you."

"Would tomorrow night be ok?"

"You just want free dinner." Clarke jabbed, wiping the tears away.

"Bye Clarke."

"No no! You bring my drawings by 7:30 and I'll order pizza, sound good?"

"Yes...so I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Alright....goodbye Lexa."

"Goodbye Clarke."

As soon as the call ended, the prick in her heart started. Pride should be filling that place, not this love she harbored for the brunette. What happened to the Clarke that was ready to smack Lexa if they ever meet again? What happened to the plan on being successful and moving on to another who'll love her better? They all failed obviously...she's still that girl who was ready to give up love just for one lustful day with Lexa.

Clarke sat on the stool and patted her chest, the ache now reached her bones "Buddy, please not now....not again."

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The soft dance of wind peppered Lexa's cheeks as she sat on her balcony, the plan she gave out earlier never vacating her thoughts. Did she push too much? They did agree to meet on Sunday and now they'll see each other again tomorrow night, wasn't that too soon?

Her thoughts wandered to the drawings that she was to give back, they've been in the same container, the same place where she left them years ago. She tried to get rid of them coz it was like a haunting memory that screamed at her whenever she'd open her drawer. She succumb to the regret though, the regret that she'd be losing what she has left of Clarke if she did throw them away. So she hid them and swore to never set eyes on them again.

Some nights she was weak though, slender fingers would trace the lines that formed into something breathtaking in Clarke's hands. Colors so vivid as if the blonde poured all her beauty in them.

Clarke was in love with her when she made them, she can't say the same now.

She knew why Clarke's paintings now were not as vibrant as her drawings back then and the guilt was stabbing her deeper this time.

Tired feet guided her to her bedroom where the art was kept. She sat on the bed and opened the drawer, she didn't even need to look to find what she was looking for.

Nostalgia and grief ran through her veins at the sight of what she was holding. The blonde started to make them a year after they met, one for each month, there were 36 all in all. They were the reason why Lexa got excited for each day that passed, the new art and Clarke. In all honesty, it was always Clarke, from the first light of morning to the surrender of the sun.

Nothing could compare to the smile that radiated from the blonde whenever she'd hand her new creation.

Nothing could deluge the beat of Lexa's heart either.

She'd pull the girl into a passionate kiss that said all the gratitude that her mouth couldn't make. Sometimes those kisses led to something more and that hand that fashioned allurement on paper, created something beautiful inside of her.

She scanned the papers one, the first year drawings were of flowers that Lexa loves. She spent some of her free time in flower markets, sometimes holding flowers, sometimes holding Clarke. The second year was of animals, a chuckle broke out of her upon seeing the raccoon drawing, Clarke once said that she reminded the blonde of a raccoon. It was from all those times she foraged the girls snacks when she ran out. At the last paper from the second year, Lexa had to take a deep breath for this was the year that Clarke drew people....the image that she cherished the most was in there somewhere.

The first paper was of them, the image showed a laughing blonde and a grumpy Lexa. It was during the time where the brunette ate too much spicy food and got her stomach upset that Clarke swore she'd never made her forget and she never did. Page after page kept that sad smile on Lexa's face but upon reaching the last one, heartbreak took over.

It was a smiling image of her and she never forgot what happened that day.

Philosophy class demanded its presence at 7 am, Lexa and Clarke found themselves on the back row of the class, playing tic tac toe while their professor prepared. They heard ruffling of papers and when the man opened his mouth, the first question of that day was "What is love?"

Clarke immediately flashed in her mind that she couldn't help but turn her head and look at the girl beside her, all the unspoken affection carried in her eyes while her mouth formed a smile. Clarke looked at her in so much awe and raw devotion that she captured the picture perfectly. Perhaps that's the reason why this drawing was the hardest to gaze upon...for it was this moment that she knew that it was Clarke as Clarke had known it was her.

The moment where she loved Clarke and Clarke loved her back without words.

The searing in her chest became too much the she found herself blinking away tears. She placed the drawings back in place and retired for the night.

She didn't know that tomorrow, all would catch up to her.

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Clarke was on the couch staring at the box of pizza that had just arrived, she questioned whether she made the right order. Lexa did still prefer four cheeses right? She shook herself and reminder herself that Lexa would only stop by, give her the drawings, eat pizza and leave so there was nothing to be concerned about.

The apartment was so quiet that she could hear the ticking of the clock, since when did she become uncomfortable in this silence? She used to spend nights letting the tranquility covet her as she painted away, but now that Lexa's back...she's craving the chaos again.

A knock on her door took her out of her thinking and when she opened it, she finally found the color green she's been looking for.

Lexa eyes....that's why she couldn't get the color right.

The brunette was carrying a small box and she immediately figured what it contained.

"Hey." Lexa greeted with a faint smile.

"Hey yourself." Clarke replied, stepping aside as the brunette walked in.

The paintings were back on Clarke's wall, so Lexa took that as a good sign.

"I ordered four cheeses, you still like that right?" The blonde asked as they plopped down the couch.

"Always." The brunette replied, smiling at her again.

It's that damn smile that's gonna wreck her again...and she knew she'd let it.

"Thank you for doing this Lex, I apologize if i ruined your schedule."

"Don't be silly, I wouldn't have offered if I was busy."

The answer made Clarke's chest flood with hurt again, knowing that she now only came second. Back then, Lexa dropped everything when it came to her.

She fought the disappointment and tapped at the box "May I?"

"Of course." Lexa said as she handed the box towards the blonde.

It was like opening Pandora's box, instead of all the evil in the world though, it was their demons that came out. She wondered if hope was in there too. Every turn of the page was another knife on Clarke, she made them with every ounce of endearment for the other girl, but now, they were just pieces of an almost happy ending. She remembered every memory that came with each art, happy memories that she would gladly experience once more, even if it means going through that heartbreak with Lexa in the end.

Clarke looked at each one fondly, a small smile on her face as Lexa watched with a soft smile as well.

"Peonies."

"You love them."

"So do you."

Their gazes met, a little too long to be just friends and Clarke quickly evaded the emotion that was sure to ruin this night.

"Oh this was the time you got diarrhea."

"Clarke shut up."

They talked about what they did based on the image, laughter filling the space of Clarke's home. The blonde was on the last page when she noticed that the one she's been dying to see was not there. Her drawing of a smiling Lexa, the Lexa who looked at her when the word love was mentioned, the Lexa that made her feel what being in love was really like.

She wondered if the brunette had lost it, it has been 5 years after all....but knowing Lexa, she probably left it behind to save both of them from further pain.

She was kind like that sometimes.

Clarke was about to utter something when a insistent knock echoed through her door. They both looked at each other in confusion before the blonde got up and opened it. She dreaded the decision immediately for Octavia spoke her mind before Clarke could explain.

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"She's a coward Clarke, you really want her to destroy you again?!"

"O, I-"

"I saw the two of you at the carnival, don't tell me that you walked in her snare again."

Octavia stood rigid, fuming at the seams at the rage in her system. Clarke instinctively blocked the view with her body, knowing that this would not end well. The angry brunette was waiting for an explanation when Clarke made the mistake of looking behind her, seeing a wide eyed Lexa looking back. Octavia caught on and pushed the door further and walked inside.

"You." Octavia addressed Lexa, spite and bitterness evident in her tone. "What the hell are you doing here?!"

Lexa slowly stood from the couch,taking a little step back in case Octavia rushes towards her. "I just came by to drop Clarke's drawings that's all."

"Wow, you're friends again?" Octavia replied with a sarcastic giddy tune "How good did she fuck the hate out of you this time Clarke?"

"Octavia!" Clarke scolded, her hold on the knob tightening. "Lexa and I are just friends so please calm down."

"You forgive her that easily?" Octavia inquired with a raise of her brow.

"Not entirely but-" The blonde reasoned but couldn't form the right words.

"So you're just defending her? Tell me Clarke, has she given the explanation that you deserve?" Her stance was so predatory that she was sure to burn marks on Clarke's floor.

Blue eyes burdened with sadness met Lexa and she knew that Clarke was starting to side with Octavia now. She couldn't say a thing as the blonde's eyes begged and Octavia's glare continued to be hard as steel. Lexa fiddled with her shirt, pain, anxiety and anger shaking her all up once. She wanted to say something, anything, but the devil's got a hold of her tongue.

Octavia scoffed and uttered "See? Coward. Did you really think that you can just bury your mistake because Clarke took you back? You left her Lexa, you left her when she loved you the most and we all know that you loved her back too. The least you could've done was explain to her why you had the strength to break her heart when all that Clarke had was devotion to you. Did you both really think that you can be friends without closure?"

Lexa's tears started to fall as Octavia's words slashed her to pieces, Clarke ambled towards the chair and sat herself down, breath shuddering as each tears came. Octavia was right, they didn't want to deal with their issue and went straight to being acquainted again, hoping that it wouldn't bite them back.

"You wanna know what happened to Clarke that made her stay in the hospital for months?" Octavia pressed on, as if intending to wound Lexa more.

"Octavia please." The blonde pleaded with her friend to stop, throat strained from sobbing.

Lexa's face scrunched in sadness and shock as she looked at the blonde in question. "Clarke?" The name left her mouth in a feeble sound. The blonde held her gaze, both of their despair meeting in the middle.

Octavia had calmed her voice now, but her glare at the brunette was still at full force.

"She barely ate since the day you run away from her, her grades suffered and she couldn't draw anything."

Clarke covered her face with her hands as her elbows rested on her knees, her crying stronger than before. Hope was not in that box after all.

"On her first year back here, Clarke was still so in love with you that no other person could fill what you left.... She got hit by car coz she crossed the street without looking because she saw you. She wanted to see you so badly that she didn't even think.

Oxygen was difficult to take in now as Lexa's breathing got harder as her tears became uncontrollable, but what Octavia said next was what made her break down.

"We feared that we lost her, her injuries were to extensive that we thought she'd never walk again after the surgery." Octavia had to pause, for the memory was making her eyes misty and her voice quiver. "When Clarke finally did open her eyes...the first person she asked for was you. She didn't need to say that she was waiting for you to walk through the door, her eyes said it all. She was so blinded that she was ready to forgive you in a heartbeat."

Lexa covered her mouth as if to stifle her loud sobs, dejection raining down on her as her body shook from all the crying. Clarke wasn't doing too good either, her tears just fell with no effort at all, as if all the years of pent up misery and vexation clawed their way out.

"The least you could do now is give her that explanation Lexa. Stop being a coward, it's either you loved her or you still love her." Octavia said as she prepared for her exit.

She turned the knob and before walking out, she called the brunette's attention and said "Coz even near death, Clarke would still love you."

The closing of the door and their crying filled the once hushed apartment. All the guilt tore Lexa as the realization skinned Clarke. Years of evasion and pretense lead up to this moment and it was just too tiresome. The rain fell along with their tears, if it was heaven comforting them or dooming them, they never noticed.

Lexa didn't even bother to wipe her tears as she got up and made her way towards Clarke and knelt in front of her "Clarke...god I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." The brunette apologized as her hands held the blonde's as blue eyes focused on her. "I didn't know...If I had I would've-Clarke, I'm so sorry."

Clarke just looked at her, lips quivered and shoulders heaved as she continued crying. Lexa couldn't take the silence from the girl anymore that she laid her head on the blonde's lap and wailed, soaking the girl's pants. Clarke tore her other hand away and placed it on the brunette's hair, threading her fingers through it, Lexa holding her other hand tighter in return.

"I promised myself I wouldn't cry over you anymore...and here we are." The blonde tried to humor as Lexa's body wrecked with guilt. Fresh tears pooled in her blue eyes as her voice wavered "I just became too tired of hating you, Lexa. "

The brunette lifted he head and looked at Clarke once more, ready for whatever the blonde would lash her with.

"If you still can't give me an explanation, then that's up to you. Octavia had always been right, I deserve so much better, but you were all that I had known. It had always been you. I would've accepted your rejection if you didn't love me back...but you did Lex...you did and I felt it."

"I did Clarke...I still do...god I still do." Lexa uttered, every word laced with emotion, as if she was trying to convince the blonde.

Clarke's heart swelled hearing that it was a requited love after all, but the way her stomach dropped reminded her that this was not the time to be blind.

"Clarke...I was just so scared...I'm so sorry, oh god.I don't deserve anything from you, all that you went through because of me....I don't deserve anything, especially not your forgiveness, but please hear me out.

"That's all I ever wanted Lex....for you to be brave. But I can't promise anything after this,I'm sorry." Clarke delivered as her tears cascaded, crushing her own heart in the process.

Lexa's heart sunk at the confession, she searched the blonde's eyes and found nothing but determination. So she pushed aside her longing to be with Clarke to finally give the girl what she deserves.

"Her name was Costia..."

TBC


	8. we met only to part again

"Her name was Costia...and she was mine." Lexa uttered, her throat constricting as the unpleasant memory came rushing back. "We were together for 2 years and when we were nearing high school graduation, she ended things." 

Clarke gave her the sympathetic look, nodding in understanding as the brunette laid it all. 

"She was going away for college and said that she couldn't see us doing the long distance option. I tried really hard to make her see that we were worth it but she never budged. I spent days sending messages and calls that never got answered." 

Lexa was crying her heart out now, her hold on the blonde's hand wavering as her breathing became even more erratic. 

"She didn't even look at me at our graduation. I couldn't find any reason to continue going college but I persisted coz I was all that I had...and then I met you Clarke. You were unexpected and so wonderful that I welcomed new days again. I lived because of you....I just got really scared that we'd end up the same."

Clarke took a shuddering breath and replied "But I'm not Costia, I never was."

The brunette's tears streamed arduously for the past that she could never get back. Clarke's lips were chattering as she tried to suppress the upcoming wail exploding in her system. 

"I'm so sorry." The apology left Lexa's mouth, weaker than her beaten state.

"You should've trusted me. Three years Lex, we spent three years together...I was ready to wait for you but you didn't give me any chance. You broke my heart before you even had the chance to own it. I fought for you but you raised the white flag.

All that Lexa could do was accept each bleak words that left Clarke's mouth. Her eyes were crimson red, clouding her vision, but not enough to shroud her from the truth. 

"You could've talked to me about her and I would've understand, you know that. Wasn't that our thing? We tell each other the heavy stuff just like we've always done.You were scared but so was I Lex." 

"Clarke..." Lexa meekly said again, as her chest heaved from the burn of her predicament.

"I was scared but I chose to be brave for you because you were worth it. You made me so happy that I forgot about the bad things, that I drew more than I could've imagined possible and I loved more than I thought I was capable."

Numbness flowed in Lexa but she felt everything. Every bitter taste of her mistakes, the painful "what if's" and the fact that Clarke even had the kindness to explain her side. 

"You should've trusted me..."

"I know..."

"You gave up on us before we could even try."

Lexa peered up and sat herself straight as if to convey how earnest she was "Clarke...I was not my best with you, I see that now, but if it's not too late...please...let me try again...please Clarke...."

Clarke slowly shook her head as her tears cascaded, blurring Lexa's image "You had always been the best with me...that's what you never understood. I love you Lexa and I will always love you....but I can't be your girl anymore."

Her hold on the brunette's hand slipped until they were not joined anymore. The hope that Lexa planted, withered before it could even grow. The rain that battered the world came to a halt as soon as she wasn't given another chance.

"We said friends....let's stick to that."

So this is why the universe brought them together for the second time....just so they could love once more and be separated again. Lexa didn't argue as silence spoke, they gazed at each other as if it would fill the space for apologies that will never be enough. She slowly got up and braced her arms around herself as she took a step back.

"You don't want me anymore...I understand. I'm so sorry again."

The brunette said, as she tried to calm herself for the inevitable breaking. Each word gutted her and the pain was bleeding her dry.

Clarke wanted nothing more than to embrace the girl she once saw destiny in. But she knew that it would only shatter their already broken hearts. To make them bask in one last comfort while the end waited. She fisted her hands sternly to shake away the desire to give in, but her eyes told another story.

"Thank you for everything Clarke...I apologize again...goodbye." Lexa was brave enough this time to look the other girl in the eyes this time, giving her the last smile that she could muster before walking out the door.

As soon as the brunette was replaced with the haunting in the room, Clarke broke down and surrendered to melancholy. She didn't care that she could barely breathe, she knew that she would drown if she didn't let it out. Her feet carried her to the bedroom where the pillows got soaked and the sheets crumpled as wails roamed the room. So this is what being dead feels like.

The hot drops of water landed on Lexa's skin, creating red blotches on its entirety...but she felt that her tears were hotter. She felt so defeated and so small that her clothes became too constricting that she had to take them off. That's how she ended up in the solace of her shower, thoughts of how she messed up so badly filling her head and pounding her heart. She didn't know how she would get up tomorrow or how she'd even get out of this solitude....but there's one constant thing she knew. 

It's over.

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The moths passed without them hearing from each other, it wasn't pride that hindered them...it was selflessness. Lexa was selfless enough to let go of what could've been hers and Clarke was selfless for choosing her sake over her eradication. They still got up to do their jobs, telling themselves that it's what the other would've wanted. But the blank sheet of paper and the untouched canvass held the emptiness that they harbored.

Clarke still found herself looking for the other girl whenever she's in private, every curly hair and green eyes was enough to make her stare. Her art that Lexa gave back remained untouched on the coffee table, but they shot her memories of that night whenever she laid focus on them. Sometimes she could stand it, reminding herself that it was for the best...sometimes, she crumbles.

Lexa couldn't look at the sky without being reminded of the blonde, she found the importance of sunglasses this way. She resorted back to microwavable foods and sometimes take outs....the sound of knife on cutting boards became too much too bare. The art museums were avoided as well coz the first time she stepped inside...she didn't see paintings....she saw Clarke.

They struggled, conquered, and bared until one day....one relented. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The low light seeped into the glass windows of Dante's office, indicating that night was not far behind. The comfortable tranquility surrounded Clarke as she sat on the chair while waiting for her boss. She had another interview in store, currently unaware of who she'd be talking to next, thus the reason why she occupied the office of the old man. She prayed that it would be Lexa, considering how welcomed their first one turned out to be. It wasn't only the success that she thought of though, 99% of it was Lexa. She missed her more than she thought....crippling her some days. The only thing that kept her from knocking on the girl's door is her belief that she'll see her again.

The opening of the door and the footsteps snapped the blonde out of her state, she expected green eyes as soon as she got up and turned around but when she did...it was brown. The girl who was walking beside Dante was blonde with brown eyes and it just felt wrong. Clarke felt panic rising in her system, the room was spinning as the questions flooded all at once, did Lexa not want to see her anymore? Even with professionalism, was it too much for her? What if something bad happened?

Dante's voice broke and Clarke felt grounded for a little bit "Ms. Griffin, I would like to introduce you to Ms. Echo Frost, she'd be the one interviewing you this time." The old man gestured to them as a smile formed on his face.

The first words that left the blonde's mouth weren't greetings but a question "Where's Lexa?"

Awkwardness filled the room as Dante gave her a questioning look while Echo found the floor interesting. Clarke suddenly became aware of her unintentional rudeness and immediately apologized "I'm so sorry, it's very nice to meet you Echo, I'm confident that you're very good at your job, I meant no offense, truly." She blurted out, sincerity with each word. "I was just wondering why Lexa didn't take this one."

Echo pursed her lips before replying "Ms. Woods quit a week ago Ms. Griffin." 

"I was shock to hear the news from Luna when I asked for her, such a loss." Dante added, looking saddened at Lexa's departure.

"We were as well, but we didn't pry. We're hoping that whatever she decides from here, it'll be a good one." Echo finished while looking at the blonde.

Suddenly, all the hopes of seeing the brunette again abandoned Clarke. She thought that the girl only walked out of her door...she didn't expect that it would be out of her life as well. She gripped the back of the chair to steady herself, the realization of parting with Lexa pulling her more than gravity. She felt tears springing in her eyes and she had to bite her cheek to stop them from falling. 

Echo must've sensed her distressed so that girl offered "I assure you that I do a decent job Ms. Griffin, not as good as Lexa, but I'm thorough." she joked, hoping to relieve the tension in the room.

"I'm sure everyone in your company is capable Ms.Frost." Dante said and gave the girl a reassuring smile "So what do you say Ms. Griffin?" 

All that Clarke wanted was to dash out of there and see if Lexa was still in town. Her nerves firing, adrenaline rushing and heart shouting for her to bolt out of the door. But she didn't wanna jeopardize what was in front of her for something that could be long gone by now, so she agreed. 

As soon as everything was settled, she made her way to Lexa, all the while praying that it wasn't too late.

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"Are you sure this is what you want Lexa? I know it has been a week, but I still can't believe it." 

Luna said through the phone as Lexa paced back and forth in her apartment, sorting things that she needed to pack.

"Yes Mrs. River, I do apologize for the inconvenience that this has caused, but I do hope that you understand."

"I do dear, I do. I'm not trying to make you stay just because you bring in money ok? You're one of the best journalist I've seen in years, talent simply unmatched, so I just hope that this decision will do you good."

"I've thought about it ma'am, over and over and I'm sure that I need this."

"Alright, I just want to let you know that if you ever decide to come back, there would always be a place for you here."

"Thank you so much ma'am, for the opportunity to work for you and for the offer."

When all was said and done, Lexa sat on the couch and reevaluated everything. A week ago, Costia made her presence felt by contacting Lexa's cousin, Anya. Being the protective cousin that she was, Anya interrogated the other girl by holding back anything about Lexa. Costia pleaded but Anya wasn't moved and she informed the brunette the following day of the encounter. 

"Did she leave a number?" Lexa asked as they sat in her kitchen, Anya nursing her whiskey.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Anya pointedly asked, giving her cousin a glare.

"I'm not going back to her An."

"Then why would you ask that?"

"I just don't want anything left unfinished in my life now."

"Your story finished the day she left you."

"That's her ending....I want mine." 

Anya sighed and took the brunette's hand in hers "Lexa, you love hard...and Costia...she was your greatest, I know it's tempting but please remember what she did to you." 

"Exactly An, she was my greatest." Lexa replied, putting emphasize on the word "was"

Anya searched the green eyes and knew that her cousin was telling the truth. "Alright, I trust you kid...come back when you can ok?" She added as she gave her hand a squeeze, a small smile gracing her face.

"I will, take care of the place while I'm gone." Lexa replied, giving a smile back.

The other girl gave a nod and understanding took over. 

"If she screws you over again, I'm kicking both of your asses." Anya jabbed as she stood up, threw the crumpled paper which had Costia's number on it to Lexa and refilled her drink. 

"Make sure I learn this time then." Lexa quipped while unfolding the paper, earning a chuckle from the other girl.

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What started out as hello from Costia and Lexa, ended with a goodbye. Lexa was brave enough for closure when Costia wanted another chance. If she had taken her back, it would only be because of the bed that was suddenly too big and the days that were too bleak. She wasn't that person anymore, she was learning.

She thought she'd feel butterflies again with her, but there was just a familiarity, not at all unwelcomed, but not comforting either. 

Costia was respectful enough of her decision and Lexa couldn't be more thankful. The falling of the leaves from the park giving her a sign that a new beginning was soon to come. But one thing remained true....Clarke is her greatest.

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Slender fingers threaded through her curly locks as she prepared herself for her packing, she was on her way to the bedroom when there was a desperate knock on her door. When Lexa opened it...she wasn't ready to say goodbye after all.

Blue eyes with unshed tears bore through her as she stared back. Clarke was breathing heavily as her chest heaved, Lexa made the conclusion that the blonde was in a hurry. She was fiddling with her hands, as if she wanted to say something, her mouth opening and closing as the minutes passed.

This is the first time they saw each other since that night and every emotion that they've caged were suddenly rattling it. 

"When do you leave?"

Clarke was the first to break the silence, there were no greetings needed...they didn't have time. 

"Tomorrow." Lexa replied as tears started to pool in her green eyes as well.

She could see the blonde ravaging her thoughts for a reply and the one she chose gave Lexa relief and sadness at the same time. 

"Do you need help packing?" 

The brunette killed the idea of Clarke asking her stay before it could turn into a disappointment. Lexa nodded, stepped aside and answered "Yes."

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Silence accompanied the two as they worked, passing each other as they went from room to room. Every item that Clarke placed inside the girl's case felt like she was giving away a piece of Lexa.

When they found themselves in the bedroom, Lexa was at the closet and she had to turn her back while she worked, seeing the blonde would only make her waver. Clarke, situated near the dresser, faced the other way too, this was already too much. 

When the hush became consuming...the blonde cut through it. "Where are you going?"

"Paris." Lexa answered, clearing her throat coz she found it hard to swallow. 

"That's nice..." Clarke replied, momentarily composing herself for the next question "When will you be back?"

"I'm not sure I'm coming back, to Polis at least." 

The answer made the blonde halt in her job and slowly turned herself "Oh."

"Yeah."

"Can I take you to the airport?"

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why not?"

Lexa took a deep breathe and turned to face her as well, a faint smile on her face "Because I wouldn't be able to get on that plane if you do."

That was all it took for Clarke's tears to fall again and again "Is this because of what happened to us? Of me?" 

Lexa immediately hurried to the blonde's side and gave her reassurance "Clarke, listen to me please? I wasn't the best person with you back then and you made your decision based on what was best for you now. I respect that greatly Clarke, do you understand?" 

The blonde turned her head and their faces only inches away from each other "I didn't expect you'd leave. I'm sorry for all the things I said-"

Before Clarke could finish, Lexa gently cupped her face and ran the pad of her thumb on those flush cheeks, wiping the tears away "I'm leaving because I'm doing what's best for me now. I think I'll grow from this, so please don't blame yourself. This is not your fault Clarke...it never will be."

Clarke didn't say anything in retort, their lips locking said it all.

"One last time." The blonde whispered against Lexa's lips and the brunette found herself nodding in return. 

The packing was set aside as they shed each other's clothing, the bed creaked and sheets were hassled as they moaned and whimpered each others name. They held on to each other as the passion in their love making took over. Lexa intertwined their right hands together as they glided their centers together, the pleasure becoming too intense as Clarke held her gaze.

The blonde kissed and licked her way down the brunette's back as they continued for the second time. 

Lexa nipped and sucked on the girl's neck as she took her from behind. 

The one last time turned to three and they discovered that they were both liars in the name of love.

"Don't wake me up when you leave." Clarke whispered in the darkness that hid them from the awakening of the day.

"I promise." Lexa replied as they fell to slumber, longing already in their bones.

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The dawn was setting when Lexa slowly got up with the intention of finishing her work, she was about to leave the bed when Clarke's dejected voice pervaded the room.

"Don't go....please don't go." 

Lexa had to close her eyes as she felt her heart shatter all over again from the blonde's plea. She inched closer to Clarke and laid beside the girl "I need to, I'm so sorry.

Clarke didn't even pretend to not hurt this time, she cried and cried as the brunette held her close, crying with her as well.

"Lex?" The blonde asked, voice muffled on Lexa's shoulder.

"Yes?"

"My drawing that you forgot to bring...can I have it?" 

Lexa pulled away from the embrace, wiped Clarke's tears away and said "I don't want you to hurt anymore Clarke. Seeing that drawing everyday would only make you remember." 

"I don't wanna forget either."

The brunette agreed and searched her drawer for the drawing and handed it to Clarke. The blonde gently took the paper and clutched the art on her chest and turned away from her as sobs wrecked her body. 

Lexa took the moment of weakness and spooned Clarke as she confessed " I love you Clarke...I always will."

As soon as the day broke...Lexa kept her promise.

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Lexa took the window seat as she was carried away, her heart was left behind though. 

Clarke made paper planes and made them fly, filling her apartment as her drawing of Lexa rested next to her cup. 

One in the sky and one in the ground....both in different places but asked the same question "Will me meet again?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> time skip next chapter :)


	9. Better when we're older

The mellow engines of vehicles charged the street of Rue Mabillon. Gentle sunlight illuminated the place as the feather streaks clouds blocked most parts of the sun. This is where Lexa found herself dining at La Petite Cour under an orange umbrella where she was drinking the last ounce of her wine. Waiters and waitresses went from table to table, serving hungry customers and the potted plants with blooming flowers added to the beauty of the place.

Lexa realized the magic of trust funds this way. She savored every drop of her drink for it did not come cheap and the lobster with ravioli before was eaten with every taste bud in attention. Lexa learned to pamper herself as she went back and forth from San Diego to Paris, although the lecture from Anya served their purpose too.

She was determined to re-learn the French language in her first year, and with undying determination, she did it with ease. Bake shops were stopped over where Lexa treated herself to the most delicate yet mouth watering pastries. She wrote on her journal as she ate, nothing like capturing the moment as you live in it. On her way home, she never forgot to buy a bundle of peonies, they colored her apartment as they started to bloom with each passing day.

No lovers occupied her bed even in her second year, she didn't go away for that. If the ache in her core became to much, she took care of it herself. This trip was about healing and finding herself, it doesn't necessarily mean the want of another's body heat though. If men and women showed interest, she politely declined. Still, blonde hair and blue eyes were all that filled her mind when orgasm rippled through her body.

The brunette visited landmarks as well, she awed at them more than she took pictures. One day she was brave enough to see the Louvre, and when she went inside, she still saw Clarke...but this time, it didn't hurt anymore. Each stroke on the paintings made her recall the movement's of the blonde's hands whenever they'd spend weekends together. Years from now, she wondered if Clarke would be in here too.

As Paris seeped into her bones, she befriended her neighbor, an old woman named Alison who wrote short stories. They had this hobby of exchanging works, papers after papers would be slipped in the space under the door and compliments would be exchanged as they drank tea in the lady's balcony.

The one time she wrote about Clarke...the old woman immediately knew.

"You love her don't you?"

The brunette scrunched her brows, curiosity evident on her face "How did you know? I never even mentioned it there."

Ali smiled at the young girl and sighed "Dear, you don't need to write those three words to show love."

Lexa thought back on their college days where neither of them uttered that word yet it was still shown. It's not how much you say it,it's how much you show it.

"Just listen to the way you describe her eyes, if you weren't in love with her you would've been contented with just the color blue...but you wrote more than that. Her beauty that made heads turn, how would you have known it if you weren't mesmerized too? "

The brunette tried to hide her flushed cheeks, the way the older woman was reading her made her feel like a schoolgirl with a crush.

"I like this Clarke Griffin."

"She's really kind, I have no doubt you'd get along."

"Maybe you can take her here sometime?"

"I don't think so."

Ali sensed the dejection on Lexa's voice and the way her face turned crestfallen urged the woman to change the subject.

"I used to write about my love too, dear." Ali confessed, French thick in her accent as the tip of her cup was only inches from her lips.

"Why did you stop?" Lexa asked as she added sugar to her tea.

A smile broke out of the lady's face, her focus evident on the past "Because we parted ways before we even got the chance to be together."

Lexa felt a familiar sting in her heart as she realized that they were in the same situation. Her throat refused to accept the swallow that she attempted to make, as if it was urging her to retort. She took a breath and asked in a weak tone.

"Oh....should I stop too?"

The woman patted her hand and smiled "Alexandria, I stopped because my Farrin died before he could even read them. I was writing to a ghost. But this Clarke of yours, she is still alive isn't she?"

"Yes, but she's not mine."

"Is she someone else's then?"

"I'm not sure, I haven't talk to her in years. I only get updates about her work from my old boss."

"Then there's only one way to find out."

"You're saying that I should go home?"

Ali beamed and squeezed her hand "Isn't that where your heart is?"

Lexa smiled in return, every cell in her body telling her that it was the right thing to do. But another set of dread washed over her as soon as she was faced with the question "What if her heart isn't though?"

The woman gave her a sympathetic smile and kind eyes as she said "Then you let go of what is no longer yours and live."

"Can I come back here just in case?"

"You have your passport don't you?" Ali joked, earning a chuckle from the brunette.

"I'll miss you Ali. I can't thank you enough for the stories you shared with me."

"I'll miss you too Alexandria, I'm grateful for your youthful eyes that have read my works. Say hello to Clarke for me."

"I will."

They exchanged smiles once more and drank their tea that had gone cold...but the fire in Lexa's heart was only getting hotter.

The laughter of children broke her out of her thoughts. Green eyes wandered from the glass in her hand to the watch on her wrist, its ticking reminded her that in 11 hours, after 3 years...she'd walk in Polis again.

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"Wakey wakey...." Clarke said as she tried to coax 5 year old Aiden out of his slumber. His pajama poking out of the sheet.

The little body tried writhe out of the blonde's hug as his voice, strained with sleep answered "Don't wanna."

Clarke smiled at the little protester, Aiden was a good kid, just a little handful in the morning "I have dinosaur shaped pancakes" she whispered as if there were others in the room.

Aiden pulled his blanket off of his head so quick at the mention of dino shaped pancakes. He scrambled off the bed and pulled a laughing Clarke out of the room and into the kitchen.

Octavia was already at the table, munching away her breakfast when the two arrived. She held out her hand in a high five as soon as Aiden was near. The little guy smacked O's hand with all his might that even the adult had to wince.

"Can I watch TV real quick pleaseeeeeee mama?" The boy pleaded as she stacked his plate with pancakes while Clarke poured the syrup.

"Alright but only for 10 minutes, you still have school buddy and I have a mural to finish." The blonde replied, sitting herself down as she poked the boy's nose.

"Thank you!" Aiden voiced out as he carried his breakfast while trotting to the living room.

"He's growing up so fast." Octavia said as she smiled in awe at the image of the little boy walking away "His highfive's hurt too."

"It's all that beets mom makes him eat." Clarke said, her face scrunched in disgust.

"And the vitamins you never forget to make him take."

"You make it sound like it's bad thing."

"You make beets sound bad."

"They are! I don't even know why Lexa loved them so much."

At the mention of the brunette's name, silence walked in the room. She didn't mean to bring her up, Lexa just never left her mind since that day she went away. Octavia fiddled with her spoon as Clarke tried to compose herself, hoping to clear the sudden awkwardness.

"I shouldn't have meddled with you guys back then." The brunette said, head low in shame for what happened that night "Maybe then, Lexa would've never-"

"O, listen to me." Clarke cut her off as she grabbed the girl's hand "You did what you think was right for me, for us. Yes, you may have been too intense, but you were so angry, and sometimes when we're angry, our actions and words couldn't be controlled. But O, you had the best intention, please believe me. I don't resent you in any way."

"I did Clarke, truly....but you lost her after."

Clarke fought the tears that were attempting to sadden her again and said "I didn't lose Lexa, she did what was best for her just as I had chose what was best for me."

"By not giving her another chance?"

"Back then, that was what I needed, a time for myself and to heal. But honestly O, if she walks through that door right now, I'd take her back in a heartbeat."

"You really miss her huh?"

"I haven't seen the girl in three years, the only way I ever found out that she was still breathing was through Luna."

"Let's say she came home today, how much would you bet that you wouldn't jump in her arms at first sight?"

"Look, I still have to be poised ok? Lexa could be in a relationship, I don't wanna ruin that."

Octavia gave her a look of disbelief and rolled her eyes.

"What?"

"You honestly think she'd get over you that quickly?"

"It's been 3 years O."

"Yes, and there was 5 years before that but you were still in love with each other."

Clarke looked at her friend as if she was a beacon of hope. The pitter patter of her heart said that Octavia had a point, all those years apart only made them love each other more....what's three years to five?

"Look, I can't believe I'm saying this, and this is not out of pity, but Clarke...you were at your happiest with her. I'm sure Lexa has grown in the time that passed as you had. You've already settled what once destroyed you, so I don't have anything to worry about anymore."

The blonde smiled at how supportive her friend was being, a fading image of the once feisty brunette was replaced with the more understanding person sitting at her table right now.

"What if she already has someone though?"

Octavia didn't miss the forlorn in her friend's voice, she scooted closer to the blonde and pulled her in a side embrace and said "Then at least you can say that you loved and was loved in return. You tried Clarke, you tried and you endured more than anyone I've ever known."

"Thank you, O."

"And maybe you can finally go abroad, take a vacay or something."

"You know why I never left....I didn't wanna miss her just in case she decided to come back."

"See? This is why you're easy to love Clarke...this is why."

Clarke found comfort in those words and she basked in them before Aiden announced that he was ready for a bath.

"Mama! I'm done with the dino's! Bath time! Bath time!" The boy danced around as he sang the words over and over.

The two adults laughed, Clarke got up, faced Octavia and said "Let's pray that the next plane that lands has Lexa in it."

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Childish voices pervaded the school area and parents ambling with their little ones filled the space of the school grounds. Clarke was walking with Aiden in one hand and her art supplies in the other. She volunteered to paint three blank walls separating the playground and the street just so the once bland wall could be filled with colors that would surely entertain the little ones.

She painted superheroes which awed the children, they spent the majority of their time pretending to fly on the swings. Aiden's favorite was Green Lantern and he wailed his happiness and run all through out the blonde's apartment when Clarke brought her a Green Lantern ring.

Maya, the head teacher couldn't be more happy with Clarke's generosity and the same heartfelt gratitude were expressed by the other parents.

Painting for the kids is what got her through in the longing days without the girl. At first she thought that it would just be another distraction, but when she saw the happiness in the children's eyes, it was no longer just a job. It made her happy and healed her in ways she never thought possible. Every stroke that she made brought that Clarke that didn't make art just for the higher ups, it made her less anxious whether it would be pleasing enough.

Sometimes, in the privacy of her room, Lexa would fill the page. She wondered how the girl looked like now, three years must've changed a lot...hopefully, not her heart.

This is how she found herself, one earplug in the ear as her hands made their magic. She was on the final lining of the pencil when the ring of the bell broke, indicating that recess has come. Giggling kids busted through the door and made their way to their parents in the waiting area, Aiden not far behind.

"Aunt O is coming by later right Ma?" The little one asked as he sat beside the blonde and chewed his sandwich.

"Yup." Clarke answered as she ran her hand through his hair "After school is done, she's bringing your favorite macaroons."

"That's coz she lost in our bet." Aiden giggled and slurped his juice.

"Aiden, when it comes to puppies, auntie O can never resist." The blonde answered as she remembered the brunette's face scrunched in pain as she tried so hard to restrain herself from touching the pup.

"I think she's gonna be grumpy if the line is long again."

"Nah, aunt O has became more of a patient person.... I think."

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"Fuck this line." Octavia lowly grumbled as she peered from her side.

The bakery was busier than usual, people frequented the place for the accommodating staff and the delicious food. If Octavia was a people person, she would've welcomed the friendly scene but an incident at her office caused her mood to drop lower than her patience.

"Do this for Aiden O, do this for Aiden."

The brunette was sulking, feeling that the line wasn't moving at all. She tried everything to entertain herself, curse that headphone that was left in her drawer. People of every age came and went, carrying bags of the goods they've brought. Her eyes followed the ones who were going out and as they landed on the door...Octavia almost had a heart attack.

Lexa stood with her hands inside her coat, her hair held the blonde streaks that screamed change. She allowed herself to take in the aura of the place as a small smile graced her face. Octavia was so dumbfounded, they talked about the girl coming back just hours ago and now she's really here in Polis. She didn't whether to run to Lexa or call Clarke first. Were they really ready to see each other though?

A tap on her shoulder shook Octavia out of her thoughts, the woman behind her said that the line was moving. Octavia prayed forgiveness to Aiden as she walked out of her spot, this would be better than macaroons.

Green eyes widened as soon as they landed on the approaching brunette. Lexa didn't know if Octavia was still pissed or that if time had mellowed the girl somehow. She decided that she wasn't gonna run away, that's not who she was anymore. She stood her ground, wore a serious expression, tongue ready to reason with the girl but what Octavia said next surprised her that she had to doubt if she whether she was really in Polis. She moved herself aside to give room to the other customers.

"Lexa, welcome back." Octavia greeted with a nod.

The brunette couldn't find the words to retort, for sure the other girl still resented her for what happened back then but this was something new.

"O, hey, thank you." Lexa uttered as she gave a nod in return.

The tension was drowned by the chatter of people that surrounded them. Octavia cleared her throat as Lexa pursed her lips, clearly out of words to deliver.

"How was Paris?"

"It was good, thank you for asking."

"Are you always that formal?"

"I'm not really sure how to talk to you, the last time we saw each other wasn't the best so..."

"I know, and I apologize for that."

"What?"

"I'm apologizing Lexa. I'm not sure that this bakery is the best place to say my sorry but I'm not sure when I'd see you again so I'm just gonna take this time."

"O, it's ok, you were doing what any friend would do."

"I had my reasons, but storming on the two of you like that wasn't the most respectful move."

"But it did get us to where we are now, so all is well don't you think?"

Octavia saw the logic in Lexa's words and when they sunk in, a smile formed in her face, making the other girl smile as well.

"I like you a lot better now, Woods."

"I think I'm off your radar then?"

"Yes you are. It was nice running into you again, or approaching you. I gotta get back, Clarke needs the macaroons." Octavia said as she gestured behind her with her hands.

Lexa felt her heart skip a beat at the mention of the girl's name. She hasn't heard that name in years and Octavia just gave her that relief. She searched for the words to say, the need in her bones to ask about the blonde became too intense to ignore. She wondered if Clarke asked for her too.

"Clarke...umm, how is she?"

The smirk Octavia gave told Lexa that everything was well, but it was nothing to the offer that came next.

"Why don't you find out?"

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The soft breeze caressed Clarke's face, bringing tendrils of hair to sway in its direction. She was waiting for the bell to ring, only 5 minutes left until the little ones are free for the day. She jumbled the things needed to do tomorrow when she felt a light tap on her shoulder.

"O, finally." The blonde said slowly turning in her seat "I hope the macs are still-"

Her words were halted by the person standing in front of her. Brown hair with blonde streaks, plump lips that shimmered with the rays of the sun and those green eyes that she saw forever in. This meeting was even better than her dreams, she didn't even care if she was breathing or not...Lexa always took her breath away. If this was what three years of waiting came to, then it was all worth it.

A minute passed and Clarke was still in disbelief as Lexa was stunned at how beautiful the blonde remained to be, even with her hair tousled from the wind. She could feel her palms sweating as her heartbeat rivaled with the sound of parent's chattering. She cleared her throat as she decided to break the silence.

"Umm, Octavia and I ran into each other at the bakery and she asked me for a favor to bring you these coz she said that something came up so she gave me directions, and uh, I also brought eclairs just in case you wanted one coz you used to order them back then and I'm sorry if this is so sudden....uh, hi."

Lexa was so nervous, Clarke's silence was making her stomach churn, her body so heavy and she was about to apologize again when she was suddenly wrapped in the blonde's embrace. In the three years that passed, Clarke still felt like home. Her body unconsciously surrendered to the warmth that the girl was giving, her face on the crook of the blonde's neck, smelling peppermint and strawberry.

"Lexa." Clarke whispered, the tone in her voice indicated that she was in tears.

"Clarke." She whispered back, tears coating her eyelashes.

The hug was laced in solace that neither needed any more words, the tightness in their embrace already told just how much they've missed each other. They were lost in their own world that the sound of the bell became unheard. It wasn't until Aiden called Clarke's attention that the two separated.

"Mama?"

Upon hearing the word "mama" Lexa's heart scuppered. She looked at the boy staring at them, blonde hair just like Clarke's... in her excitement, she didn't even reconsider the fact that Clarke might've been married.

"Oh...you have a kid." The brunette said as she placed a small space between them.

Clarke felt panic rising in her throat, she didn't know where to start. Aiden moved closer and hugged her side as she looked at Lexa, curiosity in his eyes.

"No Lex, let me explain." The blonde rushed out, placing her hand on the girl's arm, trying really hard to convey her sincerity. "Aiden is not my kid."

Lexa's brows scrunched as her brain processed the information "You stole a kid? Clarke....."

"No you idiot! Just....can we please get out of here so that I can explain it to you better?" Clarke offered, eyes pleading for the brunette to agree.

"Ok...Aiden?" Lexa crouched to the boy's level, smiled at him and said "I'm Lexa, a friend of Clarke's, it's very nice to meet you."

Aiden stuck his little hand out to the brunette and replied "I'm Aiden, Clarke's brother. It's nice to meet you too."

Lexa felt great relief as the words resonated in her ear, she shook his hand, gave him a last smile and they went on their way after that, carrying the warm macs and eclairs.

"Abby had another kid?" Lexa whispered as they were making their way to the blonde's apartment. Aiden on one side and her in the other "Wow...I mean congrats."

"Lexa, you've only returned and I already hate you. Welcome back by the way." Clarke smiled as she turned to face the brunette.

"I'm glad to be back." She smiled and hoped that this is the new beginning they've been waiting for.

"Mama, where's aunt O?"

"Probably petting puppies by now."

"She did approach one when we parted ways."

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As soon as the blonde opened the door, Aiden took Lexa's hand and dragged her to the wall where his drawings were plastered. He was babbling non-stop and the brunette chuckled along. Clarke watched in amusement as the people she loves interacted. The little man told Lexa about how this dino defeated this other dino, how this turtle cooked for his family and his fish. Out of all the drawings that were plastered, Lexa's eyes remained glued to Aiden's portrait of Clarke. It wasn't far from what she made the blonde years ago... the identical artwork made her think that it's as if Aiden might as well been theirs.

When Clarke announced that it was time for snacks, Aiden made Lexa sit facing him as the blonde took the center seat in the dining table. He talked about school, his favorite dinosaurs and how good the blonde's cooking is.

"Can Lexa stay for dinner?" Aiden asked as he took a bite out of his macaroons.

Lexa's panic bubbled, she didn't want to pressure the blonde, kids are hard to say no to. She kept her eyes cast downwards as she waited for Clarke to say something.

"I was just about to ask her actually." Clarke answered, an earnest smile plastered on her face. "Lex? What do you say?"

The brunette couldn't help but smile back at just how accommodating the two were being, she felt her cheeks flushed at the invitation "I would love to."

Dinner consisted of cordon bleu, a glass of orange juice for Aiden and wine for the two adults. Lexa couldn't help but be proud at seeing how motherly Clarke was being, from the way she cut his food and refilled his glass. Their eyes would find each other from time to time as the kid talked and talked.

The whole setting felt so domestic that Lexa couldn't help but want to spend her days here before work resumed. A babbling Aiden and a laughing Clarke was one of the most beautiful moments she's ever seen.

Lexa waited on the couch, after taking care of the dishes as the blonde gave Aiden a bath. She texted her cousin Anya in the mean time, telling her that they could switch apartments now.

"Will Lexa sleep over?" Aiden asked as Clarke put his shirt over his head.

"I don't know bud, maybe she'd be busy the next day."

"Can I ask her to stay and maybe eat dinner again tomorrow?"

The blonde chuckled as she combed his hair "Why would you want that?"

Aiden poked Clarke's cheeks with his finger and said "Coz you smiled a lot today....it means that Lexa made you happy."

The warmth that seeped in her heart upon hearing Aiden's observation could rival the sun. She took the boy's hand and kissed each knuckle and replied "She does...she really does."

As the boy got settled, Clarke walked out of her room, approached the brunette and said "Lex?"

"Yes?" The brunette replied, standing up as she did.

"The little guy wants to say goodnight, would that be ok?"

Lexa smiled and made her way to Clarke's side "Of course."

She couldn't fight the warmth that flowed when she saw the stuffed lion that Aiden was clutching in his arms. It was the one she won for Clarke years ago, and the fact that she kept it made her really happy. She walked towards the bed and sat beside the boy as the blonde waited at the doorway "Someone wants to say goodnight I hear?"

Aiden smiled and brought the toy closer to Lexa "Mr. Fluff wants to and so do I."

"Well, I hope Mr. Fluff sleeps well." Lexa uttered as she gently ran her hands on the toy "And I hope little Aiden does too. Goodnight buddy." she added, running her thumb on the boy's cheek.

The little one gave her one last sleepy smile and said " Thank you for making mama smile today she was really happy...Goodnight Lexa." As soon as he turned to the other side, slumber cradled him.

Lexa took a moment to breathe as the words dawned on her...Clarke was happy. She wondered if she'll have the chance to continue treating the other girl like this.

Clarke was close to tears when she saw how Lexa adjusted the sheets so that Aiden would be covered and kissed his forehead before taking her exit.

God she's even more in love.

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The city lights glimmered in the distance as the call for sleep were answered by some and ignored by many. Clarke and Lexa found themselves talking about the origin of Aiden.

"So let me rephrase this..." Lexa said as they occupied the blonde's couch, wine glass in their hands "Your mom met Kane, who's Aiden's father 3 years ago at the hospital?"

"Yes." Clarke nodded in reply as she took a sip of her drink.

"His wife died in an accident when Aiden was a baby and when he saw Abby two years later, it was love at first sight?"

"Hmmmm more like a mutual understanding, the next thing I know, I was holding a 2 year old in my arms. Now the lovebirds are away on vacay and I have a week left before they return."

"Well you're doing a very good job."

"Thank you for the support."

"And he takes the bed?"

"Yup, and I take the couch."

"Wait, and he calls you Mama because?"

"He had difficulty speaking as he grew, so after work, I'd drop by Kane's house and I helped him as much as I could. His first word was mama and that's what he called me since. Believe me, I tried to convince him to call me sis, but nope, he won't budge."

"Drove away the suitors?" Lexa tried to humor but felt her throat constrict at the possibility that Clarke had others. She was thankful for the wine, for the dryness had become too much.

"Yeah, but I never wanted any of them." Clarke replied as her gaze turned thoughtful.

"I never had any either...." The brunette replied, eyes not wavering from the blue ones "I wanted to call Clarke...I really did, but I didn't wanna disrupt anything."

"And there's nothing wrong with that, you were only trying to be considerate, I understand. Were you happy there?"

"I learned to unwind, treated myself to things, and I met this old lady name Alison. We shared short stories." Lexa couldn't help but smile as the memories in Paris came rushing back.

"Yeah? What stories did you tell her?"

Lexa saw that there was no reason to lie anymore, since they weren't tangled with other people, it was time to be honest. What's there left to lose?

"Stories about the areas I've been too, the people there....I told her about you."

Clarke could tell that the brunette was anxious from her body language and the way she shifts in her seat. She gently took Lexa's hand and intertwined their fingers together.

"Does she like me?" She asked, her eyes bored into the green ones, playfulness in their hold.

Lexa managed to smile and answered "Yes she does, she says hello by the way.

"Well I haven't taken a vacation in three years so next year I can go to Paris and greet her personally." Clarke uttered and took a sip of her wine.

There was no invitation in the blonde's declaration and Lexa felt her heart deter a little "I can give you her address, she's lived in that apartment for years, I doubt she'll move."

"Come with me."

The sudden invite made the brunette snap her head as the blonde looked at her, it was like her ears were playing games with her.

"Pardon?"

Clarke rolled her eyes and replied "Lexa, Paris, you and me."

"Oh...I don't know-"

"I'll pay Lex, don't worry."

"No no! It's not about the money." Lexa rushed out, fearful that she might've offended the blonde.

"Then tell me." Clarke said with conviction.

Lexa straightened her position as her body fully shifted as it faced Clarke " I don't know where we stand right now, and if we go on this trip being vague, I think we might make mistakes again. I can't lose you for the second time."

Clarke felt the sincerity in the brunette's words, and the way her eyes water showed the blonde just how much Lexa had progressed. She wanted something real with her now and not just a closeted relationship.

"I don't want us to be a mistake Clarke."

The blonde inched closer to her, she soothed the brunette's nervousness by gently cupping her face, making the pout of the other girl slowly dissipate. Clarke gazed into her green eyes and with the voice of her heart, she said "Then let's try again."

"Clarke....are you sure?"

"We've already missed 8 years...I don't wanna waste another day."

Nothing could stop Lexa's tears from falling, Clarke just gave her the chance to mend their relationship and she felt that for once, the world was on her side. Her crying was coupled with chuckles that made the other girl chuckle as well.

"Clarke...I honestly don't know where to start." Lexa confessed as her heart kept leaping with joy.

The blonde placed the tendrils of hair behind the brunette's ear and replied "You did promise me a home cooked dinner three years ago...does that still stand?"

Lexa shook her head in agreement as another mixture of a sob and a laugh escaped her mouth "Yes...absolutely yes."

"Then maybe take me out on dates?"

"That wouldn't be a problem."

"And hopefully this time..." Clarke drawled out, taking Lexa's hand in hers again "We make it just in time for Paris."

Lexa beamed at her, small tears kissing her cheeks "I will be better this time, I promise. Thank you for trusting me."

"Thank you for being brave and coming back." Clarke replied and placed a soft kiss on the brunette's cheek.

Lexa pulled her into an embrace that marked their new start. The beating of their hearts synchronized, as neither of them wanted to let go. They weren't the people who played safe anymore...maybe this time, they'd finally have the chance to call it love.

"Aiden wanted to know if you'd be here for dinner tomorrow?" Clarke inquired as they pulled back from the hug.

Lexa smiled and crossed her heart "I wouldn't miss it for the world."

"Dork."

After the heartfelt reunion, Clarke asked Lexa to stay...and this time, she did.

The blonde allowed the girl to use the bathroom first as she searched for clothes for Lexa to borrow. The brunette looked so good in her garments that Clarke had to fight the heat in her core. She used the cold water in the shower as soon as she had her turn.

Lexa moved the coffee table from its spot as Clarke laid the foam on the floor for the brunette to sleep on. The time spent in the bathroom brushing their teeth consisted mostly of the blonde placing toothpaste bubbles on the other girl's face.

They talked a little bit more about everything and nothing...in the time that encompassed the two souls that met again, they fell asleep holding hands.

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Octavia Blake revived a text from Clarke the following day saying "Thank you for guiding her to me <3"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think i've given enough angst in the previous chapters :)


	10. Dear Clarke

The alarm that was originally set for 7 a.m turned to 6, the bed that was usually neat in the wake of morning remained unmade and the coffee pot that promised refreshment rarely got used since the day Clarke invited her for breakfast for Aiden's last week of stay. They only had 4 more days with the little guy and the brunette was determined to make the most of it.

The best part of waking up though was the no longer silent morning she was used to....Clarke was a whirlwind of thoughtful messages and she allowed herself to be taken.

Lexa, as promised by Luna, had her spot back in the company, she met new colleagues and her cubicle that was once painted white was now splashed with beige.

She found herself singing as she dribbled shampoo on her damp hair, Ed was her usual go to singer. The brushing of teeth wasn't spared either as she hummed and hummed love songs, all the words felt deeply with the thought of a certain blonde. Ever since her reunion with Clarke, Lexa just felt everything good in the world. The rays of sun that she used to shun was now welcomed, their warmth reminding her that she's alive, but they could never rival Clarke's.

On top of it all...she wrote with purpose again.

Every sentence that she made held meaning, not like those hollowed ones years ago. Yes, they earned her appraisals, she valued them, but they were nothing compared to what she had written before. She thought back on that letter she made in Paris that never got sent. The letter for Clarke that was created on the night where her longing made ink bled.

She wondered if giving it to the blonde would be such a good idea, or if leaving the paper in between stacks would be better.

Lexa placed the decision aside....for now.

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They had formed this routine where the brunette would come over for breakfast and drive the two to school. At the opening of the door, Aiden would run over and give her a hug while Clarke gives her a kiss on the cheek before resuming her cooking. Sometimes, Octavia comes over too, but there was no longer that tension that once balled them up with pressure. The air just screamed family and forgiveness and breakfast had never been better.

Friday came too soon, carrying the rush of air that clashed with the heat, gracing the city's people a little relief. Clarke and Lexa we're doing the dishes as little Aiden waited on the couch, watching tv, for his bedtime tuck. The blonde was in deep thought, meek through out the whole ordeal, they only had 2 days left before Aiden's departure. Lexa didn't miss the way the blonde's eyes would drop, sadness fluttering in her eyelashes. She thought of an activity that would make these last days memorable, and what could be better than a day on the beach?

"The beach." The brunette said as she passed Clarke the washed plate.

"What?" Clarke halted her drying of the ornament as she turned her attention to the girl.

Lexa pursed her lips before answering "I know we only have 2 more days left with the little guy, so I thought why not make them fun?"

The blonde smiled on the thought of Lexa having fun "Since when did you campaign for fun?"

"I went shopping too you know Clarke."

"Yeah...for candles."

"It was fun."

"For the sellers."

Lexa shot her a playful glare and when Clarke glared back, the brunette couldn't fight the smirk that pulled on her lips.

"Look, it's either we shop for candles or we go to the beach." Lexa huffed with a sigh as she continued her washing.

"You just wanna see me in my bikini." The blonde teased, a victorious grin plastered on her face.

The brunette, feeling courageous with the perfect retort, stepped closer until she could whisper "It's not like you wouldn't wanna see me in mine."

Clarke was so stunned that she couldn't form a coherent reply, leaving a laughing brunette at her side.

"Yes."

"Oh...so you do-"

"Yes to the beach...for Aiden."

"Ok Clarke."

"Lexa listen-"

"I said ok Clarke."

Clarke could only mumble her grumpiness, wiping the plates extra hard as the brunette maintained the smirk on her face, apparently winning the banter. After the chore was done they talked to the little boy about the beach trip and in a heartbeat, Aiden said yes...tomorrow couldn't come fast enough.

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"Sunblock?" Clarke asked, pretending to mark a make believe list.

"Check!"

"Shovel and buckets?"

"Check!"

"A little boy named Aiden?"

"Mama I'm here!" Aiden chuckled as he waved his hands for the blonde to see.

Clarke beamed at the little boy as they waited on the steps of her apartment building for Lexa. 5 minutes later, she saw the brunette's car approaching and told Aiden to put on his bag pack. Lexa greeted them with a smile as she got out of her vehicle. Blue eyes grazed her outfit, a white sundress that hugged the waist paired with black sandals. If Lexa already looks good covered, what about later then?

The blonde was shook out of her stupor when the brunette took hold of the bag she was carrying, she didn't miss the way green eyes roamed her body though. Wearing a short and a tank top was not a bad idea after all. They wanted to flirt with each other so bad but remembered that they were just starting again and that there was no need to rush things. The temptation to throw compliments was destroyed by their swallows.

The drive to the beach was filled with Aiden and Clarke in the backseat competing on reciting she sells seashells on the seashore. Lexa couldn't drop her smile at the way the little guy tried so hard to recite without slurring. The blonde tried so hard not to laugh, often covering her mouth with her hand every time Aiden got the words jumbled.

Sensing that he couldn't recite properly past three tries, the little guy sighed, crossed his arms over his chest and said "Life's hard.

Clarke and Lexa laughed in time with each other and it was the most beautiful sound that they've heard in a long time.

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Brown shore filled their visions as soon as they arrived as the warm embrace of the sun caressed their skin. People of different ages were there as well, families, friends, even pets were present. Clarke decided to take the spot closer to the water, that way, Aiden wouldn't have to run all the way back if he decided to fill his bucket with water. Aiden was already wearing his swimming trunks so Lexa volunteered to watch over him as Clarke changed in the dressing room, she knew what the blonde's body looked like, they've made love before, but seeing Clarke, now that they're dating would be something different.

She was applying sun screen on the boy when the blonde came back...in a red halter bikini, the stringed bottom only added to her allure. Lexa felt that familiar turmoil in her core that her hands stopped moving on Aiden. Her eyes were and attention were now set on the Clarke who sat beside her, cockiness evident on her face.

"Do you need help with that?" The blonde asked, innocence taking over.

Lexa could only answer with raising her brow. Clarke chuckled and raised her hand towards the brunette's face, closing the girl's mouth in the process.

"Applying sun block on Aiden, what else?" The blonde continued, but Lexa knew otherwise.

Aiden was too busy playing with sand to notice what was happening behind him. Lexa gave the bottle of sunblock to Clarke and excused herself to change. She was grateful for the air that surge in her as she walked away. Clarke was perfect as ever and Lexa was a vessel of gayness.

Clarke's eyes were trained on the little boy who was digging with this toy shovel as she attempted to open her canned soda when the brunette's shadow loomed. She almost crushed the tin as soon as she turned to face the girl. Toned stomach. slender legs, hair over one shoulder and that jawline she found so sexy entered her sight. She didn't dare flick her eyeballs on Lexa's chest and backside, the strapped bandeau accentuating their prowess already.

"Need a hand there Clarke?" Lexa voiced out, eyes never leaving the playing boy.

The blonde blinked a couple of times before finally answering "With what?"

Lexa smirked, looked down at the other girl and grabbed the can as she opened the lid. The fizz erupting on the top rivaled the buzzing in Clarke's core " Opening your drink."

The blonde's jaw hanged as the brunette let out a light chuckle and walked away. Clarke couldn't answer so she just sipped the liquid in large gulps. In that moment, she had never been more thankful for the invention of canned beverage.

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The time at the beach was spent frolicking in the water. Lexa taught Aiden how to swim while the blonde stayed close. Clarke's heart was so full of admiration for the other girl, seeing her being so motherly to the boy almost made the blonde's organ burst. Once the lesson was over, the two ganged up against the blonde and splashed her with water. Clarke tried to retaliate but was overpowered by four hands. She couldn't even be mad, Aiden's laughter, alongside with Lexa drowned that emotion. If losing equals to hearing those laughter...she'd choose to lose everyday. When the splashing stopped, Clarke stuck her tongue out and resigned herself with the excuse to buy food at the snack bar...failing to see the lingering eyes on her.

She was greeted with a smile by an elderly woman who was occupying the stool as she approached the stand. Clarke smiled back since it was the polite thing to do, but what made her heart race as her smile grew bigger was what the woman said next.

"You have a beautiful family."

Clarke didn't even correct the old lady, she turned around to where Lexa was now building a sand castle with Aiden and replied "Yes...yes I do."

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"This is gonna be the best sand castle ever." Aiden said as he tried to sculpt his side of the castle.

Lexa smiled at him and replied "It already is buddy."

Aiden scooped another batch of sand and said "I'll miss you Lexa." The little one confessed as he continued his work.

The brunette's heart sunk, reality only dawning as she stared at the Aiden. "I'll miss you too buddy, but we can always visit you, you know?"

"Yeah?"

"Of course, and maybe look after you again when your dad and Clarke's mom go away for the second time?"

Aiden gave her his brightest smile that lifted her sunken heart "I can't wait."

Lexa chuckled and decided to reveal her plans for the next day "You know, we still have tomorrow."

"You'll be with us tomorrow too?" The little bean asked, excitement in his tone.

"Uh huh...I hope you're ready to draw." The brunette exclaimed, earning a frantic nod and a fist pump in the air by Aiden.

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"Smile!" Clarke said as she took a picture with her phone, the bag of chips on her other hand.

Aiden got up and sat on Lexa's lap, her hands instinctively holding the little boy close as they smiled. Clarke couldn't help but do the same as she stared lovingly at the taken photo...she knows what her next wallpaper would be.

"Don't eat sand now Lex."

"I was drunk Clarke."

"You ate sand?"

"Aiden please understand that at that time, I was convinced that they tasted like breadcrumbs."

Clarke could only chuckle as the memory of the brunette shoving sand in her mouth flashed in her mind as Lexa gave her occasional glares.

She blonde continued taking photos of them, sometimes just Aiden and Lexa and sometimes, a self-three. Their eyes would never fail to meet after each take, happiness evident in their hues. The brunette took some as well, candid or planned, it didn't matter, Clarke and Aiden were joyous and that was worthy enough to fill her disk space.

Lexa and Aiden walked the shoreline, picking sea shells as they went. The blonde continued sculpting the sand castle as Aiden ran back and forth, handing the shells for decoration.

A little while later, two men approached the working Clarke. They wore the smug expression which only made the blonde roll her eyes before they could even utter a word.

"Hey there." The taller of the two voiced out first, eyes flicking from her face to her body.

"Hey:" Clarke replied clearly not interested as her focus remained on the sand.

"What are two beautiful girls doing all alone in the beach today?" The other boy finally spoke, eyes trained on Lexa...following her every move.

Clarke clenched her jaw in order to hold back the sarcastic comment on the tip of her tongue. "Well we aren't really alone...if you try looking around, you'll see other people."

The men laughed which only irritated the blonde...they can be so clueless sometimes.

"You're funny. I'm Chris and this is my friend Van." The taller one said as he gestured to himself and then to his friend.

The two men caught Lexa's attention as she turned her head, wanting to give the blonde a smile. She observed the interaction, ready to step in just in case the two do something inappropriate.

Clarke finally tore her gaze away from the sand castle and said "And we're not interested."

"Oh come on, we'll show you a good time." Van charmed as he brushed his fingers through his black locks.

"The only good time I'll be having is seeing you two walk away."

"Ah, playing hard to get." Chris replied, wearing that shit eating grin that Clarke wanted to strip off.

"Are there other words for "no" that you want to hear before you leave her alone?" Lexa spoke as she approached the scene, holding Aiden's hand along the way. Clarke took the little one and made him sit on her lap, placing her headphones in his ear as the brunette stood regal, stance predatory.

"Well you two are clearly single so-"

"Well clearly we're not."

The two men looked at each other,clearly forming a retort when the Lexa continued "That's my girlfriend, and that little boy by on her lap is our son."

Clarke fought the smile that threatened to take over her face upon hearing the brunette refer to Aiden as their son.

"Does that make everything clear now? Or would you like an invitation to the wedding as well?" Lexa savagely tore the men's further inquisition down, making them mumble words of defeat as they walked away.

Lexa took a deep breathe and sat beside Clarke "Are you ok?"

The blonde smiled at her and replied "Our son huh?"

The brunette felt blood rushing to her cheeks and turned her face away before retorting " Well...they would've bothered us further if I had told them that Aiden's your brother....the son thing always works."

Clarke almost awed at how red Lexa was turning but continued to tease the other girl "And a wedding?"

Lexa tried to whisper her reply but was heard by the blonde nonetheless "Hopefully."

The blonde's smiled broadened at the word and brought her lips near enough to place a soft kiss on the blushing cheek and said "That was bad ass...thank you."

The brunette, still flustered could only mutter a weak "welcome" as the heat continued to rampage her body.

They played again for sometime and when their stomachs grumbled, they feasted on the sandwiches that Clarke prepared. That's the reason why she bought that bag of chips, coz Aiden loved chips in his sandwhich. The little one convinced Lexa to try it too and to her surprise, she actually fancied it. Clarke just cackled as the two managed to finish the bag, high fiving each other in the accomplishment.

On the drive back home, the little one fell to slumber as his head rested on the blonde's shoulder. Lexa took this time to invite Clarke for tomorrow's activity.

"Clarke?"

"Hmmm?"

"Would it be ok if you come to my apartment tomorrow? I have a surprise for Aiden."

Clarke smiled again, probably more today compared to the past three years "Of course. Would it be ok in the morning? We have to bring the little guy back in the evening."

"No problem. I'll make breakfast."

The blonde couldn't see the smile on Lexa's mouth on the mirror but her green eyes didn't fail to deliver.

"Thank you for today Lex. I really appreciate it."

"You're welcome. Thank you for agreeing."

"Best date I had in years."

"Oh it was a date?" The brunette playfully chided.

"1 point for Alexandria Woods." Clarke replied, earning a laugh from Lexa.

Blue eyes gazed at the fading seaside as Aiden dozed off, unaware of the passing time. She wondered if everything was gonna be smooth sailing from now on. A silent wish was whispered through the open window as the scent of salt filled her senses, slowly fading as the brunette drove further.

"World...please be kind to us."

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"You're not staying?" Clarke asked as she unbuckled her seat belt.

"Sorry, I still have some things to prepare for tomorrow. I'll see you at your door though." Lexa replied as she unbuckled Aiden's belt and carried him out the car.

A slumped little boy was held by the brunette as they made their way into Clarke's apartment. They softly laughed at the mumbles he made, evident that he was dreaming. As soon as the elevator reached the blonde's floor, Clarke missed Lexa already. She opened the door and placed their things on the floor as Lexa made her way to the bedroom, placing the sleeping bean on the mattress, taking his slippers off and tucking him in.

Clarke was waiting by the bedroom door, ready to say her goodbye.

"Thank you for today Lex, really.It was so fun and Aiden was really happy.

"You're welcome." Lexa replied with a smile, placing a strand of hair behind her ear.

Clarke softly gazed at the girl in front of her before saying "I was happy too, really happy."

The brunette's eyes shone with joy upon hearing those words, she couldn't form the words so her mouth just continued to smile.

"What? Writer Lexa Woods out of words?" Clarke teased as she crossed her arms on her chest.

"You do that to me."

Their eyes met as their gaze flickered to each other's lips. Lexa however, broke the connection before their mouths could even meet.

"I'll see you tomorrow."

"You will."

"Goodbye Clarke, I'm glad you're happy." Lexa uttered as her feet aimed for the door.

"Goodbye Lexa, drive carefully ok?" Clarke replied as she opened the door for the other girl.

Lexa stepped out and said "Yes maam." giving the blonde one last smile before making her way home.

Clarke rested her body on the door, a smile frozen in her face as she took in everything that happened today. Lexa making them happy, Lexa in a bikini, Lexa destroying those men and Lexa who she'll see again tomorrow.

She ambled her way to the couch as weariness seeped in and still....her thoughts remained on Lexa.

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The sizzling of bacon permeated the brunette's apartment as she set work in her kitchen. One pan contained the meat and the other the perfectly circled pancakes. The pot of coffee beans brewed in the coffee maker, their aroma taking over.Smoke danced along with Lexa's singing as the food was cooked to the level of being considered edible. Clarke and Aiden were about to arrive in 10 minutes and Lexa wanted everything done by then, hoping not to bring up disappointment.

She was placing the last pancake on the stack when there was knock. Careful hands placed the cooked food on the table before her body moved to open the door. A smiling Clarke and Aiden filled her sight as soon as the knob was turned.

"Hey, goodmorning." Lexa greeted, a big smile gracing her face. "Come on in."

"Goodmorning as well Lex." Clarke greeted back as Aiden hugged the brunette's legs, his own greeting getting muffled in the process.

Lexa held him closer before gesturing to the dining table. Aiden took the head sit this time, leaving the girls no other choice but to face each other as they ate. The brunette placed two pancakes and two bacon strips on each of their plate as Clarke filled their mugs with coffee. If there was one thing Lexa learned after all the breakfast session with the two is that Aiden liked to drizzle syrup on his cakes to the point of almost drowning them.

Clarke made sure to make him drink at least one and a half glass of water to counter his intake of sugar. There were never any complaints, it was a fair deal to Aiden. The little one talked about the fun he had at the beach and that Lexa was really good at finding sea shells and Clarke at sculpting. The women couldn't fight the butterflies as they remembered the flirting that they did yesterday, sometimes their eyes would meet in a second before returning on their food.

When their plates were cleared, Lexa ushered them to a closed door, the one at the end of the hallway. When the brunette opened it, white walls with a floor taped with newspapers greeted Clarke's view. She instantly knew what Lexa had in mind. Aiden ran to one side as she crouched down and inspected the can of paints, a bundle of pencils and brushes on the floor. His excited hands couldn't decide which brush to hold first as the smile grew on his face.

Clarke was so touched by the gesture that she couldn't help the welling of tears in her eyes "Lexa..." she weakly uttered as she turned to face the girl beside her.

"I wanted to have a piece of you and Aiden in my home, Clarke...I hope that's ok."

The thank you that she failed to say was conveyed through the hug that she enveloped the brunette in. Lexa welcomed Clarke as her arms wrapped around the blonde. The embrace was too comforting to sever that they didn't let go until the little boy called their attention, the want to paint evident in his tone. Lexa walked over to Aiden's side of the wall and said "Do your thing Clarke."

They spent their remaining hours with all the liberty in the world painting pictures in the room. Aiden made dinosaurs and sand castles while Lexa tried her best to make something picturesque. Clarke, with her tongue between her teeth painted an image of a lion, its cub and a raccoon playing on the beach. Lexa and Aiden's laughter filled her ears that she couldn't help but look behind her...and when she was lucky, Lexa also looked back.

The brunette excused herself from the room and when she came back, she brought a Polaroid along with her. Snap after snap consisted of Clarke and Aiden doing their work. The wall wasn't spared a flash as well as Lexa herself. The blonde took the camera once the brunette bartered it for the paint brush and Clarke caught the moment of happiness as Lexa painted a baby dinosaur beside the mama dino that Aiden made.

Every film that she waved back and forth showed the image of what family is like...what it could be with Lexa and at that thought, Clarke gazed on the picture with a soft smile on her face as the two remained unaware of the moment.

They placed the pictures on the middle wall, Clarke and Aiden handing Lexa the tape as the girl stuck the pics one by one. Feet took their step back as they marveled at the frozen memories that would never be remade. The little one made way for the brush, dipped it inside the red paint and moved forward to the wall. He aimed his hand at the bottom of the collage and carefully wrote his name. Clarke and Lexa looked on as the boy continued his work and a minute later, Aiden called them over and urged them to do the same.

Clarke chose the blue paint while Lexa had the green one. They wrote their names side by side with just enough space in between. As they stepped back, Aiden covered the space they had just vacated and painted something on the wall.

Small hands made a heart....filling the space between Clarke and Lexa's name.

It's the moment they realized that they must've been so in love that even other people could see it.

If they let this go for the second time, they'd be the definition of fools.

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"It's so cool." Aiden voiced out as they sat in the center, eyes looking between the covered walls.

"Thank you for your work bud." Lexa said as she leaned back and rested her weight on her arms.

"Am I that cub?"

"No one else."

"Is Lexa the raccoon?"

"Yup."

"Did you search the trash for food too?"

"Aiden NO."

Clarke tried to stifle her laughter at the innocence in the little boy's question but failed nonetheless.

"Can I sleep in this room next time I visit?" The little boy asked Clarke, wearing his best puppy eyes.

The blonde gave the brunette a questioning look "Lex?"

"As long as I can sleep here too." Lexa replied, smiling at the beaming boy.

"Like a sleepover?!" Aiden excitedly uttered.

"Complete with mallows in hot cups of choco's." The brunette retorted, making Aiden fall back down as he exclaimed "Yes!"

Laughter broke out from the women and when their eyes met, they didn't even bother to look away.

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The drive towards Kane's house was the longest and harrowing ride they've ever been in. They knew that it would be a while before Aiden is theirs again and the more Clarke looked beside her, the more her heart broke. She thought that it would be easy, letting go...but this clawing in her chest was the same one she felt when Lexa left.She knew that she had to say goodbye at some point...but Lexa entering the picture made every day happier that it felt like she was losing another piece of her heart again.

Silence came along and it was the only music that they heard. Lexa, out of being respectful, stayed quiet through the whole trek as well.

Abby and as Lexa assumed to be Kane were waiting by the porch as she pulled in the driveway. The couple got up and headed in their direction as Clarke unbuckled Aiden's belt. The little boy looked up to her, sorrow pooling in his eyes as he remained silent. The blonde never uttered a word, she just pulled him closer and cherished this last hug, whispered an "I love you." before she opened the door.

Aiden looked back at her and replied "I love you too." before jumping out.

The three got out of the vehicle and when Lexa's feet landed on the ground, small arms hugged them. Aiden, with all his might, clutched on to the girl as if it would be the last time that he'd ever get the chance to do it. Lexa didn't even think twice of pulling the little boy until she was carrying him, Aiden's arms immediately wrapped around her neck. The brunette closed her eyes and with a whisper she said "You be good ok?"

"I promise."

"We'll meet again."

"And then have a sleepover?"

"Yeah." Lexa replied, a weak smile now on her face.

"Please take care of Mama."

"I will...pinky swear."

"I love you Lexa."

At that confession, Lexa's held him closer, selfishness flowing in her veins as she uttered "I love you too Aiden."

Lexa handed the little boy over to his father, Kane who took Aiden with a smile. "You must be Lexa."

"Yes sir. It's nice to meet you." The brunette held out her hand and Kane warmly shook it.

"Lexa, it's so nice to finally put a face to a name. A very beautiful one I must say." Abby complimented, earning a shy smile from the brunette."

"You're all that my little girl talked about every time she went home for the summer back in college."

The blonde felt the embarrassment that children feel when their parents out them to their crush, she shifted her weight from leg to leg, sighed and whined "Mom."

"Is that so?" Lexa said, a tease evident in her tone as she turned to face the blonde. "Well, Clarke talked about you all the time ma'am, especially about how great of a surgeon and a mother you are."

"That's Clarke, always putting the people she loves on the pedestal." Abby replied, giving her daughter a proud smile.

"Lexa, if it's not much trouble, would you like to join us at dinner when you're available?" Kane asked, shifting Aiden to his other arm "It's the least we could do after the help you've given."

The brunette grinned and said "As long as my little buddy is there, so will I."

The couples talked for a little while longer before Clarke and Lexa bid one last farewell to Aiden and went on their way.

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The drive back was accompanied by the soft tune on the radio, Clarke, changing the station once in a while. As she rested her head on the seat, she couldn't help but stare at Lexa's face, illuminated by the street lights they passed.

In her peripheral vision, the brunette saw blue eyes trained on her. A smile crept on her face before uttering "See something you like?"

The blonde, adjusting her position on her sit, gave a weak smile as she said "No...someone I love."

The answer made Lexa's heart race...she hasn't heard that word in a very long time. The word "love" always made sense when Clarke said it and now, she was just filled with meaning. Slender fingers focused the adrenaline pumping on the steering wheel, coz all that she wanted to do at that moment was kiss the blonde with every ounce of passion that she had.

"I thought "love" was not supposed to be mentioned on the second date?" Lexa teased, not wanting to cross anything.

"We've had dates before, we just never mentioned it." Clarke retorted, her eyes still trained on the brunette's features.

"I wanted to."

"Me too."

"I probably have a lifetime supply for you." The brunette stepped up her answer, cheekbones accentuating in her smile.

Clarke chuckled and softly said "I have forever."

Lexa halted the car as the sound of a running engine echoed in the street. Those words patched the little cracks that were yet to mend from their three years apart and all it took was that admission from the girl. She looked at Clarke who was staring back, nothing but affection in her eyes.

"I wrote you a letter."

"I never received any."

"Coz I never sent it." Lexa took a deep breath before continuing "I still have it in my possession...so if you want...you can read it."

Clarke offered her a warm smile, she scooted closer to the brunette and traced the pad of her thumb on Lexa's cheek and said. "Please."

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The blonde waited on Lexa's couch as the brunette searched for the kept letter. She knew that she'd cry, and willing herself not to would only be a waste of time. The ticking of the clock grew louder and louder as the silence shrouded the apartment. Clarke kept straining her neck just to see if Lexa would come out of her room and after 5 minutes passed, her figure finally showed.

"Sorry" Lexa said as she took a sit beside the girl "There was just a lot of papers."

Clarke gave her a reassuring smile and said "Hey, it was only five minutes, not 5 years."

The brunette did relax, her shoulders were now low and her eyes steady ."Here" Lexa said, handing the blonde a folded brown paper.

The blonde slowly took the paper, fingers skimming the outer layer as she prepared herself for whatever the letter contained. As the rush of air filled her lungs, she carefully unraveled the paper....the first words were enough to sting.

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Dear Clarke,

I'm writing you a letter that I will never send. Whether it's out of cowardice or selflessness, I cannot wholly comprehend. Ever since we parted, my life had consisted of flight gates and terminals that I never found the time to create a sentence. At times that I do though, all thoughts lead to you.The altitude could never elevate me enough to not be grounded by you.

It's my second year in France, yet everyday I still wake up thinking that you're only a drive away. I look for you...in the silence that fills my apartment, I look for you. Remember how we dreaded a day of not seeing each other? We went five years without even a single news and now I don't know how long I can manage not hearing from you. If I ever do reach out, please know that it is not out of weakness or the want to lay my troubles...I just simply miss you.

From the break of morning to the victory of the night and from the first drop of ink till I bleed it dry, I miss you.

Anya once told me that you weren't my whole world, that I just refused to turn the globe. Those words resonated in my head time and time again but they never echoed. Coz the world kept on spinning Clarke...and I found myself still in love with you with every revolve.

I think I have expressed the entirety of my feelings on this paper more than I have conveyed to you in person. I apologize for that, for making you feel unloved when I had nothing but fondness for you.

I will never ask for chances, it's the least I could do for all that you went through. If this brings you appeasement, then I shall gladly take my exit.

I hope you're well and most importantly, happy. That's all I ever wanted from the beginning and it'll always be my constant wish.

Paris gave me shelter but you'll always be my home.

The world is turning Clarke and I love you.

Always in your endearment,  
Lexa

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Blue eyes pooled with fresh tears as the shed ones fell silently, the hands that gently held the paper were now creating creases on the sides. The delicate sheet held the heaviest of emotions that Clarke couldn't help but cry as wave after wave of Lexa's written professions inundated her soul.

Lexa gently held her hand out and wiped the tears that were staining Clarke's cheeks. The blonde's breaths came with shudders as the enormity of the brunette's feelings swallowed her whole. Lexa was a tempest but still gave her harbor...she knew that she wouldn't be docking soon.

Clarke shifted her position so that she was fully facing the girl. She gently folded the paper and with a whole hearted conviction she uttered "I love you too...always

It was her green eyes's turn to well in tears and Lexa didn't even fight it. She allowed herself to be washed away in those words as their comfort kept her ashore. They stared at each other as they continued to cry, Clarke's fingers intertwining their hand in the process. Lexa brought it to her lips and placed a chaste kiss on the blonde's knuckles and when she peered up...the blonde's lips found hers.

The kiss was everything and nothing at the same time. It's as if those eight years never happened for the way their lips glided proved no feat....as if they've always belonged to each other. No one pushed or pulled, they were simply contented with the lightest pressure and the warmth from each other. Their past kisses were of pretense and anger but this one...this was love.

Parting came after a minute, the rush of excitement and relief felt in every exhale. Lexa gave the blonde's lips one last peck and rested her forehead on Clarke's and whispered "Stay."

The kiss that captured her lips once more signified the yes that she wanted.

The painted room was vacated by the lovers as the open window invited the gentle breeze that soothed the heat. Clarke and Lexa laid side by side, facing each other on the foam that welcomed their weary bodies. No words were exchanged as they listened to music on the brunette's phone, all the while smiling at each other as the unspoken "I love you" was formed by their mouths. Like lovers who were distanced for so long, Clarke and Lexa were finally home.


	11. smoke and whiskey

Nicotine smoke permeated the air in Lexa's balcony as it left the blonde's lips. Menthol flavored sticks invaded her mouth, the taste calming her nerves yet scorching her lungs. Clarke does this when she's stressed and the upcoming gala was surely wrecking her. Green eyes observed from the couch as the stick was taken in and out from the girl's lips. Clarke had already downed two cigarettes and she was about to light another when Lexa called her attention.

"Massages are better you know." The brunette uttered as she placed her laptop on the coffee table.

Clarke turned her body so that it was fully facing Lexa, the stick caught in between her fingers "Just another one babe."

It had been 3 months since their kiss and every grocery shopping that they've done consisted of Clarke making a trip to a convenience store and buying a pack. Sometimes, she finished 20 cigarettes in a month, other times though, they doubled. Lexa didn't voice her concern at first, vices are for everyone, but she was very much aware of the side effects and she couldn't help but worry. In their eight years apart, she didn't dare ask just how many ring of smoke the blonde puffed out because of her absence.

Lexa pulled her knees to her chest and rested her chin on them "You'll never start quitting if you don't stop."

A small smile crept on Clarke's face as she placed the cigarette back in its pack and made her way to the couch, mimicking the brunette's position "You just wanna give me massages."

Slender fingers reached out for Clarke's hands as Lexa scooted closer, breaking her position until the blonde's legs were in between hers "If that's what it takes."

Clarke intertwined their hands together, her eyes trained on them as she said "I'm sorry that the smoke bothers you."

"It's not the smoke that bothers me Clarke...it's what the smoke does to your lungs."

The blonde's eyes found hers and at that moment Clarke remembered Lexa's story of how her uncle Titus died because of cancer. Soft gleams of light illuminated the brunette's face as they laid in the blonde's bed in their dorm as the girl told that tale. Titus took her in when her parents died, leaving her the trust fund that she used when she stayed in Paris. Emotions were evident in her green eyes but the way she spoke told Clarke that Lexa and Titus had some rift. It didn't stop the brunette from voicing out her concern though like the way she's doing now, that's how caring she is.

"If I caused this..." Lexa weakly said "I'm sorry."

Clarke immediately retracted her hand from the brunette's and frantically waved them as she said "No no no. Lex, this habit is not because of you. I tried a stick one day and the next thing I know, that day turned to years. But I don't smoke everyday, only when I'm stressed, I promise." She's scared and Clarke knew it.

The brunette's eyes wandered from the girl's face to her feet, she didn't want to part with the blonde again and this craving for smoke will surely deplete their bond.

"I just don't wanna lose you from something that can be prevented."

"I know, thank you for thinking of me....mom." Clarke jabbed hoping to ease the tension in the room.

Lexa managed to form a small smile and took the blonde's hands in hers once again "Mint candies, they help. I'll buy you a stash, wintergreen or peppermint, it's your call."

Clarke smiled back and replied "Both please?"

"Ok."

The blonde abandoned her hold on Lexa as she got up and searched her bag. She returned a moment later, an unopened pack clutched in her hand.

"Here." Clarke said as she handed out the opened pack to Lexa in which the girl accepted "and here." the blonde continued, giving the second pack this time as the brunette received it again. "That's all the cigarettes I have. Adieu, chérie."

Lexa chuckled as she held on to the packs, but her laughter soon turned to worry when she realized that this won't be easy for Clarke. "I'm sorry, I know this won't be easy."

The blonde ran her fingers through her hair, green eyes following their flow "It's gonna take time for adjustments but it's worth it....you're worth it."

Lexa's heart warmed up knowing that she was the reason for this endeavor, another smile graced her features as she said "No massages today though, we have work."

Clarke lifted her wrist, near enough that she can read the time on her watch "Well I can wait...we do have forever."

The grin that broke out from her mouth was so wide to the point where it hurt, but Lexa couldn't give an ounce of care. All that mattered were the given up cigarettes and the girl sitting right in front of her.

"I love you." The brunette said, barely a whisper but not quite a shout.

The blonde's gazed softened, her hand once again searched for Lexa's, and when she found it, she replied "I love you too."

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Crunched sound of a jumbled wrapper invaded the tranquility of Clarke's apartment as she continued to paint. The mint from the candies that Lexa brought her were definitely living up to her cravings. One candy turned to two then to three until the call for sleep became too much to ignore. She'd wake up to goodmorning texts from the brunette reminding her to drink lots of water coz being hydrated also countered the want for smoke.

This is one of her favorite things, the moment she had for herself before the world demanded from her. She took the time basking in the comfort of her bed and in the brunette's messages. Sleepy eyes scanned the screen as a small smile graced her face, sometimes just from the thought of Lexa thinking about her and mostly because of Lexa's poetic words.

If Clarke's heart ever did hurt since they got back together...it's from Lexa loving her to the point of blindness.

But the blonde wasn't blind anymore, she called out the girl on the error of her ways. Lexa would've drank half the pint of scotch in a day in her cabinet if the blonde had not talked to her about it. She reasoned that it helped her relax, especially when she's stressed but Clarke only saw the destruction of her liver.

As Lexa made her give up cigarettes, Clarke made Lexa surrender alcohol.

"You're kissing that glass more than you're kissing me." The blonde said as she sat on the stool next to the girl as they occupied the kitchen counter.

The glass was already on the brunette's bottom lip, the scotch only an inch from lapping her tongue. She slowly tilted the glass downward and place it on the counter "It's only been one shot."

Clarke gently placed her hand on top of Lexa's and said "And then that one is gonna turn into two...until you've drank half the bottle."

Green eyes held sadness and disappointment, more on herself rather than the blonde. Lexa sighed and whirled the contents of her glass and said "It's the only thing that has calmed me down these past years."

The blonde took in Lexa's face and body language, her shoulders were slumped and that weary look was set in her eyes as if the confession brought her shame. Clarke scooted closer and placed a kiss on the brunette's cheek, to which the girl turned her face until the blonde's lips melted with hers. Lexa held the sting of alcohol in her tongue but Clarke didn't mind, she enjoyed the taste not just the destructive effects of it on Lexa.

"Alcohol isn't your lover...I am." Clarke whispered against her lips as the kiss ended "I can calm you down too."

"I don't wanna burden you."

"Idiot." The blonde said with a soft chuckle "Lexa, you're problems are my problems and vice versa. Hasn't that always been our thing? Even back then, we've always told each other."

"But you're doing so great, and I know that you'll surely worry if I had confessed."

"I'll only worry more if you didn't."

Lexa could only stare at her, the unspoken apology already in her features. Clarke intertwined their hands on the kitchen counter and uttered "Lex, you've always been strong. People see you that way, but I know you. You'd be on the edge of breaking down and you'd still go on as if nothing's wrong. It's not that you don't want them to see your moments of weakness....you just didn't wanna bother anyone."

The way the brunette's throat bobbed, her eyes water and her jaw clenched told the blonde that she hit close to home.

"Lex..." Clarke continued as she gave their laced hands a squeeze "I'm not just anyone. I'm your girl, and what's yours is mine, even the bad stuff. "

The burn on Lexa's chest wasn't from the depravity of alcohol but from the reassurance of Clarke's words. She was falling and she was aware that she'd break her shell once she hit the bottom. In years of avoidance....Clarke still happened and everything didn't seem so scary anymore.

"We struggle together?"

Clarke gave her a soft smile and replied "We struggle together."

The drain was masked with the smell of whiskey as the couple poured the contents of the bottle out. Lexa watched as the last drip of alcohol left its container with a promise that she'll only drink on occasions and not when she's stressed. Clarke made her mac n' cheese after that ordeal and the sight of the blonde singing and dancing along with the music made Lexa's sacrifice worth it.

As she had silently vowed, Lexa did call Clarke whenever she was troubled. The first one happened at 4 am and she furiously apologized but Clarke only reassured her.

"Lexa...you come first...always."

She didn't mean to cry, she only intended to share her worries. But this net that Clarke has laid out for her became too comfortable that even just the slightest touch of it was enough to shake her emotions. Lexa took a shuddering breath and told the blonde everything...they only bid goodbye once the sun was already high.

They both gave up something that they love for something that they love even more...each other.

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The usual grocery shopping route since that talk was altered. The direction was now from the store then to either of their apartments. The sounds of pans and sizzling oil filled the space as Clarke made them dinner on most nights while Lexa prompted the desserts. As soon as the plates were cleared, different colors were mixed in the palette as the canvass laid bare and the once empty wordsheet were starting to show words as slender fingers worked on the keyboard.

Kane's invitation for dinner was soon answered by the couple where they were greeted by a beaming Aiden. He ran towards Clarke first and gave her all the hug that he had saved. When he turned to Lexa, he found himself lifted off the ground and smothered by a warm embrace, neither wanted to let go.

Laughter and stories circled the table as the food got consumed. The little boy lead the way to his bedroom and showed the couple the new drawings on his wall. Clarke gave him praises and Lexa seconded the motion. In the aftermath of the feast, Lexa asked for a private moment with Abby. The backyard and night sky witness her confession and intention with Clarke. Her heart thumped so fast that she felt the lodge in her throat. Abby stared at her as if she was a specimen under a microscope, each minute giving away details about her.

"I know." Abby smiled as the night air swished in the back ground.

"You know?"

"Clarke told me."

"She did?...Ok." Lexa answered as her feet shuffled in their place.

"There's nothing to be shy about Lexa...I knew even before Clarke confessed to me."

"We're that obvious huh?"

"In terms of PDA, no. But the way you look at each other? Total giveaway."

The brunette laughed which was joined by Abby a little later. Her nervousness simmered down as the older woman showed to be more open than she had expected.

"You love her?"

"With everything I have." The brunette said, deliberately lacing conviction on every word.

"Then ok." Abby smiled which only confused the girl.

"Ok?" Lexa asked, her brows scrunched in question "I'm sorry Mrs. Griffin but I don't-"

"Lexa" The older woman uttered as she placed her hands on the brunette's arm "I trust that you'd love and take care of my little girl, I mean, you're already doing such a good job. I've never seen her this happy...so it's all ok." Abby finished explaining, a smile born in the truth of her statement.

The brunette smiled back as relief flooded her lungs, making breathing so much easier. "Ok. Thank you for accepting us Abby."

" You're welcome....how long until you address me as mom though?" The woman asked, teasing in her tone.

" The day she says yes." A blush bloomed in Lexa's cheeks as she thought about marriage. Not just any marriage though...with Clarke, if they make it.

"Soon?"

"Hopefully."

Abby only answered with a smile, she knew that things can get rough no matter how much two people love each other so she decided to make no reassurances.

"Just remember that every fight you'll have is not a call to raise the white flag. If something can still be fixed, then try your best to mend it."

"Thank you Abby."

The older woman gave a nod with a soft smile and said "Now that's settled, why don't we go back inside? Aiden wants you to hear the new song he's memorized."

"Lead the way."

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"I told Abby about us." Lexa confessed as they waited for slumber to visit on her bed.

She felt Clarke move against her side, burying her face in the crook of her neck "Someone's excited." The blonde teased and gave a peck on the girl's skin.

"As if you didn't tell first." The brunette retorted, pulling Clarke even closer.

"I couldn't help it...I was afraid that I was gonna combust if I didn't tell a soul. I'm sorry that I didn't wait for you."

"Hey it's ok...I was actually relieved, you telling your mom first hand saved me a lot of explaining to do." Lexa uttered, softly caressing the silky blonde hair.

"Too bad I didn't see how flustered you were."

"I was calm on the outside but on the inside...my nerves were firing."

"I know how to ease them."

"Oh you do?"

"Here..." Clarke said as she straddled the girl "let me show you."

Ever since that day, Clarke's lips touched Lexa's more and more. Her mistresses that were the cigarettes had been long forgotten.

Lexa tasted so much better anyway.

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The brazen autumn leaves waited for their descent as the wind danced in their wake. Soft breeze that once battled the heat was now turning into a chill, signifying the coming of winter. As the temperature grew colder and colder, the time that the couple get to spend together became scarce. It was not the reason that they've fallen out, it was the demand of their jobs that kept them apart. Nights that were supposed to be in bed with Lexa became nights of paints, brushes and canvasses in the loft that Dante gave her. Clarke would call to make sure that the brunette got home safely, if she had eaten and also to bid her a good sleep. Sometimes, she's the one who doesn't get rest...the longing for her lover gnawed in her bones but the blonde knew better than to forgo her works and be irresponsible.

Whereas the blonde dealt with art, Lexa had stacks of paper in her hands. Strained green eyes stayed up proofreading her written work, as well as the newcomers. Luna had asked her to overlook the papers as part of the new people's training, so far, minor mistakes were made. The mug that was acquired in Paris was filled with coffee after coffee as the clock ticked by. The caffeine couldn't level with giving Lexa vigor more than the lovely messages that Clarke sent, and the trip from her room to the kitchen was made jovial by Clarke's doodles, magnetized on her fridge. She fought so hard not to get lost in their comfort, knowing that if she replied, they'd only abandon their labors.

Sometimes the world was kind enough to let them have lunch dates that only felt like a second and kisses that made them crave for more. They didn't push though, thankful for the time that was given. If Clarke had a treasure chest, it would surely be filled of moments with Lexa. Her vase was occupied with flowers, different ones whenever she'd meet up with her girl. The more they bloomed, the more in love Clarke was.

"I love you's" and "I miss you's" echoed through the phone as they gave in. It wasn't facile, but those years apart taught them how to manage being on their own, and the knowledge that they have someone to come home to, made the sacrifice bearable.

Everything was fine until one day...it wasn't.

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Clacking of heels and glide of rubber swamped the floor in Dante's office as the men and women went about their ways. The pink hue in the sky signified the coming of the night that would soon liberate them from work. Clarke, who had just finished discussing the gala set up with Dante, was now free of structural talks. Lexa was right, the mint candies were a great help. She ambled her way to the right corner as her attention was on her phone. She smiled as she saw her girlfriend's name, but before she could even push the call button, Lexa's ID number flashed on her screen.

"Miss me?" The blonde teased as she descended the stairs.

"Clarke, it's Octavia."

The voice of the other woman alone was enough to make Clarke halt her steps. Something was wrong, she felt it as soon as she answered the call, every fiber in her body screamed that Lexa wasn't ok. She took a deep breathe, shuddering in the process as she calmed herself and said " O, what happened to Lexa?"

"It's nothing too serious but are you sitting down?" Octavia asked, her voice soothing the firing nerves in the blonde's system.

"Yes...yes I am." Clarke lied, her hand was gripping the handle bar so tight that her knuckles were turning white and her feet were ready to run just as soon as she knew where her girlfriend was.

"Alright. Lexa and I are in the hospital, Ark medical. Again, it's nothing too serious so please breathe. Clarke, Lexa told me to tell you that."

As soon as the word hospital was spoken, the blonde felt the worse crash in her stomach. The voices of other people were clear enough to hear as she tried to drown the erratic beating of her heart.

"What about you? Are you hurt?"

"Clarke, I'm fine, not a scratch on me."

"O, thank you for informing me, I'll be there as fast as I can."

"Please drive carefully ok?

She didn't even wait for Octavia to end the call, as soon as she pushed the end button, her body went on a sprint until she was out of the building. Clarke started to feel the panic rising, her hands were trembling and somehow she couldn't get the car to start. At the intake of another hard breath, the blonde steadied herself and composed herself, remembering that panic is the enemy. A minute or so later, Clarke was calm enough to start the engine and drive her way to Lexa.

"She's ok...she's ok. You're gonna see her again...she's ok." the blonde chanted as the tears pooled in her eyes.

"Please...I just had her back."

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"Is she ok?" Lexa asked as Octavia handed her phone back. They waited in the emergency room for a doctor, a green curtain separating them from others.

Octavia raised her brow and scoffed "You're the one who got cut with a knife and you're asking if Clarke's ok?"

The brunette gave her an un-amused stare and said "O please?"

The girl sighed and sat on the bed, her thighs bumping with Lexa's foot. "She sounded calm."

"She's panicking."

"I know, but it's Clarke we're talking about. Have you ever seen her break before making sure that others are ok? Hell no."

The reassurance from the girl made Lexa breathe easier. The moment the knife opened her skin, all she thought about was Clarke. She hadn't anticipated that move, but as the cold blade burned her, the reality that anything could happen at anytime dawned on her. The pool of blood that was dripping out of her hands brought her back to the moment. The pain she felt wasn't from the cut..it was from the thought of parting with Clarke again.

"Thank you for calling her. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to avoid slurring if I had."

"It's a small favor Woods, don't worry about it."

"Also..." Lexa continued as she adjusted her jacket on her wound "thank you for backing me." she added as her eyes trained on Octavia.

O managed to form a small smile and said "Clarke would've killed me if I hadn't.....and, you would've done the same for me."

Another smile was exchanged between the two, the understanding that wasn't spoken was told in those smiles. Their connection was only broken when a doctor came in with a cleaning and stitching kit. He got to work as Octavia looked on, witnessing the little wince and hiss from Lexa. The cut was at least 5 inches long, it laid in a horizontal angle that twerked at the end of the brunette's left side.

The stitches were starting to close the gap as Lexa asked Octavia to wait on the bench for Clarke. The girl placed her hand on the Lexa's shoulder and gave it a light squeeze before walking out of the room.

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Two minutes passed of O looking from faces to faces, hoping to spot her friend. As soon as her eyes caught blonde hair and blue eyes, there was no doubt that it was Clarke. She stood up from her bench and waved her arm up, attempting to capture the girl's attention.

Relief flooded Clarke's eyes as soon as she saw Octavia. She ran in her heels and as soon as she reached the girl, Octavia pulled her in an embrace that calmed the tension in her rigid muscles. Her wet lashes kissed her cheeks as they fluttered, accompanying her breathing. When the hug ended, the first words out of her mouth were "How's Lexa?"

Octavia gestured with her thumb behind her and replied "She's being stitched now, the cut isn't that deep."

"Cut? What happened?" Different scenarios swam in the blonde's mind as she waited for Octavia's explanation.

Octavia gestured for them to sit down and when they finally did, O said "We met at the bakery where Lexa was making a quick run and as we were walking back to her building, we saw this girl, thirteen or fourteen maybe, crowded by two men in a rarely used alley. The girl saw us and shouted help, and as soon as Lexa saw the unbuckled belt of those men...she just ran in her aid."

Clarke's fist scrunched her skirt upon hearing that. Lexa was never impulsive by any means, every move she that she made was always after her calculation. When it comes to people she loves and people in need though...Lexa gambles it all...even if it puts her in a disadvantage.

"I ran in to help. Often shielding her from the punches she couldn't see." O continued "But your girlfriend was taking both of them at once and that was just wow. When the men were on the ground, grunting in pain, Lexa and I checked on the girl then she shouted for us to look behind, and when we did, he was already swinging his knife, cutting Lexa in the process. Luckily, other people saw the altercation and ran in to help as well. Those assholes are in jail now."

Clarke took another deep breathe as she tried to gulp down the information. Her best friend and girlfriend just beat up and stopped a rape attempt, a part of her was on a pedestal, beaming with pride but another part was drowning in dread, realizing that the outcome of what happened could've been a whole lot different. Either of them could've died....and Clarke couldn't afford another goodbye.

"Did I mention that she did all of it in heels?" Octavia added, smiling as she recalled how Lexa moved "And-"

Whatever words that she was going to say was halted when the blonde pulled her in for a hug. Instead of questioning why, Octavia knew that Clarke was scared, as the girl's tiny sobs entered her hearing. Her small arms embraced the blonde, making soothing patterns on her back.

"I'm glad you're both ok but please be more careful next time...please."

Clarke sounded so small and defeated that Octavia pulled her even closer "We will Clarke..we will."

"Thank you...for not leaving her...thank you."

"Shh...she would've done the same, you know that."

When the hug came to an end, Octavia wiped away the streak of tears that stained the blonde's eyes. They made themselves presentable and went inside again and as soon as they walked through the door, Lexa was revealed behind the moved curtain. Green eyes welled up with tears at the sight of Clarke who was slowly making her way towards her. Every explanation that the brunette was ready to give died down when the blonde's warm mouth captured her own. It wasn't long enough to be passionate but enough as if to give comfort.

"I love you." Clarke whispered as she hugged the brunette, careful not to press on Lexa's stomach."

"I love you too." Lexa replied, resting her head on the girl's neck, breathing the scent of safety and home.

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The comfort of home greeted Lexa as soon they arrived in her apartment. Clarke made sure that she was settled in her bed before excusing herself to make some needed calls. The brunette waited as the low voice of the blonde reverberated through the wooden door. She thought about the events of the day that almost took her away from Clarke, another inch closer and the knife would've punctured an organ.

Her thoughts were disrupted by the sound of a turned knob which was followed by the appearance of Clarke. The girl shrugged off her jacket and laid it on the foot board before gently laying down beside Lexa. The hush and her soaked shoulder told the brunette all the fear that the blonde felt earlier. Clarke's hand was near enough the bandaged wound as if she had intended to make it disappear.

Lexa slowly turned her face and placed a soft kiss on the girl's head "I'm sorry for scaring you."

She heard a sniffle before feeling the warm breathe of the girl " There's nothing to apologize for Lex...you did the right thing and I am so proud of you. Please focus on healing ok?"

"You're crying..." The brunette whispered as she tried to soothe the weeping blonde.

"I just got really scared earlier.... when O called and said that you were in the hospital...everything felt so constricted that I couldn't breathe. The worst things came into my mind and I even though she told me that it wasn't something serious, I still felt like my whole world was about to come crashing down." Clarke confessed, as another set of tears fell on the brunette's skin.

"I already lost 8 years with you Lex.... I couldn't stand another goodbye...."

"Clarke, please look at me."

The blonde moved her body upwards so that her face was leveled with the brunette. Lexa reached out her right hand and wiped the streak of tears that trailed Clarke's cheeks "I'm right here, as of this moment, I'm right here and we're still together. I don't know what will happen to us in the years to come, and if we ever do part, it's because of reasons that we couldn't control. Do you understand?"

Clarke could only managed to give a nod as her lips trembled, the truth in Lexa's words making tears well up once more.

" If something does happen to me, more gravely than this one then I apologize in advance....for leaving you again."

"Lexa..."

The blonde whispered, her breathing ragged from the clogged nasal.

"Hey..." The brunette said, a small smile etched on her face "That's a big IF alright? I still have a lot of things that I wanna do with you Clarke. We still have Paris you know?"

Clarke managed to return the small smile as the reassurance of the girl pulled her into comfort again "Tell me more."

"Let's see...we're so close to reaching 1 year, I'm not quitting now. I've written all the dates that I've planned on taking you and I wanna see through that. Oh and Abby asked me when I'm gonna start calling her mom and I told her that it's when you'd say yes. So I just wanna let you know that I plan on marrying you."

A soft chuckle escaped Clarke as the tears of consternation was replaced by joy. "I already know my answer."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Well that means that kids are a go.Two little ones perhaps, future Mrs. Woods?"

The quivering of her lips was turned into a huge grin at the mention of kids. Lexa would be such a good mother, she already saw it with Aiden. "For starters."

Lexa beamed back at the girl and placed the loose tendril of blonde hair behind Clarke's hair "Alright. It seems that I have to research baby names now. Also, a house in a good neighborhood, the one that's near the school and hospital. I wonder how much it costs to have one built for us."

Clarke could only smile as her fear subsided while she listened to the future that Lexa had laid out "We can save with the labor if you wanna paint the nursery."

"Absolutely."

"I wonder if our first born would be more into the jungles or the seas?"

"One wall for the jungle and one for the sea. Sounds logical right?"

"You're brilliant."

"Of course I am, I mean, I am in a relationship with you."

Lexa chuckled at how smooth Clarke's answer was, she traced the girl's stained cheek with the pad of her thumb and said "Now, after they're born, we just have to wait on who'll pick up the brush and who'll pick up the pen....a little Lexa and a little Clarke."

The blonde leaned in, careful not to touch the fresh wound as her lips found Lexa's. It was a kiss that conveyed everything she felt at the family that they'd envisioned in the solace of the room. A kiss she prayed that she would get to give more and more. A kiss that Lexa's lips would feel in every lifetime that they'd meet.

"I can't wait."

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Books that were placed on the top shelf were relocated to the second board, plates that were in the cabinet were now occupying the kitchen table and anything that wasn't within Lexa's reach were now reachable. Clarke made sure to move them so that the brunette wouldn't have to stretch, injuring herself more in the process. T-shirts became off limits for the mean time and were replaced with button up clothing. She made sure to aid the brunette in changing the gauze and applying the cream before she went to work.

Lexa only smiled at the blonde as Clarke continued to remind the girl of what she needed to do just in case she felt that something was wrong.

"Call me if ever ok? Stop smiling like an idiot and say something. " The blonde said as she rummaged her bag for her keys.

"Yes ma'am."

"Ok, I love you."

"I love you too."

The closing of the door indicated the long hours that Lexa had before she could see the blonde again. She situated herself in front of the television as she was accompanied by the snacks that Clarke had prepared for her. The chocolate ball was almost in her mouth when the door opened again, making her eyes dart to the motion. The blonde was back and before Lexa could even ask, soft lips were already on hers and she didn't even think twice before kissing the girl back.

Lexa couldn't even feel the pain from the wound anymore.

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By the good graces of the heavens and Lexa's body, her wound healed just in time for the gala. Clarke accompanied her to the doctor when she had her stitches taken out and in their place, a small line of scare took over. Clarke spent that afternoon with the girl kissing the scar, as if heartening the brunette that it was not a sight to be repulsed about. Lexa found it hard to concentrate on her book when soft lips and warm breath invaded her exposed skin. She asked Clarke to just kiss her when the heat in her core got too much.

They haven't made love since they got back together and Lexa was willing to wait until Clarke was comfortable enough to surrender her body again.

The couple went shopping for clothes for the big night. The blonde asked the girl to be her date and Lexa said yes in a heartbeat. Clarke bought the halter styled blood orange dress that had a crossed fabric tie on her back, giving a view of her soft skin. The dress reached below the knees and the blonde paired it with gold ankle strapped heels. The cloth fitted the girl so perfectly that her curves were accentuated.

Lexa had to cross her legs when the blonde gave her a little fashion show. The decollete that Clarke had was enough to make the brunette throb and ache. She remembered the way they bounced...the way they felt, the way they tasted...Clarke's moans. Lexa mentally scolded herself for having such lewd thoughts. She certainly had an excuse for drinking at least 3 glasses at the party.

As the table turned and it was Lexa's turn to show off...Clarke didn't fare so well either. The brunette opted for a black sweetheart dress that made her long legs stand out. The black pumps only made them sexier. Images of the the girl bare and her legs wide open flashed in the blonde's mind as Lexa presented in front of her. She remembered how they felt wrapped around her waist as she thrusted deeper into the girl. The blonde cleared her throat as she adjusted her position...the room suddenly got hot.

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Canvasses from different artists colored the wall of the entire room. People of mostly high status roamed the place, eyeing and perhaps judging the pieces of art they observed. Men and women who reeked of cash chattered in their posh attires, but all that Lexa could hear was Clarke. The blonde held the brunette's hand in hers as they moved from one painting to another. Lexa didn't miss the way the men's eyes would trail on the blonde. Instead of feeling jealousy, she felt unprecedented pride. Clarke was her girl after all.

The couple decided to separate for a while as Clarke talked to Dante's clients. Lexa lingered on the paintings that attracted her the most while nursing a glass of champagne.Happiness swelled in her heart when she saw people crowd at her girlfriend's painting that was set to be auctioned later on. She was currently immersed in Clarke's world and it was prepossessing.

Blue eyes looked at her direction every once in a while. It was unbeknownst to Lexa that despite being surrounded by paintings...she was the greatest art that Clarke had ever laid her eyes on.

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Clarke entertained the higher ups and they all showed courtesy and respect, but as they said, there's always a runt in a litter.

A son of one of Dante's clients, a 20 something who swam in cologne got mesmerized by Lexa and decided to make Clarke the bridge.

"Damn, look at those legs." Dax uttered while trailing his eyes on the brunette as he stood beside the blonde.

Clarke rolled her eyes and responded "The last time I checked we were here to view art, not women."

"She'll come in handy." He replied, cockiness evident in his tone.

"And you'll leave without a hand if you touch her." The blonde warned, her voice an octave lower than they were before.

Dax laughed it off and stood in front of her "That girl over there..." he said as he gestured behind him with his head "she any good?"

Clarke held back the punch that she was forming in her fist, and in return, she decided to be sassy "Any good in being a person? Yes, very much so."

The baffled boy shook his head and said "No, I meant, is she available? I saw you two earlier and it seemed like you're close friends."

The blonde gave him her best smile and replied "Oh we are close...but we're not just friends." winking at the last word.

Dax was slack jawed as Clarke patted his arm and said "Next time, don't sexualize my girlfriend just because you couldn't keep one." before making her way to Lexa.

Laughter was muffled by her hand as the blonde told Lexa about the encounter earlier. If there's another thing she loves about Clarke, the answer would be her sass.The brunette intertwined their hands once again as the viewing went on and prepared herself for the men who'd ask about Clarke.

None approached them with the intention of being "acquainted". The way Lexa's hand wrapped around the blonde's waist must've sent a message.

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Dinner was soon announced by the host and the couple found themselves seated along with Dante and his colleagues. They gave the brunette a warm welcome which the girl humbly reciprocated. People chatted as they ate and Clarke was more the proud by the way Lexa kept up with the art talk. She certainly listened to the blonde's stories. Beautiful and eloquent, Clarke was definitely aroused and impressed.

Clarke's art got the highest bid at the end of the night and if happiness and pride had a child, it would be Lexa. The applause that roared in the room was nothing compared to the beating of the brunette's heart and all they screamed was Clarke's name.

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"I'm so proud of you." The brunette whispered as her fingers threaded the blonde hair on her lap.

The couple hit the bed as soon as they got home, exhaustion in their bones that they didn't even take their dresses off. 5 minutes of rest turned to 10 and that 10 turned to 20. Lexa gave up on trying to convince the blonde to use her bathroom first, knowing how stubborn the girl could be. Clarke was still buzzing with happiness at the turn out of the gala and the brunette decided to let her wallow in it.

"I have you to thank for that." Clarke uttered, her droopy eyes still held the blue that rivaled the sky.

Lexa got hold of the blonde's hand and brought it up to her lips and gave it a soft kiss "That woman went home with a masterpiece."

"Nope." Clarke uttered as she adjusted herself "I got the masterpiece right here."

Lexa didn't even try to hide the laughter that bubbled in her throat at the girl's answer and the blonde didn't cover her amusement. If Clarke had a different middle name it would've been "smooth".

A minute or so, Clarke turned serious and played with their joined hands "You inspired me Lex....painting just became even more enjoyable."

Lexa felt the blush take over her cheeks but before she became too tongue tied, she replied "And words came so easy because of you."

"I think you wrote another letter for me." Clarke teased as she scooted her face closer to the girl's stomach.

"Not quite. I was planning on making a book of our time together, you know, with pictures and everything. I've only written a dedication to you though." Lexa confessed as her eyes darted away from the girl.

The blonde suddenly sat up, no longer weary after hearing the brunette's intent. "Can I read it? Please?"

Lexa smiled at the girl and got off the bed. Her slender fingers searched the pile of books on her desk and returned to Clarke once she found the book. It had a black leather for the cover and the pages held the light brown hue. The blonde gently took it from the girl as Lexa once again situated herself beside Clarke. An aromatic scent filled the blonde's nostrils as she opened the book on the very first page. Her eyes couldn't help but water as she read the written passage.

**"For Clarke, Of whom without, I would not have lived at all."**

The sudden surge of joy and love flooded Clarke all at once that she was more than contented to drown. Knowing that she had been the reason for Lexa's existence gave her heart the bittersweet pain the people feel when they become overwhelmed. She felt so loved and so complete to the point where it hurt. She couldn't say anything, her misty eyes continued to look at the girl and Lexa was satisfied with just giving her a smile as she caught the blonde's tears before they could even stain her cheeks.

If Clarke had only been good with words as Lexa was...she could've written an endless book with all the times that the brunette had saved her. The talent she was given though was with pictures and in that moment, she vowed to paint Lexa in everything that she was.

Words we're no longer needed as the blonde leaned in for a kiss which the brunette eagerly reciprocated. It started out with a gentle parting of the lips with the softest pressure. As the seconds went by, Clarke was bold enough to open her mouth and trace Lexa's bottom lip with her tongue. The brunette couldn't contain the moan that clawed at her throat and she allowed her own tongue to meet with the girl.

Clarke held Lexa by the nape of her neck as their kiss deepened and as her hand traveled lower and started to caress the brunette's thigh...Lexa knew that there was no going back.

TBC.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next chapter is dedicated to @elizatayoIr :)


	12. Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for jane <3

"Clarke..." Lexa murmured against the blonde's lips as Clarke's hand stroked her thigh.

Their foreheads rested against each other as they took the time to breathe, processing the event that was about to occur. Lexa's hooded eyes darted down the blonde's lips, slightly parted, the warmth shrouding the brunette's.

"Lex...I want you....but if you aren't ready, we can stop." Clarke uttered as her hand stilled its movement "I can-"

The next words that she was about to deliver were cut off by the kiss that the brunette pulled her into, drowning her in ecstasy.

"I want to Clarke..." Lexa said as their eyes fell into each other's gaze "We deserve this."

Clarke managed to form a smile as she nodded and gently took Lexa's hand, vacating the bed in the process. They faced each other as the low light from the lamps patterned shadows on their skins. Tender hands cupped the brunette's face as the blonde's eyes focused on hers. Lexa hasn't been held like this for so long, deprived of repose that she couldn't deflect the hunger that boiled in her pit.

"I love you..." Clarke whispered as Lexa's hands touched her waist, lightly squeezing as the words were spoken "always."

Lexa's hold got tighter as tears pooled in her eyes, lashes fluttering as the liquid blurred her vision "I love you too...always you."

Fiery passion erupted as their lips met once more, this time, they liberated the whimpers that tingled on their tongues. Clarke pulled away and slowly turned the brunette around, her lips mapping the exposed skin of the girl's neck. Inviting aroma filled her senses as she caught a whiff of perfume from the brunette locks.The feeling wasn't unfamiliar or discomforting, they've done this many times, but those were born from caged desires and this one was out of love. Lexa's head fell back as the blonde's mouth placed open kisses on the slender nape. Her fingers threaded the golden hair when Clarke started to gently suck.

The warmth that seeped through her veins turned malevolent as the blonde continued her ministrations, grounding Lexa by the waist. The kisses that started from Lexa's neck continued on her shoulders as Clarke held her closer. She felt the wetness in her center starting to gradually increase, damping the underwear that she wore. The girl's hand left her waist and skimmed the space of her back until it found the dress's zipper.

As the zipper was opened, so was Lexa's yearning.

"Clarke....more...." The brunette prayed as the blonde slowly pulled her dress down to her waist, revealing her strapless bra along the way. The black color looked so good on Lexa that Clarke had to bite her lip to calm herself, knowing that she would see more than the undergarments.

Nimble fingers traced from one shoulder blade to the other as the blonde drank the sight of Lexa's back. The back that had endured many scratches and kisses in the past. The brunette's muscles were so relaxed that they told Clarke the comfort that the girl failed to admit. She knew regret would never bloom after this.Smoothness lapped at her fingertips as they continued to glide and after a minute, she hooked her thumbs on the edges of the bra and asked "Lex?"

The brunette braced herself for the inevitable bareness and replied "Please..."

Clarke carefully pulled the bra down, feeling more of Lexa's soft skin as they went under. Blue eyes couldn't stop the welling of tears as Lexa turned around and gave her a sight that embodied perfection. Lexa's breasts, the ones that she's felt, tasted and pleased were once again hers for the taking. Although the perky breasts were now in front of her, Clarke's eyes still lingered on the brunette's. Lexa slowly pulled her dress down, her eyes not once leaving the girl's, until the only thing that was left was her ebony underwear.This time, the blonde couldn't fight the urge to rake her vision from the girl's form. Flat stomach that had the outline of obliques...Lexa was a goddess and she was ready to worship.

Her mouth suddenly felt too dry that swallowing became a feat. It was nothing however, compared to when Lexa darted forward until they were chest to chest. Despite the blonde being covered still by her dress, the heat from the brunette's body persisted until she felt the burned barrier.

It was Lexa's turn to undress the blonde as her lips found the girl's neck. Her hands brushed the girl's thighs until the blood orange dress was bunched on Clarke's waist. Clarke reveled in the sensation of warm lips getting acquainted with her body as Lexa hummed along with the kisses. The brunette halted her actions as she pulled the dress over the blonde's head, preparing herself for her destruction.

All the adjectives in the world couldn't begin to describe just how ethereal Clarke Griffin was. The voluptuous curves that rivaled Godiva and the full breasts that were the embodiment of immaculate. If Lexa ever did decide to write about them, the pages would've wept.

"Lexa..." Clarke whispered as green eyes remained fixated on her body. She felt the brunette's shuddering breath against the crook of her neck as the slender fingers encompassed her back. Lexa resumed her kisses on the blonde's neck, as her hands roamed the dip of Clarke's lower region. Her tears damped the blonde's skin at the first touch on the surgical scar. The elongated lump served as a reminder of what Clarke had endured because of her. Guilt soon took over as she realized just how long the incision was. She tried to hold back her sobs but it was futile since the blonde snared her in an embrace that gave her the forgiveness that she was convinced she didn't deserve a glimpse of.

"Love...." Clarke whispered as she cradled the brunette's body "that's in the past, I'm here with you now...that's what matters."

Lexa slowly peeled herself from the blonde's hold, unshed tears clung on the tips of her lashes "Clarke..."

The girl gave her a small smile, enough to drive reassurance in her as her fingers wiped the liquid away "We're all that matters Lex...not our mistakes."

Those words were enough to calm her nervous heart...to make her believe that she deserved good things...that she deserved Clarke.

Soft to the point of breaking were the kisses they exchanged. Lexa's hands returned to the blonde's back as she shifted her head, this time, mapping out the other side of Clarke's neck as her fingers got hold of the tube bra's clasps. They fiddled at the hook for a little while and when Clarke moved Lexa's face away from her neck for another kiss, the clasps were separated as their tongues danced together.

Moans filled the room as they felt their erect nipples brushed against each other. Clarke retracted her tongue and sucked on the lower plump lips of the brunette, making Lexa caressed her clothed backside. The blonde whimpered at the pressure and moved their bodies until Lexa was lying flat on the bed with Clarke on top, the kiss never breaking. Sweat started to cover their bodies as the blonde's lips moved lower until she was once again tasting the slender neck. Lexa whimpered and groaned as the hollow of her neck was traced with the tip of Clarke's tongue. Brown locks fell back against the pillow as the other girl languidly licked the incurvate space while her hips grinded against the brunette.

Silken sheets were crumpled as Lexa's fist got hold of them, hoping to find something to ground her as Clarke's wicked tongue became relentless "Clarke....fuck."

The blonde halted her actions and returned to the brunette's bruised lips and gave it one last kiss before she settled her mouth right beside Lexa's ear. Clarke's ragged breathing was enough for Lexa to push back against the blonde's hips and when Clarke nipped and lightly sucked her earlobe, she couldn't stop her body from jerking, adding more pressure on their centers that made groans leave their mouths.

It wasn't enough for them though, they both wanted to feel each other skin to skin with nothing to shield them from this honesty. Lexa's hands left the crumpled sheet and took the blonde's. Clarke rested her weight on her elbow and allowed the brunette to guide her as they stared into each other's hooded eyes. Ever so slowly, the brunette trailed their fingers on the girl's stomach until they reached the edge of Clarke's underwear. Blue and green remained un-wavered as Lexa pushed forward until their joined hands felt Clarke's bare center. Their moans harmonized as they felt the wetness of the blonde, the dampness only increased when Clarke started to grind her pussy on their hands.

Lexa moaned along with Clarke as she took in the sight of the blonde's face contorted in pleasure. She slowly pulled the girl by the nape of her neck until she was near enough to whisper "I want to taste you."

A shuddering breathe was released by the blonde as she frantically nodded against the brunette. Lexa pulled their hands away as she gently shifted until Clarke occupied her previous spot. At that moment, she was sure that no amount of alcohol could make her drunk compared to the sight of Clarke's nakedness. Lexa positioned herself beside the girl and gently kissed her forehead before allowing her hands to wander the vastness that composed Clarke.

Green eyes followed the movements of her slender fingers as they ghosted touches on the blonde's skin. Lexa traced Clarke's sternum with one finger, making the blonde's chest rise higher, and when her palm brushed over Clarke's right nipple, the blonde's back bowed as a whimper trained after, a sign that she wanted more. The brunette didn't need to be told twice, she changed her position until she was on top of the girl. Blue met green once more as Lexa gently groped Clarke's breasts, she reveled at the warmth and weight of the blonde's tits and the way the girl moaned only added to the ache in Lexa's core.

Clarke wasn't prepared for the electrifying pleasure that shook her body as the brunette angled herself and took the right nipple in her mouth, suckling the sensitive bud as her left hand twerked the other. The blonde's fingers immediately threaded through the brown waves as Lexa continued to suck and lap at her nipple.

"Lex...oh god!" Clarke panted out as the brunette flicked the hard nipple before circling the areola "Fuck don't stop...don't stop!"

Devilish tongue abandoned the tasted bud before dragging its tip from the bottom of Clarke's sternum up to the hollow of her throat. A strangled moan erupted from the blonde's mouth as Lexa repeated the action, this time though, grinding their centers together and sucking at the pale skin that was sure to leave a mark. Clarke felt her wetness soaking her underwear as the brunette kept her pace while nibbling on the left nipple. The blonde was in euphoria as Lexa descended lower, leaving trails of open mouthed kisses on her stomach and stopping only when she reached the line of Clarke's undergarment.

Lexa slowly sat up, hair disheveled from Clarke's hold and a mouth that craved for more. She slowly licked her lips as she pushed her hair away from her face, making the blonde whimper. Her body scooted backwards, just enough until she had the space to move as she started to kiss the blonde's knee, going lower, adjusting her position until she found the spot on Clarke's thigh that had always made the blonde moan. Lexa placed a gentle kiss on the skin before sucking with earnest.

"Oh Lex....so good...." Clarke moaned out as the brunette closed her eyes and held on to the blonde's legs while her mouth delivered pleasure. Satisfied with her work, Lexa moved on to the other thigh and gave it the same treatment but made sure to make circular patterns on Clarke's underwear, the movements hitting the blonde's clit as the pace increased gradually.

Clarke's back arched off the bed as the pressure surged through her body "Fuck Lexa! Fuck!"

Tears started to pool in her eyes as Lexa continued her actions, Clarke would've come from this alone but stopped herself, knowing that more was to come.

"Lex...baby...please...." Clarke breathed out as the brunette kissed her pussy through the moist underwear.

Lexa sat up again as she gently pulled the blonde closer, soothing the creamy legs as her hands neared the undergarment. Green eyes asked for consent which was answered by smile and a nod from her lover. Lexa's fingers slowly dragged the piece of clothing off of the blonde, Clarke lifting her hips as a way of helping. The brunette's eyes flickered between Clarke's own and the girl's pussy as the garment was almost out of the way.

At the sight of dribbling liquid flowing from the blonde's center...Lexa almost came undone. Her hands squeezed the blonde's thighs, hoping to control herself and ease the growing throb of her own clit. It had been years since their bodies melded together as their hands delivered orgasms, but seeing Clarke now, it felt as if no time had passed. Lexa drank the view of the blonde's pussy...it was shaved and the lips still hid the beautiful sight within. She almost got lost in thought but was brought back to reality when Clarke softly called her attention.

"It's ok Lexa...we're ok." The blonde uttered, blue eyes boring into the green ones.

Lexa swallowed the lodge in her throat and nodded before her finger skimmed Clarke's slit. The touch was enough to send shudders through the girl's body but when the brunette's finger went deeper, bumping her clit along with the drag, Clarke cried out as her hand held on to the headboard. The bucking of her hips were controlled by the slow and torturous glide of the brunette's long finger inside her slit. Lexa moaned at the feeling of Clarke's wetness coating her finger while the blonde continued her whimpers and groans as her knuckles turned white.

"Clarke..." The brunette softly voiced out "please look at me."

Blue eyes showed their hues as soon as the blonde heard the brunette's request. Lexa tentatively collected Clarke's wetness with two of her fingers and when their eyes caught each other, Lexa brought the coated fingers to her mouth and sucked them clean. Expletives left the blonde's mouth as the brunette moaned around the digits, her green eyes never leaving Clarke's.

"Fuck Lexa...oh fuck." Clarke groaned as she felt another flow of liquid pour out of her pussy. The sight of her lover sensually tasting something of hers was enough of a visual in case she needed to touch herself. The blonde bit her lip as the fingertips of Lexa's digits hanged slightly on her plump lower lip, her eyes raking Clarke's body as if deciding what to do next. Clarke was contented enough to wait, but the glistening of Lexa's mouth almost made her waver. All she wanted to do was taste herself on her girl. She didn't need to be audible, for as soon as she made that wish, the brunette captured their lips in a slow and deep kiss.

Clarke's hands automatically held on the the brown locks as their tongues shared the sweet and tangy essence of the blonde. Lexa pressed their centers again, placing Clarke's legs around her waist and this time, it was more pleasurable for the other girl since she was stark naked. The brunette was more than satisfied just to hear the blonde's groans and whimpers, knowing that she was the cause. But Clarke never planned on neglecting her, her right hand abandoned Lexa's hair and lightly scratched the brunette's back until it reached the underwear. A bold hand groped Lexa's left butt cheek, earning a low whimper from the girl, making her grind faster.

"Ah! Lex oh god!" Clarke cried out from the friction of the cloth "So good..."

Lexa promptly pulled her hips back as their mouths separated, the sly tongue now focused on the girl's collar bones. The warmth from the brunette's breath made goosebumps appear on the blonde as her fingers clenched the sheets. Clarke surrendered herself to the elation that brunette was planting on her skin as her kisses made a path to the blonde's hip bones. Marks were made as the brunette sucked and nibbled her teeth across, causing a low rumble to erupt in Clarke's chest as she bucked. When Lexa finally got to her pussy, she allowed herself to lavish for the world didn't exist, just her and the girl.

Soft kisses graced the outer lips of Clarke's pussy as Lexa intertwined their hands together. The blonde was grateful for another thing to hold on to, the headboard just wouldn't suffice. Lexa darted her tongue out and used its tip to trace the line of Clarke's slit. The pressure wasn't heavy enough to part her folds but enough to make her toes curl. Once, twice, thrice was the action repeated until Clarke was mewling, pushing Lexa to drape her other hand over the blonde's abdomen to keep her steady.

"Lex-a...please...more!" The blonde begged as tears started to blur her vision.

Clarke gritted her teeth as the brunette took her first deep lick, the muscle now tasting the blonde's essence. Lexa lapped at her pussy, deliberately avoiding her throbbing clit as the girl sobbed her moans, not caring if her sounds were ear piercing. Clarke retracted her grasp on the headboard and fondled her own breast as the brunette took one labia in her mouth and groaned as she suckled on it. A new flow of liquid gushed out of the blonde's entrance as Lexa took the other labia and sucked on it as if it was the sweetest thing she'd ever savored.

"Baby...oh fuck!" Clarke cried out when the brunette's tongue probed her entrance, flicking the tip around the blonde's opening.

Lexa whirled the tip a few more times before halting, she lifted her head as her green eyes bore into the blue ones. Clarke immediately understood what the brunette was asking for. She gently sat up and pulled the girl down with her until they were face to face. The blonde licked her own wetness off Lexa's lower lip, making the girl shut her eyes and moan before she whispered..."If you love me....show me just how much."

Vigor and confidence flowed in the brunette's ego as she was given the go, she gave the blonde one last intense kiss before resuming her work. The tongue that had only touched the opening of Clarke's pussy tentatively made its way deeper in the girl...inch by inch. Clarke moaned and groaned as the words "Fuck! and "Oh god!" were freely spoken. The clenching of the blonde's walls made Lexa moan as well, the heat in her own pussy became too much as she felt the blonde's walls contract on her tongue as she slowly pulled out...only to push back in, swirling the muscle that made Clarke's back arch.

"Yes! Oh Lexa right there...baby right there!"

Fingers that were laced broke apart when Clarke pulled her hand away to grope her other breast, the pleasure in her pussy was too enjoyable that she was afraid of coming too soon. She pinched and twerked her nipples as Lexa held on both of her thighs to give herself more leverage. Hot breathe and whimpers combined together as the brunette's tongue fucking escalated in its pace. Her hold on the blonde's thighs got tighter as she drove her stiffened muscle in and out, curving the tip as she pulled out. A long groan followed her movements as she felt Clarke's wetness coating her chin and when her fingers touched the blonde's clit, Clarke's hip bucked, making the brunette's tongue plunged to the hilt.

"Fuckkkkk!" Clarke screamed as her opening and her clit got stimulated by the girl.

Lexa made small circles on the blonde's clit using her thumb as she went back to probing the fluttering hole of Clarke. Bruised lips were close to bleeding as Clarke tried to control her whimpers but failing nonetheless. Lexa stopped her actions and lapped the girl's drenched pussy and lined her body with the blonde. Slender fingers moved the hairs that got plastered on Clarke's skin as her sweat poured out, green eyes filled with tender stare as the girl's chest heaved.

"Don't stop...Lex...please don't stop." Clarke hushed as her eyes found Lexa's, begging to be taken.

Lexa smiled at the girl and brought their faces close together before uttering "Look at me."

Blue and green clashed with mist as they held their stares at each other. The brunette's arm traveled from the blonde's face, descending further and halted when she reached the wet apex. Clarke sobbed out again and bit her lip all the while keeping her focus on the brunette as Lexa pushed two fingers inside her pussy.

"God Lex!" The blonde moaned as Lexa drank the sight of her in ecstasy.

The familiar stretch made Clarke'e eyes roll to the back of her head, breaking her connection with the brunette. Blonde hair sprawled on the white pillow as Clarke threw her head back groaning when Lexa started to pull out slowly, only to scissor the girl's walls as she did. The brunette placed hot kisses on the exposed neck of the blonde, veins almost protruding as she continued to finger Clarke, coaxing out more of her wetness.

Pale hands held on the the brown locks as Lexa's mouth captured her stiffed nipple and sucked with desire.

"Don't stop.. oh god don't stop!" The blonde panted out as her breathing became erratic.

Clarke felt her stomach tighten as the brunette started to finger her faster than before.Her hands grasped the sheets, creating creases as Lexa languidly pulled the stiff pink nipple with her mouth , thrusting deeper into Clarke's pussy twice before curving until she hit the g-spot. The blonde screamed as wave after wave of pleasure surged through her entire body. Back arched and curled toes as Clarke wantonly cried out her moans and whimpers, the squelching sound between her legs when Lexa's fingers continued to to massage her pussy made the blonde's tears fall.

"Clarke..." Lexa breathed out as she rested her head on the girl's chest, scrapping her teeth as she drove her hand faster.

"Fuck me...baby that's it!" Clarke's harsh whispered as her nails left red trails on the brunette's back.

The whine made Lexa release level her face with the blonde's. Clarke was covered in sweat, panting and lost in gratification when her eyes met the girls. Green eyes filled with hunger and love bore into the blue eyes currently misty, the stretch Lexa's long fingers was causing made Clarke's head float to the point of passing out from too much pleasure. Lexa balanced her weight on her elbows as her free hand cupped the side of Clarke's face as they shared a passionate kiss. Moans and groans were swallowed as the blonde sucked the brunette's tongue, eliciting heavy breaths and whimpers from Lexa as her fingers became relentless.

Hot breath shrouded her ear as the brunette placed her mouth near the blonde's ear as she panted out, moving her hips in order to drive harder and deeper into the girl. The way Clarke was shaking and twitching made Lexa wish that she had placed a pillow between her own legs as she felt her own wetness gush out, completely ruining her panty.

"Lexa...your fingers....mmm!" Clarke sobbed as she held on to the girl's sweaty back, her legs wide open.

"They're only yours Clarke....only yours." Lexa replied, her tone a pitch higher from the way her pussy bumped into her thrashing hand.

The blonde's back arched again as the brunette nibbled on her neck, a weak spot that Lexa never forgot. Her hips met the girl's thrusts as her mouth hanged open, crying out her pleasure every time Lexa bottomed out. Desperate hands clang to the brunette as Clarke felt the start of her peak, her walls clenching even tighter, making it hard for Lexa to push back in.

"Clarke...you're close...." The brunette uttered, her breath mingling with the blonde's.

"Y-yes...so please....Lexa...faster."

"I wanna see you cum, Clarke." Lexa whispered earning a frantic nod from the blonde, her lip caught between her teeth.

The bed creaked as the brunette shifted her position so that she was kneeling as her free hand held her up. Sweat and the smell of sex permeated the room which was laced by their moans and declarations of love. Lexa's wrist were starting to sprain but she ignored the pain as she focused on Clarke's face etched in pleasure. Red welts formed on the brunette's skin as the blonde grabbed on to her arm for support while her other hand squeezed her breast, aiding herself in her impending orgasm.

"Clarke...I love you..." Lexa uttered, her eyes welling up as the affection for the other girl broke from their love making.

Blue hues filled with adoration locked with hers as Clarke cried out "I love you too...fuck! I love you!"

Lexa felt the tensing of the blonde's muscles as her walls became almost impossible to breach. The heat and wetness surrounded her fingers, making the brunette mewl and whine as her eyes remained on Clarke. The blonde fought the urge to throw her head back as Lexa's thumb circled her clit while curling the one's inside the girl's pussy. Clarke was so tight that her walls greedily refused to let the brunette's fingers vacate her opening. "Cum for me Clarke..." "Lexa...mmm!" Rumpled sheets and a creaking bed made symphony with their cries. Heartbeats grew louder and louder as the nervousness turned to excitement and like a dam that was near its destruction, Clarke finally broke. Her back arched off the bed, making her scoot even closer to the head board while legs trapped the brunette's hand when her orgasm took over, crying out the girl's name in its wake.

"Lexa! I love you! Oh god...oh god!"

Frantic hands held on to the brunette's back as Lexa slowed her pace, gently coaxing more of Clarke's cum while her mouth gave kisses on the blonde's neck. Clarke's chest heaved as exhaustion took over while the brunette continued to kiss her pale skin until she reached the blonde's jaw. As carefully as she could, Lexa retracted her fingers out of Clarke's pussy, making the wetness flow out. Her mouth found the blonde's and gave it a soft kiss before turning the girl on her stomach.

"Lex?" Clarke asked in a weak voice, evident from all her screaming.

The blonde turned her head to see the brunette and before she can ask again, Lexa was already lifting her hips. Clarke's legs were wide open again as the brunette situated herself between her center. The glistening wet folds made the girl whimper as little drops of Clarke's cum lingered all over. Lexa's hands found the blonde's buttocks and slowly lowered Clarke's pussy into her mouth, licking the girl clean.

Clarke's eyes watered again at the gentle pressure on her pussy. Lexa was careful not to touch the sensitive bud as she lapped back and forth, not wasting a single drop. Soft moans left her mouth as her hands fisted the sheets beside her head, the brunette's tongue truly satisfied. After a minute or so, Lexa took one last lick and brought Clarke's hips down on the bed again. Gentle hands roamed the blonde's body, fingers ghosting over her scar as she tried to calm her breathing. Lexa's mouth gave the surgical scar mellow kisses, as if conveying her apology. The kisses trailed upwards until she met the nape of Clarke's neck and savored the uncovered area. Clarke could only hum as her lover persistently worshiped her body, whispering "I love you's" against the flushed skin.

When Lexa got off the blonde, Clarke turned to her back and pulled the brunette on top of her. She didn't need to be told twice as the look in Lexa's eyes screamed for release. Clarke sat herself up before their soft lips clashed in a hungry manner as the brunette's hands held on the blonde's shoulders. The wetness from Lexa's pussy seeped through her underwear, staining Clarke's stomach. The kiss traveled to the brunette's neck as Clarke held her by the waist as her mouth devoured the slick skin.

If not for her hands clinging on Clarke's shoulders, Lexa would've already fallen down. The blonde nibbled and gave gentle bites on the brunette's neck before sucking on her pulse point. Nails dug on her shoulders as Lexa moaned out her name.

"Clarke...ahhh.."

Erect nipples captured Clarke's attention as Lexa's breasts came into view. They weren't big at all but the blonde enjoyed them nonetheless. Devilish tongue started to lick from her pulse point down to her chest until it reached the peaked bud. Clarke kissed around the skin, deliberately avoiding the nipple as her tongue circled the areola, making Lexa buck in her hold. Fingers moved from her shoulders and threaded her blonde hair as she finally sucked Lexa's nipple. Her hand rested on the small of the brunette's back as the girl moaned and whimpered, bringing the blonde's head closer to her chest.

"That's so good...Clarke...."

Clarke scraped her teeth on the bed and Lexa groaned at the jolt of pleasure, making the blonde fall on the bed, all the while still pleasing the brunette's breast. Lexa's center landed on the blonde's thigh and as the girl's mouth captured her other nipple, the brunette couldn't stop herself from grinding her drenched pussy on Clarke's thigh.

"Lexa..." Clarke whispered as the girl continued to grind "Underwear....off....I wanna feel you."

The brunette didn't say a word, her thoughts were lost in pleasure as she discarded the last clothing on her body. With the panty gone, Lexa once again situated herself on the blonde's thigh and moved back and forth, stimulating her own clit as her slick folds parted. Already aroused and worked up from making Clarke orgasm, Lexa knew that she wouldn't last long.

"Clarke...I-fuck...I'm not gonna last..." The brunette confessed as she rested her head on the blonde's neck, warm breath painting the pale skin.

"Shhh..." Clarke reassured the girl as she soothed her back "It's ok...can I please see you?"

Lexa lifted herself so that her pussy's the only thing that was touching the blonde. Clarke's hands held her waist, guiding her as she continued to fuck herself on the girl. The creamy thigh was so slick that Clarke couldn't help but moan along with the brunette. Realizing that Lexa was this wet and wanton because of her definitely warmed her heart. The love makings they've done before was a speck compared to this universe.

Clarke moved her hands, one palming the brunette's breast and the other stimulating Lexa's clit. Surge after surge of bliss pricked the brunette's system as her nub got coaxed out of its hood. Clarke's eyes bore into her as her head was thrown back due to the overwhelming sensation. The twerking and pinching of her nipples made her grind harder and faster on the blonde, the bed creaking once more.

"Fuck....oh fuck!"

Harsh breaths and strangled cries left Lexa's mouth as her peak was fast approaching. She dared to look down and almost came undone by the predatory yet loving look in the blonde's eyes. Green held blue as the brunette's hips became sloppy with its movements, signaling the near release. The squelching sound made Clarke bite her lip but failed to suppress her own moans as Lexa liberally used her body for pleasure.

"Clarke...I love you...oh god!" Lexa sobbed as the blonde circled her clit faster.

"Lex....oh fuck...." Clarke uttered, her hooded eyes keeping their focus on the girl "cum on me."

At that declaration, Lexa screamed in broken moans as her orgasm took over, the wetness on Clarke's thighs flowing on the sheets.

"Clarrrrrkkkeee! Oh-fuc-shit!"

The brunette's body stilled as the pleasure slowly tapered off, when the blonde felt that her first high was over, she swiftly entered Lexa's pussy with two fingers as she drove the girl to her second orgasm, stronger compared to the first. Lexa was spent and satisfied as the blonde gently laid her down on the mattress. Clarke slowly pulled out, making the brunette twitch as the sensitivity still evident in her core. A small smile was evident in Lexa's face as the blonde laid beside her, their naked figures facing each other.

Bodies ravished and worshiped as the night remained the only witness.

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"Hi" Clarke whispered with a smile as her hand rested on Lexa's waist.

Glowing city lights continued to brighten Polis as the lovers basked in the comfort of their aftermath with crumpled bedding and soaked sheets.

The brunette scooted closer until she could taste the blonde's mouth again before replying "Hi."

"So that was ummm..." The blonde spoke, moving tendril of hair away from Lexa's face "wow."

Lexa grinned and replied "Is there another word for wow?"

"You're the writer between the two of us, what's the matter, cat got your tongue?"

A flicker of amusement shone in Lexa's eyes as she replied "No..." while her hand palmed Clarke's center "this did."

Clarke let out a groan that caused the brunette to laugh as she retracted her palm. Blue eyes glared at her as the blonde tickled the brunette's side, making the older girl jerk and declare surrender with her hands. When Clarke persisted, Lexa turned her body away in hopes of deflecting the tickles but when the blonde saw the red welts on the brunette's back, she brought her hands on the surface and gently touched the marks.

"Sorry" Clarke whispered as she placed a gentle kiss on the girl's shoulder, her hand wrapping the brunette's waist.

Lexa smiled to herself and said "Don't be..." as she laced her fingers with Clarke's "they're all worth it."

She felt a smile crept up on the blonde's face as she pulled the brunette closer, inhaling her sweet scent "Nous sommes en vaut la peine."

The passage caused the brunette to chuckle as Clarke's effort tugged at her heart strings "Oh someone's learning French."

"Well..." the blonde drawled out, placing a kiss behind Lexa's ear "We're going to Paris after all."

Lexa slowly turned back to facing the girl as the words were delivered, they haven't reached one year yet she couldn't deny the conviction in Clarke's statement.

"You..." the brunette carefully uttered, swallowing the sudden lodge in her throat "wanna come to Paris with me?"

Clarke gave her a warm smile as her blue eyes gazed with so much affection while her hand cupped the prominent cheekbone and replied "Yes, Paris....you and me."

Green eyes sprang with tears as she realized that Clarke was in this for the long run, the blonde continued to give her a smile as she tenderly wiped the tears away. 8 years of pain and loneliness lead to this moment....a moment that was the startling line of their lifetime.

In the space between their breaths and gazes Lexa confessed "I love you."

If Lexa ever truly believed in anything it's this....she loves Clarke, from the little things to her whole being she loves Clarke.

Warm lips left a gentle kiss on her forehead before the blonde replied "I love you too."

The night sky found the lovers with their promise of forever as shy smiles graced their faces. Words were no longer needed in the comfortable silence that they've basked themselves in. Lexa watched as Clarke's eyes fluttered until they finally closed, her lips never failing to bid goodnight to the brunette before taking slumber's hand. Lexa smiled and gave the blonde's cheek one gentle kiss before draping the blanket over them and surrendering herself to sleep.

The brunette woke up to a dancing blonde in the kitchen cooking their breakfast and when Clarke turned around and smiled at her...Lexa was sure that she could write a book with that alone.

Alexandria Woods didn't believe in soulmates...until Clarke Griffin. Despite the vastness of space and parallels of the universe, they still found each other....life was truly beautiful.


	13. NOT A CHAPTER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> IS HAPPILY EVER AFTER AT THE END OF THIS STORY?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a little preview :)
> 
> (guys im writing as fast as I can i promise, i apologize for the delay)

You love her and she loves you.

You love her and she loved you.


	14. The end: part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)

You love her and she loves you.

You love her and she loved you.

If Lexa could rewind the time back to the day where they lost each other, that message would've been tattooed in her being. Trials after trials of parting and meeting surely would've tattered any couple's bond, and if something was beyond repair then the only logical thing do to was to let it go. Lexa did let go as well as Clarke, but as inevitable as the sun's rising...so was their love.

They found a home in each other that if they had never ended up together again, the turning of the key and the opening of the door would've been like coming home to a stranger. Thankfully, they learned to rebuild a new structure out of the debris of the mistakes of their pasts as they made it more formidable.

It's the familiar sound of footsteps that brought a smile to the blonde's face when the girl she loves walked in her apartment while carrying dinner in one hand and her black bag in the other. The green eyes that beamed as soon as they met her blues was the reason why Clarke enjoyed gazing at the nearby trees every time she went out for lunch. Their leaves bent to the wind as Lexa did with life which eventually brought her back to the girl. It didn't matter what shade they held, she saw the brunette everywhere.

Out of all the things Clarke adored at the turn of the key, it's the soft "I love you's" at the end of the day that she cherished the most. Words whispered by the mouth but delivered by the heart made her believe that if the brunette were to write their love story...no eyes who were lucky enough to witness a tale that held tragedy and happiness at both ends would be left dry.

The universe set them for the tragic lovers but they fought like hell to to become destined.

Clarke and Lexa crusaded for their love until the only way that they could wound the enemy was with a battle cry.

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"We only have a week left and we still haven't packed." Lexa uttered as the softness of the blonde's body encompassed her from behind.

"We still have time that's the point." Clarke replied as she nuzzled her nose in the crook of the brunette's neck, arm pulling the girl closer. "I'm only spooning you as much as I can coz after Paris, our schedules won't even let us sleep in the same bed, let alone see each other that much.

Slender fingers entwined themselves with the blonde's, reassurance pooling at each tip "I'll always find time for you."

"Lexa Woods cutting work hours? I thought I'd never see the day." The blonde jested, making the brunette retract her hand as it gave a slap on Clarke's thigh.

"Can't you let me be romantic for a minute?"

A soft kiss was placed on Lexa's neck which was followed by a whisper of "You have a lifetime for that."

The sheets crumpled as the brunette shifted until she was facing the blonde. Clarke changed position as well with her head resting on her left hand as her right held Lexa's. Gentle breeze danced with the curtain that was hanged over the slightly opened window as green searched for blue.

"After this life, you find me in the next ok?"

Clarke brought her right hand forward and traced Lexa's cheek with the pad of her thumb as the moment was frozen "I promise."

The small smile that broke out of the brunette's face was enough to fuel the blonde's resolve. A peck to the lips soon turned passionate as the declaration of forever was spoken and in the moment of their peaks, they figured the constant truth.

It's either each other or no one at all.

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The sound of luggage being zipped and essentials being laid out filled the space of Clarke's apartment as the couple prepared for their trip. The blonde settled on the floor, couldn't help but smile upon seeing her girl checking and re-checking her list on the paper as her eyes scanned it while she sat at the edge of the bed. Lexa's furrowed brows and the way her lips were pursed made her look even more adorable that Clarke had to halt her folding and stare at the brunette.

From the battering of her lashes to the slope of her nose, Lexa was as beautiful as ever.

After reading the list, the brunette held the paper down as her eyes caught a smiling blonde. She gave the girl a questioning look which was responded by Clarke softly shaking her head as a no all the while keeping the affectionate smile.

"Is there something wrong?" Lexa inquired as she pulled her hair in a bun, making the sleeves of her sweater roll down her arms.

The blonde sat back with her arms supporting her weight before replying "You're beautiful."

A shy smile formed on the brunette's face upon hearing the girl's confession "If you need help with packing, just ask." Lexa joked as Clarke rolled her eyes which made the brunette emit a laugh.

"You..." Clarke trailed off as she approached the girl "can be an idiot sometimes." The blonde got hold of the brunette's hand and brought it up to her lips and gave it a kiss "You're beautiful and I meant it every time."

"Yeah?" Lexa retorted, her eyes gleamed with gratitude as the one thing she never found belief in was suddenly given light.

Clarke softened her features, she knew that Lexa wasn't the one who took pride in her looks. Others definitely saw it but she didn't. Whether it was because she deemed herself insufferable that it clouded her perception of herself or whether it was that no one told her enough, both statements broke Clarke's heart nonetheless.

"Alexandria Woods, when I had that major exam back when we were in college, you stayed up with me until I was done. Cups of coffee littered our floor as we gave each other sleepy smiles yet you fought off slumber just so I wouldn't be alone."

The same pang tugged at Lexa's heart strings as if she had just been injected with a dose of Clarke. Memory of that night flashed in her mind, she remembered the way the blonde looked, hair pulled in a ponytail as the pencil rested between her teeth.... oh how Lexa loved her even back then.

"Whenever we'd take the bus, you gave your seat to the elderly. The way you stood was so regal but I knew the brewing of your heart."

The only way Lexa could respond was by threading their hands together, her hold strong enough to grasp but not strong enough to bruise.

"That cat you saved from drowning? Jesus Lex you scared and impressed me that day. I gave you my jacket so you could somehow stop shivering and what did you do? You wrapped the cat in it. I couldn't figure out if I wanted to kiss you or hit you."

"I remember you kissing me that night." The brunette replied, her smile turning wicked.

"Well that's because I was so in love with what you did that I couldn't help it."

Lexa expected for the blonde to swerve the conversation, but the honesty that Clarke was delivering proved so much better. Green eyes bore into blue as everything she never thought she'd hear came like a love song.

"Lex...you're so kind and selfless and that's really beautiful."

In all the years of living, it was only with Clarke that she felt validation. A shudder escaped her breath as her lips quivered while her eyes pricked with tears. She was deprived of genuine affection for so long that just a mere adjective from the blonde was enough to wreck her. She felt so loved and it was liberating her.

"Thank you Clarke..." Lexa softly uttered, swallowing the thickness in her throat before continuing "for seeing me like that."

Clarke slowly got up and pulled the brunette off the bed as she guided them towards the mirror. Pale hands wrapped themselves on Lexa's waist as the blonde stood behind the girl, making the brunette relax into her body. The scent of vanilla hit Clarke's senses as soon as her nose grazed Lexa's nape, she smiled at her lover all the while looking at the mirror as the brunette did the same.

"Now you see you too."

Between the pull happiness and comfort of Clarke's words, Lexa uttered "I do."

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Goodbyes and wishes of safety were all that their loved ones had for them when they came over the day before to bid farewell. Little Aden held on to Abby's leg as his eyes pooled with tears while the couple chatted with his parents. Lexa's attention darted down to him every once in a while in the middle of the conversation, giving him the softest smile she could muster. A little while later, he was left all alone with the girls in the living room as the other adults prepared dinner.

"Why can't I come along?" The boy asked as he settled between the two, his voice weak with the hint of sadness.

Clarke and Lexa shared a look that questioned of who was to answer Aden's inquiry and with a nod, it was the blonde who opened her mouth.

"Well first of all all, you still have school..." The blonde said as she took the boy's hand in hers "and we'll only be gone for two weeks, we'll be back before you know it."

As comforting as Clarke tried to sound, the little guy still sulked, dreading over the adventure that he won't be a part of. The blonde looked over to the brunette in the hopes that she had something more convincing to say. Lexa adjusted in her seat and allowed the boy to rest his head on her chest as her hand threaded through his hair.

"You know, I think my wall needs some more art decor. So would it be alright if we buy you art supplies in Paris?"

Upon hearing the word "Art" Aden's head snapped up to meet the brunette's face, his eyes now held excitement that pushed the weariness away. "Really?"

"Yeah and I got Clarke with me so I don't have to worry about choosing the wrong supplies.": Lexa reassured as she gave the blonde a smile which Clarke returned in kind.

"So does that sound good buddy?" Clarke asked, giving her smile to the boy who nodded his head as his grin took over.

"You can paint or draw whatever you want." The brunette added as she laid back on the couch.

"Sounds perfect." Aden replied as he gave the couple a thumbs up which made the blonde scoop him into her arms and embraced him and showered his face with kisses.

The future with kids they talked about suddenly came in play as Lexa watched the way Aden giggled as Clarke gave his stomach raspberry kisses. If they can love a kid with this much capacity, how much more if it was their own?

As the boy's laughter got muffled by the blonde's jacket, Clarke saw the swirling of affection in those green eyes that she woke up to and the smallest of smiles that was enough to deter whatever bad thoughts battled in her head. The tea that the brunette brewed as Clarke fought to breathe in and out whenever the world wasn't at her side was more than enough to calm her again. But it was the way Lexa held her and soothed her back as sobs wrecked her body that made her feel ok again, as if tomorrow she could conquer once more.

"My love, we try again ok?"

"It's only one canvass...your hand can paint thousands of others."

"Happy or not, you're still my Clarke."

In times of turmoils and defeat, Lexa was safety and that fact alone gave the blonde the strength to face the world again.

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"Jake..." The name was uttered by a sleepy Lexa as the alarm clock struck 3 am.

In the comfort of Clarke's room as darkness painted the space, that name was spoken. The blonde had awoken just ten minutes before, the excitement for the trip made it impossible for slumber. The silence in the street and the dim lights coated with fog filled her view as she occupied the bedroom window. As soon as Lexa opened her mouth, Clarke's attention diverted to her.

During the first year of his death, half of it was grief and the other half numbness. In the middle of school work, the pages would be covered in blotches of her tears until they got too much that Clarke had no choice but to surrender to the sadness. Some days, she was thankful for not feeling anything at all.

The night she met Lexa, it was one of those moments where the memories of her father were the loudest despite the blaring speakers. It hurt when she didn't talk about it...it hurt less when she did.

It was during their fifth month together when the brunette heard her quietly sobbing as they slept together in their door room. Clarke thought that Lexa was fast asleep when she decided to release her tears. She expected the pricks in her eyes and the heaving of her chest but what she didn't anticipate was the hand that the girl wrapped around her waist as she pulled her closer.

"If you wanna talk about it...I'm here."

Clarke didn't say anything, she simply placed her hand over the brunette's as she allowed herself to feel everything...her forlorn and her love for the girl.

"You're my best friend."

"I thought Octavia was?"

"Ok then you're my second best friend."

Lexa let out a soft chuckle as she scooted even closer to the girl "It doesn't matter who I am in your life Clarke, I just wanna be part of it."

Clarke turned around and looked at her as if they were meant for forever. Back then, they had believed it and they believed again after 8 years. In the place of unspoken gratitude, the blonde made passionate love to the brunette. Breathy moans and shuddering bodies took the place of "thank you" and "you're welcome". At the last kiss on her forehead by Lexa, Clarke drifted back to sleep.

Ever since that night, they told each other everything. The good and the bad, nothing was spared. It had become their thing and they were both thankful for the salvation.

"What was he like?"

"The best father you could've asked for."

"He sounds amazing."

"He was....he really was. You would've loved him too."

"I already do."

A week...that's all it took for Clarke to finally gather up the courage to visit Jake's grave again but she wasn't alone. She talked to her father as if he was still there and the brunette listened on, occasionally squeezing the girl's hand when she got choked up on emotions. At the end of the visit, in the quiet of their room, it didn't hurt anymore.

"Jake?" Clarke asked as she settled beside the sleepy girl, moving the sheets higher on Lexa's arms.

"Yeah..." The brunette replied, a smile adorning her face as it was silhouetted by the blonde's body "if we have a boy, let's call him that."

If the name made Clarke cry again, it wasn't because of its mention...it was the thought of having a little one with Lexa named Jake.

Soft fingers caught the tears before they could even cascade down the pillow as the brunette apologized with a meek voice "I'm sorry, too soon?"

The blonde shook her head as she caught the girl's hand and kissed her knuckles before replying "No...it's perfect."

Lexa smiled brighter this time as the pad of her thumb found the expanse of Clarke's cheeks "I hope we meet Jake soon."

"Well..." Clarke said as she straddled the brunette's lap, jolting her senses to focus more on what was about to happen "we can try now."

"That's biologically impossible."

"Shut up." Was the last thing Clarke uttered before their lips met in soft hunger.

It hurt.

It hurt until someone carried the pain with you.

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The blooming crisp in the air greeted the couple as they arrived in Paris. May uncovered the beauty that winter showered with death as the trees and flowers they passed by mewled with vibrant colors. The trip from the airport to their reserved hotel in Rue de Lille took about 40 minutes and within that time, Clarke embodied the demeanor of an excited child and a puppy at the same time. Her blue eyes went back and forth to the view of the passed street and to Lexa who could only smile in return.

"It's like you've never been here before." The brunette stated as she continued to enjoy the excitement that the blonde was beaming.

Clarke turned her position until she was fully faced with the girl and replied "Paris is more beautiful with you." before her gaze lavished the streets once more.

It's moments like this that made Lexa wish that she could muster her tools for writing out of thin air. Sometimes Clarke just says words that rivaled any romantic lines that she'd ever written. If only she could jut down the depth of her love for the girl, the abyss would know defeat.

Dinner filled their stomachs as they ate in Tabac D' Orsay as soon as they had settled in their hotel room. A dashing lad came for their service with a smile on his face and waited for the girls's order. Clarke opted for the the steak while Lexa chose the smoked salmon before the boy went back to the kitchen.

"Cholesterol." The brunette sighed as soon as their waiter was out of earshot.

Clarke scrunched her face and stuck her tongue out before replying "Mercury."

The couple pretended to be indifferent with the other's order that the only thing they agreed on was the accompaniment of their dishes which was the chardonnay. As soon as the blonde hovered her fork with the meat on it near the brunette's mouth, Lexa rolled her eyes but ate the piece anyway. The huge grin on Clarke's face signaled her victory and made meat jokes as they ambled the grey street.

Shot after shot of her phone's camera captured the moment of the blonde being carefree. The twirl on the lamp posts, the petting of the dogs and the laughter that came with it was enough to set Lexa in her own train of chuckles as well. The setting sun gave the hue of pink and indigo that littered the sky as Clarke walked backwards, smiling at Lexa as she went.

The lightness of her hair and the soft features of her face made it as if life held the brush and she was the muse.

If that had been the case...Lexa was ready to paint with words.

Musée d'Orsay waited for the couple as they lined in for their tickets. As soon as the museum opened its doors that Thursday night, Clarke felt the brimming in her bones and the whirlwind in her stomach. Had it not been for the hand that Lexa anchored her with, she would've been too awestruck to even take another step. Blue eyes traced every detail that each painting held, from the curves of the strokes to the lightness of the dip, Clarke took them all.

Monet, Cézanne and Van Gogh greeted the blonde like a missed comrade and the brunette was contented with just having Clarke happy. She allowed their fingers to part as they delved in other artworks. As soon as they went on different directions, other visitors came in between. Lexa was across Clarke as they observed the canvasses in display, a path of people blocking their view of each other. Yet in the slightest moment of searching through that one space that the world allowed them to have, blue eyes found hers.

The look on the Clarke's face that was adorned with contentment and genuine happiness made her see what living was really like....It was being loved and in love with your best friend.

Lexa kissed her...behind the alley of a white building she kissed her. All the adoration that she felt as Clarke told her about the artists and their works were already on the brink that she just had to do it. The stolen breath and the want for another made it impossible to halt the exchange of warmth as their tongues met. There was no fight for dominance nor was there a rush, it was just a delicate touch of a reminder that this feeling was all theirs.

The fireworks that flashed in the sky was nothing compared to the fireworks that they saw in each other's eyes.

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At the little cafe near Rue Mabillon waited an old lady with her pen and paper settled next to a cup of tea. The sheet was filled with tiny observations from the people that have stayed and passed, some would surely make an interesting tale. It had been a year since she's witnessed the lost love of a friend and she had only prayed for their well beings ever since then.

One message told her that her prayers were answered though and as soon as she saw the eyes that she's read so much about, the first words that came out of her mouth were "Clarke Griffin."

TBC <3

**Author's Note:**

> we are sluts for angst


End file.
